Hey Azra,
I really want this new job in my department. How can I make sure they pick me for the promotion?
Sincerely,
Corporate Ladder Climber
Honestly, it all depends on how badly you want the promotion. On a scale of one (eh, not really) to ten (I will do ANYTHING), here is how to ensure that you are not passed up for the big bucks.
1-9: You’re lying. You really want this job, you are just acting nonchalant. Stop lying to me and to yourself. Admit it. You REALLY want this job. Skip to level 10.
10: Okay, you are serious about getting this promotion. That’s great! The key to this level of commitment is just that; being committed. You don’t just want this promotion, you NEED it. Your entire life hinges on this job. All of your happiness, all of your success as a human, all of it depends on you getting this promotion.
When you are that committed to this, then you won’t hesitate to do what it takes like:
- Bribery
- Mild to moderate stalking
- Making threats
- Carrying out said threats
- Becoming ethically nebulous
- Kidnapping
- Torture
- Blackmail
- Computer/records hacking
- Sabotage
Truly, when you are this dedicated, the question becomes what won’t you do? If you are at a level 10, then there isn’t much of that on the table.
So get creative and go get that promotion, Corporate Ladder Climber!
You’ve got this!
Azra
***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.