Ask Azra: Fancy Dinner Party Invite

Dear Azra,

I’ve been invited to a dinner party! A for real and for true fine china and elegant dress dinner party! There’s only one problem. I have no idea how to act. I’ve never been to a fancy dinner party before. Can you give me some tips on how to make sure I don’t embarrass myself or my hosts?

Thanks!

Etiquette Noob

Dear Noob,

Fancy dinner party, hm? Well you came to the right place. I’ve been to plenty of dinner parties throughout the history of human civilization. All have been similar in that they start out a bit stuffy, but end up in a raucous orgy. The transition from one to the next is a breathtaking sight and it’s entirely dependent upon the guests. As you requested, here are some things that you can do to make sure the whole event is a rousing success.

·         Your outfit for the evening should be both practical and flashy. You want to be the best dressed and the most memorable person there. Best to go in costume. I find the best costumes for a dinner party are ones of historical figures who famously threw the best dinner parties. I am talking Cesar, Henry VIII, the Algonquin circle, Louis XIV and Marie Antoinette.

·         Be fashionably late. It’s always smart to make an entrance- the flashier and more attention grabbing the better. This also gives the added bonus of missing some, if not most of the boring part of the evening.

·          Make sure that the hosts and the rest of the guests know what a refined palate you have. Criticize the food. Express how you’ve had better with (insert famous person’s name here). Remember. You want to stand out and make an impression. This will also assure everyone that this is not your first dinner party.

·         The orgies usually happen right before dessert comes out. Be the real party starter by stripping. After all, someone has to get naked first. You should be it.

I hope your dinner party is a blast!

Diners Club Elite,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Buying A Car

Hey Azra,

I’m about to buy my first car. Any advice on how to get a good deal?

Soon To Be Cruising

Dear Cruising,

Are you out of your ever loving mind? Why would you buy a car? They are terrible, dangerous things. Do you know how many people are killed in motor vehicle accidents every single day? A lot! Do you know that the leading cause of ozone degeneration is gas guzzling vehicles? Another fun fact for you- the leading cause of obesity are cars! Do you want to get fat?

Do yourself a huge favor and don’t even consider wasting your money on one of those things. It’s much healthier and lucrative to walk or get a bicycle. If you are hell bent on spending thousands upon thousands of dollars, get a horse. They tend to be more reliable than a motorized vehicle and can double as your quirky side kick.

Pedestrian For Life!

Azra

Ask Azra: Presentation is Everything

Dear Azra,

As part of a work project, I’ve been asked to give a presentation to senior leadership. Problem is, I’m a terrible public speaker! I’m afraid if I do what they ask of me, I might mess it up so bad that they will actually fire me. Help!

Speechless in Seattle. 

Dear Speechless,

Your attitude about this situation is all wrong. This is an opportunity of a lifetime! How many people actually get to present things to leadership? I can tell you, not many. You should embrace this project whole heartedly. I know public speaking can be intimidating, but I’ve got some tips to help you get over that pesky part. 

1. There’s an old saying to imagine your audience naked. I say thats a bit backwards. It’s not the speaker that needs to be distracted with nudity, rather it’s the audience. Instead of wearing your best threads, take the podium in all the glory that nature gave you. Your audience will be so surprised that they will not hear a word of the presentation, which means there’s no worry about flubbing a few words.

2. Instead of making a presentation for them to ask you questions, flip the script and interrogate your audience on their knowledge of the subject at hand. If you’re feeling like you’re in the hot seat, then they deserve to feel that way too.

3. Skip the PowerPoint slides and opt for an alternative and memorable presentation style instead. Consider interpretive dance, karaoke, a short play, evocative tapestry, or even abstract art. Really, the potential mediums are endless. 

Individually these options are effective, but when combined, you really can’t lose. Always remember to leave them more confused than when they came into the meeting. It guarantees that they will want more. 

Presentation is Everything,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.