Azra’s Astrology: The Houses Defined- Part 2

Where your ruling planets are at the time of your birth is very important. Their location shapes not only the way you interact with the world, but how you interact with yourself and your attitude in life. Forget Nurture vs Nature, astrology is where all of your personality stems from. Just think of how much money you’ll save on therapy when you stop blaming others for your downfalls and out the blame squarely where it belongs- on a planet far far away.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Wait a minute there, Azra. That sounds an awful lot like a sun sign. And you would be correct. Except this is totally different. The sun sign is where the zodiac constellations are when you are born. The houses are specific to the 24-hour period known as a day on earth and it depends on where the planets that correspond with the zodiac constellations are located.

But what does that really mean? Well here. I’ll explain what each of the houses mean. You will have to draw up your own birth chart to make it make sense for you. But, with this blog series, you should be able to do that, no problem!

7th House: Partnerships. This is how we do one on one with another person, be it romantic, business, or any combination of the two. It’s also all about purpose. It can’t just be because. There has to be a reason.

8th House: Sex! Really that’s about it. Oh sure, there’s other aspects of this like shared communion, hair styles, and transformation, but really, it’s all about sex.

9th House: Philosophy. This lets us know how we handle hypotheticals and philosophical questions that life inevitably throws at us. Oh yeah, this house also deals with business and in-laws.

10th House: Social Status. This is the total Mean Girls house. Always wear pink on Wednesdays.

11th House: Friendships. See houses 7 and 10. Maybe House 8.

12th House: Unconscious. This is the house of sadness and death. As well as anything else that didn’t quite fit in the other eleven houses.

Aquarius

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your dreams are out to get you this week. Better not to sleep. Beware the clowns.

Leo                        (Jun 23 – Aug 22)

Demand what you want. You won’t get it any other way.

Pisces              (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Don’t procrastinate on your to-do list today! Get it all done or you won’t like the consequences.

Virgo                   (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You’ve lost an important object. You won’t find it today. Wait until tomorrow.

Aries                (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Time to activate the calling tree! It’s time to celebrate! You know why. Don’t make me tell the others.

Libra                     (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Unexpected money will find its way into your pocket. Invest it in the dark arts. That’s what the demons intend you to do with it.

Taurus          (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your social life is reviving. Accept all invitations. You need to get out of the house.

Scorpio                    (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Today you are just not feeling it. What “it” is will be subjective, but it’s okay not to feel it.

Gemini         (May 21 – Jun 20)

It’s time to take charge! Your charisma points have increased! Time to test them out!

Sagittarius            (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Home is not where the heart is today. Break out of your dungeon and go on an adventure!

Cancer          (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

People will dump their work on you this week. Instead of freaking out, get revenge.

Capricorn            (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Don’t commit to anything. Keep your interactions brief and to the point. Commitment is a trap.

* I wish it went without saying that this is a work of fiction. Please do not take it seriously.

Azra’s Astrology: Aquarius the Water Bearer

Humans have had millennia to really think about these signs and the different correlations to them. There’s so much that even the ones I am presenting aren’t even close to everything involved with the sign in question. There’s so much more like what body parts, what tarot card, flowers, crystals, you get the idea. Use this as a jumping off point and do your own research. I am sure there’s a specific pizza associated with each of these signs too. So here we go. The eleventh zodiac sign is Aquarius.

Aquarius is arguably the most popular of the zodiac signs. Its’ also one of the oldest in human reckoning. The Babylonians identified the constellation of Aquarius as Ea, a water god who loved carting around giant jugs of water. You know, in case he got thirsty. By the time the Greeks made it onto the scene, the god Ea was transformed into Ganymede- literally the cupbearer to Zeus and his cronies on Mt. Olympus.

Aquarians are supposed to save the world. From what, even they aren’t sure. Still, it’s that pressing need to save something that drives most people under this sign to becoming social justice warriors. They will bounce from topic to topic hoping to find something that will actually work to fill that need to save, well, anything.

Besides being active crusaders, these people love puzzles and riddles. The Labyrinth on Crete? Totally an Aquarian architect. The Sphinx? Based off a really annoying Aquarian and his cat. The vile creature that created Soduko? Totally Aquarian.

One last word about dealing with this sign- they always want more cups, mugs, water bottles, etc. They LOVE them and can’t get enough.  If you need to appease them, get one of these things. They will forget they were even mad in the first place. But remember- the container must be empty. They can fill their own cups.

Dates

Jan 21-Feb 18

Ruling Planet

Saturn & Uranus

Symbol

Water Bearer

Mythic Background

Babylonian water god Ea to Ganymede, the Greek cupbearer to Zeus.

Modality

Fixed

Recognizable Traits

Social, intelligent, energetic, often seen as odd or wacky. They are ahead of their time.

Element

Air

Strengths

Clever and innovative, rational and a good judge of character

Colors

Silver & Blue

Weaknesses

Overthinker, cold, and unfeeling. They can get stuck in their head.

House

Seventh

Mantra

I Know

Aquarius

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You can only keep the crown if you keep the others supporting the crown happy. You will either gain respect or you’ll lose your head.

Leo                        (Jun 23 – Aug 22)

No one understands what you’re trying to say. Use a different form of communication like pantomime.

Pisces              (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Luck is on your side today. Make sure you use it to your advantage! Hit up the casino! Bet on that horse! You only have your livelihood to lose.

Virgo                   (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You’re gonna erupt like a volcano. Woe to those who cannot get out of your path of destruction.

Aries                (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are desperate to express yourself. It’s time to pursue the arts like they owe you money.

Libra                     (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You need fiber. Like badly. Get on that.

Taurus          (Apr 20 – May 20)

Time to discover your roots and if baldness runs in your family. Check out genealogy.com

Scorpio                    (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are dead last in this race you’ve started. It’s okay. Keep going and soon all of the traps you’ve laid will be set off by the other fools.

Gemini         (May 21 – Jun 20)

Communication is vital today. Good thing you’re you! Chat it up and find out where it takes you.

Sagittarius            (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Let the good times roll and keep rolling! Why do they have to end?

Cancer          (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

You need to deal with the practical side of your wildest fantasy. That under the sea mermaid brothel isn’t going to do its own taxes.

Capricorn            (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

People are going to bug you for advice today. It’s up to you if you want to give it or not. Though they may egg your house if you don’t.

* I wish it went without saying that this is a work of fiction. Please do not take it seriously.

Ask Azra: A Question of Pets

Dear Azra,

My boyfriend of three years wants to get a pet. We just moved into a house together and he’s wanting to get a dog. He says he’s always had one and he’s missing that part of his life. The problem is I am not a pet person. Never have been. Dogs are messy and high maintenance and I just don’t know if I can take care of it. But I love my boyfriend and I want to make sure he is happy and comfortable in our new home. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Doggone Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Pets, especially dogs, are a big deal in a relationship. It’s accepting a creature into your new home that will be totally and completely reliant on you and your boyfriend. Are you two ready for such a commitment, especially after making such a drastic change as moving in together?

Honestly, I think you two would be better off just having kids at this stage in your relationship. Maybe when you have had a couple of offspring, then you can tackle the pet discussion with a little more perspective.

 Relationship Responsibly,

Azra

Want more bad advice from Azra about parenting? Check out his Illustrated Guide here

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Fancy Dinner Party Invite

Dear Azra,

I’ve been invited to a dinner party! A for real and for true fine china and elegant dress dinner party! There’s only one problem. I have no idea how to act. I’ve never been to a fancy dinner party before. Can you give me some tips on how to make sure I don’t embarrass myself or my hosts?

Thanks!

Etiquette Noob

Dear Noob,

Fancy dinner party, hm? Well you came to the right place. I’ve been to plenty of dinner parties throughout the history of human civilization. All have been similar in that they start out a bit stuffy, but end up in a raucous orgy. The transition from one to the next is a breathtaking sight and it’s entirely dependent upon the guests. As you requested, here are some things that you can do to make sure the whole event is a rousing success.

·         Your outfit for the evening should be both practical and flashy. You want to be the best dressed and the most memorable person there. Best to go in costume. I find the best costumes for a dinner party are ones of historical figures who famously threw the best dinner parties. I am talking Cesar, Henry VIII, the Algonquin circle, Louis XIV and Marie Antoinette.

·         Be fashionably late. It’s always smart to make an entrance- the flashier and more attention grabbing the better. This also gives the added bonus of missing some, if not most of the boring part of the evening.

·          Make sure that the hosts and the rest of the guests know what a refined palate you have. Criticize the food. Express how you’ve had better with (insert famous person’s name here). Remember. You want to stand out and make an impression. This will also assure everyone that this is not your first dinner party.

·         The orgies usually happen right before dessert comes out. Be the real party starter by stripping. After all, someone has to get naked first. You should be it.

I hope your dinner party is a blast!

Diners Club Elite,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Buying A Car

Hey Azra,

I’m about to buy my first car. Any advice on how to get a good deal?

Soon To Be Cruising

Dear Cruising,

Are you out of your ever loving mind? Why would you buy a car? They are terrible, dangerous things. Do you know how many people are killed in motor vehicle accidents every single day? A lot! Do you know that the leading cause of ozone degeneration is gas guzzling vehicles? Another fun fact for you- the leading cause of obesity are cars! Do you want to get fat?

Do yourself a huge favor and don’t even consider wasting your money on one of those things. It’s much healthier and lucrative to walk or get a bicycle. If you are hell bent on spending thousands upon thousands of dollars, get a horse. They tend to be more reliable than a motorized vehicle and can double as your quirky side kick.

Pedestrian For Life!

Azra

Ask Azra: When to Pop the Question

Dear Azra

There’s this girl who is absolutely incredible. She and I have been dating for a while now and I feel so lucky to be with her. I truly think she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. BUT... I am not sure if she will say yes. She hasn’t mentioned anything about marriage or engagement or formal commitment. I’m worried if I pop the question then she will reject me and I will have ruined the best thing in my life. What should I do?

Desperately Hearing Wedding Bells

Dear Wedding Bells,

There are many times in life where humans will discount their gut instincts about situations like this. There’s an odd tendency to gloss over these hesitations as nerves which, ultimately, proves to be that human’s undoing.

Trust your guts. Do. Not. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Spouse.

If you’re worried that this girl won’t say yes, then she probably won’t. The reasons why she will inevitably decline your undoubtedly beautifully staged proposal will be the greatest unsolved mystery of your life.

Which brings me to my next point. If proposing is out of the question, then it stands to reason that even broaching the topic with her is risky. If she knows you’ve got marriage on your mind and she is adamantly against it, that “honest” conversation might just be the beginning of the end for your perfect relationship.

You’re better off just forgetting the whole thing. Try to be happy with your lot in life as it is. I mean, why ruin the best thing you’ve got going in your life over a piece of paper?

Common Law Advocate

Azra

Ask Azra: Evening the Odds for Procreation; Destroying the Perfect Man

Dear Azra,

I have a problem. I think my boyfriend is about to propose to me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the sweetest guy. I don’t ever want to hurt him because he’s just so good to me. But I think that’s why the thought of marrying him fills me with dread. He’s too good and I’m just unhappy. I wasn’t expecting to build a life with him. He was supposed to be a fun fling before I went off and officially started my life. This pressure for commitment is just too much. I have to break up with him before he actually proposes. How can I do that without hurting him too badly?

Thanks for the help,

Regretting This Relationship

Dear Regret,

What you are describing is something many of your kind have experienced. While you are primarily concerned with how you need to deal with this problem of having such a good mate, you must remember that this discontent and what you do with it will help save your very civilization.

You see, guys like that, the ones that are too good to women and who provide healthy and loving relationships are horrible. They completely ruin it for all the rest of the guys out there. This has a trickle-down effect where an increasing amount of women refuse to settle for the available guys and start searching for that “perfect guy.” This has a direct negative impact on procreation levels which will, eventually, make the human race endangered.

It’s up to you and women like you to help us guys even the odds and to make sure the human race survives.

First, you need to come to terms that you will not extricate yourself from this scenario without hurting the guy that is so good to you. No, if you are going to fulfill your destiny as the savior of mankind, you have to utterly destroy him. Rip out his heart and spit on it and all of the emotional support he gives you. Take all of the romantic gestures and build a bonfire of them and dance around it as he looks on with tears in his eyes. Eviscerate whatever connection there is between you, and make him suffer. It is the only way to make him one of the other guys. You must eradicate his ability to love. You must kill his emotion.

It is the only way to save the human race.

 Fight the Good Fight,

Azra   

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Doomsday Dilemma

Dear Azra, I sincerely believe that we are living in the end of times. Be it from sociopolitical fallout, nuclear winter, or even natural disaster, the end of the world is just around the corner. My family, however, doesn’t believe me. My friends just laugh at me when I bring up the subject of being prepared. I need to make sure they are safe no matter what happens. I’ve started to stock pile some of the essential things we will need during the end of civilization, but I’m afraid to tell my wife and my kids about because they might send me back to the institution. How can I get them prepared when they refuse to even acknowledge the end is coming?

All the Best,

Preparer of the Preparations

            Dear Preparer,

I admire your tenacity and determination to make sure your family is taken care of during the end of times. What you are doing is very smart and eventually your family will thank you. But for now, it’s important to make sure your preparations are 100% complete before it’s too late. Then, once you are ready for them, you will need to lure your family there, either by hiring kidnappers, kidnapping them yourself or just drugging them and dragging them to your fully furnished bunker. When they come to, you can convince them that you are not, indeed, crazy. It’s the world that is crazy.

May the odds be in your favor!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Just Fired from my Job

Hi Azra. I just lost my job due to company downsizing. I’ve got a family to support. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Jobless in Seattle.

Well Jobless, there is only one thing you can do. Get your job back. When companies downsize, it’s their way of weeding out the insincere. If you want a job with them, then you have to prove it. How, you may ask? It’s quite simple really. Ever been dumped by someone? Remember how you did everything and anything to get them to take you back? Yeah, it’s the same with big companies. You’ve gotta shmooze them. Wine and dine them. Stalk them. Make them sorry they let you go. Dig up all the dirt you can on them and blackmail upper management into getting your job back, with a raise to boot.

Remember, the company is just asking you to prove that you want to work for them. It’s no different than any other romantic relationship. You’ve gotta work at it. If it doesn’t work out, well then, you didn’t really want it, did you?

Wishing you gainful employment,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Coming Out of the Closet

Dear Azra. My parents are super strict and really religious. I’ve struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality for years because of how I was raised. Well, it’s finally gotten to the point that I can’t hide it any more. I have to tell them that I am gay. How should I break the news to them?

Respectfully

Closet Case

I hate to tell you, Closet Case, but you are going to absolutely devastate your parents. The last thing any parent wants to hear is that they have failed as a parent. To recap, parenting is ensuring that your offspring contribute to the perpetuation of the human species. If you are gay, then you aren’t procreating, which means that they have failed as parents. Remember, your sexuality isn’t about you, it’s about your parents.

In order to come clean about their failure, you will have to make it pretty spectacular. Here are some ideas for coming out of the closet that won’t completely devastate your parents.

1.       Contrive to have them walking in on you while you are having sex with your partner. This will ensure significant mortification for everyone involved and, while it will get across the point that you are gay, it will also have the added benefit of never being spoken about again out of sheer embarrassment.

2.       Turn it into a celebration. Hire a parade of Drag Queens to show up at their church on Sunday and dance to YMCA by the Village People. Bonus points if you can get the local chapter of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, because, well themes are important. They will help out you to not only your parents, but their whole church community too.

3.       Take them to your favorite strip joint and have them watch in abject horror as you get on stage and strut your stuff!

The long and short of it is this. Yes, your parents failed in raising you, but you still have a life to live. You deserve to be happy and no one who lived their life in the closet was ever happy. Just remember that when your parents bemoan who and how you are it is really their fault, not yours. So here’s one last piece of advice. Take everything from your childhood that was an indication of your emerging sexuality and put it in a power point presentation. Go through it all with them and point out what they had obviously missed. Remind them that it is their fault. But also tell them you are glad they failed because you are happy with who you are.

Never settle for a closet bound life,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Tattoo or Not to Tattoo?

Dear Azra. A friend of mine wants to get into tattooing people for a living. He asked if I would be willing to let him practice his art on me. I’ve never gotten a tattoo before. What do you think? Should I do it?

Sincerely,

Ink Curious

Dearest Curious. What an incredible opportunity you’ve been given! Do you know that people spend decades searching for a reasonable tattoo artist? You’ve got one who is just getting started and that means your skin will be worth millions when he becomes famous! You just have to make sure you outlive him (because statistically speaking, artists only become famous after they’ve died).

I think you should definitely let him practice on you. This is a once in a lifetime chance. However, since it is your first tattoo, you should know some basic things about the process.

·         Tattoos hurt. A lot. Prepare yourself with pain killers or that numbing stuff from the dentist.

·         It is best to let your artist decide on the art and the placement of the piece. They are, after all, the experts. That being said, the more visible the ink, the better. See about getting some on your face.

·         Don’t wash it. Washing a fresh tattoo will allow the ink to run out. Just stay dirty.

Happy Inking!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: How To Be The Other Woman

Hi Azra! I’ve been seeing someone for about four months now. I feel like things are getting pretty serious between us. The only problem is that he’s married. He says their relationship has been over for years, but he’s not willing to get a divorce. He makes me so happy, happier than I’ve ever been. I can’t imagine myself without him. I need to know how to get him to leave his wife. We were meant to be together and she is just in the way.

Sincerely,

Lovelorn

Dear Lovelorn. I really hate to tell you this, but if he’s not leaving his wife after four months of seeing you on the side, then you’ve REALLY got to step up your game. Girl, he should have left her after the first date with you! Never fear. I will point out a couple of common mistakes you and several other women have made when they decided to seriously date a married man and how to correct them.

·         Not understanding your enemy. If you decide to hook up with a married person, odds are that you are going to make a mortal enemy out of their current spouse or significant other. The likelihood of this increases the longer the affair goes on. You need to give yourself an edge by thoroughly investigating the enemy. The name of the game is getting enough dirt to completely bury them. Stalk them on social media. Infiltrate their circle of friends. Make them actually like you before they find out you’re in the process of stealing their spouse. When they do finally discover what’s going on, you’ll have a significant advantage in the war ahead of you.

·         As you get to know your enemy, it’s equally imperative to clean up your own history. As soon as the news breaks that you’re in the picture, you will be the target of all sorts of investigative googling. Don’t give them anything that can be used against you. Make your own internet record as spotless as you can. You need to outshine them in every way possible.

·         Make sure your intentions are clear to the person you are seeing. You intend to be in their life indefinitely and you won’t take no for an answer. Furthermore, you intend to take this inconvenient truth to anyone who will listen- including their friends and family. Do not, I repeat, do not keep this affair a secret! Shout it from the rooftops! Make sure you gather significant evidence of the relationship and post it on every social media outlet there is. This will make sure your chosen partner can’t say that you’ve been making up or that you are delusional. After all, the foundation of a true relationship is honesty. Also, this will be incredibly helpful for blackmail purposes should the relationship sour.

·         Give deadlines for certain milestones in said relationship. Get that engagement ring at the five month anniversary! Insist on moving in after the third date! It’s not like they don’t know what being in a relationship is like.

There are many more pitfalls, but for now these tips should get you on the right track. Good luck, Lovelorn!

I want an invite to the wedding!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Getting out of a Blind Date

Dear Azra. My friends are setting me up on a blind date that I don’t want to go on. I’m okay being single and I’ve told them that, but none of them are listening to me. They haven’t even given me the guy’s name so I can’t do a social media search to see what kind of crazy I’m getting into. All they tell me is that he’s nice and that he will meet me at the restaurant at seven pm Friday night. How can I get out of this?

Happily Single.

Well, Single, have you stopped to think why are your friends putting you through this? Why are they setting you up with random strangers? Could it be that you are not, in fact, good at being single? Perhaps you are such a mess when you are alone that setting you up with someone, no matter how random, is their last shot before one of them just ends up adopting you out of pity.

But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Since you don’t want your friends to keep trying to set you up, you’ve only got one chance to make this convincing. You have to make it blatantly clear, beyond all shadow if a doubt that you cannot be trusted in a relationship.  Not only do you have to scare away the blind date, but you also have to traumatize your friends enough so they don’t ever try something like this again. Go big or go home.

Since you are already single, you probably know how to scare off potential suitors on your own. Just in case, here are some tips on making sure you always identify with Beyonce’s song, “All the Single Ladies”.

·         Make a solid first impression by embracing your inner cat lady. Except don’t use cats, they are too mainstream. Use wild raccoons instead. Do your best to look like a trash panda- go excess smoky eye and over sized patchwork sweaters to make you look homeless. Bring your own feral raccoon to the restaurant. Say he is your service animal. Demand to inspect the dumpster of the restaurant before being seated. This way you can ferret through the discarded plates to see what is on the menu. Act like a raccoon. Be a raccoon.

·         Research him as much as you can... with him right in front of you. This is the perfect way to ask all of those nosy questions right to his face. Find his social media profiles. Ask what he meant by that vague post five years ago. Question his relationship with every other woman he is friends with. Demand to know why he doesn’t tag his mother in every other post. Pull his Credit Score and go over it with a fine tooth comb. Does he have any priors? Question him about his employment record. After all, this is supposed to be a “get to know you” date, right? Pull out all the stops. You never know if you will uncover the fact that he is a serial killer or a petty thief.

If, for some weird reason, the guy is still interested in pursuing a relationship with you, you only have one more option left.

Vomit.

That’s right. Vomit all over the table, the food, and the sorry bastard. Then run for your life.

Here’s to your Dream Date!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: My In-Laws Hate Me, What Can I Do?

Hi Azra. I just got married a couple of months ago. My wife and I are generally happy except for one thing: my In-laws hate my guts. I thought everything was fine- the wedding went off without a hitch. Ever since then, they’ve been treating me like I’m garbage. They say horrible things about me to my face. If I come to family functions, they make a big deal about me showing up uninvited. They constantly ask my wife when she’s going to divorce me. My wife says that I’m exaggerating and that they are just joking around. It’s not funny at all. How can I make it stop before it gets even worse?

Please Help,

A Sorry Son-in Law

Dear Sorry,

Wow, that totally sucks. It’s awful not being accepted by the family of your loved one. But, never fear, there is a way to cope! And that is by keeping track of all the insults and all the slights that they cast your way and plot to get back at them is subtle, passive aggressive ways. Remember, at some point when they are old and feeble, they will need you to take care of them. That will be the perfect time for revenge.

Now, you will be tempted to do something grand after years of their torment. You want to make them pay for it all at once. This is the wrong train of thought for this kind of game. Consider this: A thousand small inconveniences are better than a full out catastrophe, right? The smaller the actions on your part can generate the biggest reaction in them. They dished it out in small portions, so the justice you seek should be doled out the same way.

So, keep track of it all, stew on it, have it all in the forefront of your mind at all times. Really hold all of that discontent inside and only let it out when the time is right to sew all of their pockets closed or to misspell their names on birthday cards or to have their least favorite vegetable on hand for meals. Keep the battery life on their electronic devices only half-way charged. Move their keys out of the customary spot and put them somewhere obvious, yet different.

The actions are small, but the satisfaction will be great.

Pettiness Is A Super Power,

Azra

Ask Azra: Cooking on a Budget

Hey Azra,

I am trying to save money and be healthier by cooking my meals at home. Any advice on how to make the healthiest food on a strict budget?

Healthy But Hungry

It sounds like you have a couple of problems going on here.

First, you’ve bought into the “healthy eating agenda”. This is sponsored by those mega granola companies to help line their pockets with cash. Think about it, the longer you live the more granola you consume and the more money you put out for your fix. You’ve become an unwitting cash cow for these corporations! The government is in on it too, for obvious reasons that I shouldn’t have to go into.

Second, you didn’t say how much your food budget actually is. It’s really hard to give accurate advice without all of the information, Healthy But Hungry. Since you didn’t specify, I will have to assume that you have $0 a week to spend on food.

It’s obvious what you have to do. Give up your job and dedicate yourself to farming and raising your own food products. Food is a basic necessity of life. If you don’t have food, you don’t live. What would be nobler than disappearing and creating your own farm on some patch of land you happen across? Steal some seeds and a shovel and get to planting. Pilfer some cows and chickens and there you have it, beef and, well, chicken.

By giving up all of your worldly belongings and responsibilities and trading it all in for true self sufficiency, then you are not only evading those mega granola companies, you are saving a ton of money.

Also, don’t get caught. Granola companies are ruthless. Best change your name and remove your fingerprints.

Live Free! Down with Big Granola,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Getting A Promotion

Hey Azra,

I really want this new job in my department. How can I make sure they pick me for the promotion?

Sincerely,

Corporate Ladder Climber

Honestly, it all depends on how badly you want the promotion. On a scale of one (eh, not really) to ten (I will do ANYTHING), here is how to ensure that you are not passed up for the big bucks.

1-9: You’re lying. You really want this job, you are just acting nonchalant. Stop lying to me and to yourself. Admit it. You REALLY want this job. Skip to level 10.

10: Okay, you are serious about getting this promotion. That’s great! The key to this level of commitment is just that; being committed. You don’t just want this promotion, you NEED it. Your entire life hinges on this job. All of your happiness, all of your success as a human, all of it depends on you getting this promotion.

When you are that committed to this, then you won’t hesitate to do what it takes like:

-          Bribery

-          Mild to moderate stalking

-          Making threats

-          Carrying out said threats

-          Becoming ethically nebulous

-          Kidnapping

-          Torture

-          Blackmail

-          Computer/records hacking

-          Sabotage

Truly, when you are this dedicated, the question becomes what won’t you do? If you are at a level 10, then there isn’t much of that on the table.

So get creative and go get that promotion, Corporate Ladder Climber!

You’ve got this!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Staging an Intervention

Dear Azra,

We need some help. Our friend has a drinking problem, but she refuses to admit it. It’s gotten so bad that we’ve stopped drinking around her and we’ve asked that she not drink around us. She doesn’t listen. If we know there’s going to be alcohol somewhere, we won’t invite her. It’s getting to the point that every time we see her, she’s drunk. We think it’s time to have an intervention. Can you give us some advice on how to make it a successful one so she can get the help she needs?

Sincerely,

Unprepared Prohibitionists

Intervention, huh? I’ve never really been one to have people gang up on someone in order to get them to conform to the groups standards of behavior, but what the heck. This sounds like fun. 

I’d say the first thing you’d need to consider is location. You’ll want somewhere that the subject will be comfortable. The most comfortable place for someone who likes to drink would be a bar, yes? Be sure to go during happy hour to take advantage of those appetizer specials. 

Next, think about who to invite. Sure, family and friends are a traditional option, but maybe it would be more impactful if you hire actors. Think about it. Actors are professionally trained to get the point across in a way more memorable manner than the average concerned friend. Make sure you give them a script and free poetic license to improv any additional selling points for the new life of modified behavior. Bonus points if you can stage a whole scene to terrify your alcoholic friend out of wanting booze. 

Finally, for the sake of all involved, get some drinks. It’s going to be a difficult conversation for all involved and alcohol will help make things go much more smoothly. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a different perspective on things before the night is over. 

One last bit of advice- the bills for all of this (actors, bar tab, professional writers, etc.) should land in the lap of the one getting the intervention. What better way for them to understand that their actions have consequences?

Cheers!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.