Ask Azra: Buying A Car

Hey Azra,

I’m about to buy my first car. Any advice on how to get a good deal?

Soon To Be Cruising

Dear Cruising,

Are you out of your ever loving mind? Why would you buy a car? They are terrible, dangerous things. Do you know how many people are killed in motor vehicle accidents every single day? A lot! Do you know that the leading cause of ozone degeneration is gas guzzling vehicles? Another fun fact for you- the leading cause of obesity are cars! Do you want to get fat?

Do yourself a huge favor and don’t even consider wasting your money on one of those things. It’s much healthier and lucrative to walk or get a bicycle. If you are hell bent on spending thousands upon thousands of dollars, get a horse. They tend to be more reliable than a motorized vehicle and can double as your quirky side kick.

Pedestrian For Life!

Azra

Ask Azra: When to Pop the Question

Dear Azra

There’s this girl who is absolutely incredible. She and I have been dating for a while now and I feel so lucky to be with her. I truly think she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. BUT... I am not sure if she will say yes. She hasn’t mentioned anything about marriage or engagement or formal commitment. I’m worried if I pop the question then she will reject me and I will have ruined the best thing in my life. What should I do?

Desperately Hearing Wedding Bells

Dear Wedding Bells,

There are many times in life where humans will discount their gut instincts about situations like this. There’s an odd tendency to gloss over these hesitations as nerves which, ultimately, proves to be that human’s undoing.

Trust your guts. Do. Not. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Spouse.

If you’re worried that this girl won’t say yes, then she probably won’t. The reasons why she will inevitably decline your undoubtedly beautifully staged proposal will be the greatest unsolved mystery of your life.

Which brings me to my next point. If proposing is out of the question, then it stands to reason that even broaching the topic with her is risky. If she knows you’ve got marriage on your mind and she is adamantly against it, that “honest” conversation might just be the beginning of the end for your perfect relationship.

You’re better off just forgetting the whole thing. Try to be happy with your lot in life as it is. I mean, why ruin the best thing you’ve got going in your life over a piece of paper?

Common Law Advocate

Azra

Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting

Well my faithful internet dwellers, it’s been awhile. I know you’ve missed my wisdom, but I promise my absence has been for a good cause. You see, I’ve been working on a project that has demanded quite a bit of my attention of late. It’s a rare opportunity that I’ve seized upon and have been lucky enough to finally complete.

In my absence from you, I’ve been compiling some of my more poignant advice on the subject of child rearing.

That’s right! Step aside, Dr. Spock. I, Azra, am taking your place as resident baby genius with the official release of my illustrated guide to parenting.

How to raise human offsping is often a controversial and contentious topic. No more! The illustrated guide will ensure that you steer your little monsters into the correct direction. Win the game of parenting with insider information only an exiled angel could give. With illustrations graciously created by the one and only Kylara Griffis (@perpetual_artistry), this comic-style guide is truly one of a kind.

Just in time for Mother’s Day, you can own the best parenting advice you’ll ever have the privilege of knowing in a convenient, easy to read book.

The whole purpose of procreation is to perpetuate the human race. Without the right guidance, all of that effort to incubate the little terrors will be wasted when they are ruined by horrific, antiquated parenting advice. For the sake of all of the human race, pick up a copy now for everyone you know who have children, could have children, or even just be around children occasionally and be the first wave of the new parenting future. Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting is only available at fivesmilingfish.com/shop/.

Read On!

Azra

Ask Azra: Battling Boredom- How to Make Your Life More Interesting

Dear Azra. I am bored. Not in an “oh, I need to pick up a hobby” or “call up some friends” kind of way. I am seriously, completely, and utterly bored of my life. There’s nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same old routine: I get up, I go to work, I come home, I watch some TV, then I go to sleep only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. How can I get some excitement in my life? How can I truly start to live?

Sincerely,

Bored to Tears

Dear Bored

It’s obvious what you have to do. Yes, that’s right. The exact opposite of what you have been doing. If you want to stop being bored, then stop doing the stuff that’s making you boring. Quit your job. Abandon your home. Hit the road. Take up shark taming as your hobby. Become a double agent. Get yourself lost in the Amazon. Ditch everyone you know and find different friends. Start living your life as though you were someone else because if you’re bored then you are boring.

Be anyone but you!

Azra

Ask Azra: Staging an Intervention

Dear Azra,

We need some help. Our friend has a drinking problem, but she refuses to admit it. It’s gotten so bad that we’ve stopped drinking around her and we’ve asked that she not drink around us. She doesn’t listen. If we know there’s going to be alcohol somewhere, we won’t invite her. It’s getting to the point that every time we see her, she’s drunk. We think it’s time to have an intervention. Can you give us some advice on how to make it a successful one so she can get the help she needs?

Sincerely,

Unprepared Prohibitionists

Intervention, huh? I’ve never really been one to have people gang up on someone in order to get them to conform to the groups standards of behavior, but what the heck. This sounds like fun. 

I’d say the first thing you’d need to consider is location. You’ll want somewhere that the subject will be comfortable. The most comfortable place for someone who likes to drink would be a bar, yes? Be sure to go during happy hour to take advantage of those appetizer specials. 

Next, think about who to invite. Sure, family and friends are a traditional option, but maybe it would be more impactful if you hire actors. Think about it. Actors are professionally trained to get the point across in a way more memorable manner than the average concerned friend. Make sure you give them a script and free poetic license to improv any additional selling points for the new life of modified behavior. Bonus points if you can stage a whole scene to terrify your alcoholic friend out of wanting booze. 

Finally, for the sake of all involved, get some drinks. It’s going to be a difficult conversation for all involved and alcohol will help make things go much more smoothly. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a different perspective on things before the night is over. 

One last bit of advice- the bills for all of this (actors, bar tab, professional writers, etc.) should land in the lap of the one getting the intervention. What better way for them to understand that their actions have consequences?

Cheers!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: My Best Friend is Bridezilla

Dear Azra,

My best friend is usually a really easy going person. She’s smart and funny and kind. However, since she got engaged, she’s changed for the worse. This wedding has made her crazy. As her maid of honor, she’s forbidden me from losing or gaining any weight until after the wedding and has created a strict diet plan for me to follow. That’s not all. She has actually petitioned the church to allow the priest to wear a hideous burnt orange so that he will match the general color scheme. Currently, she is making a list of dos and don’ts for the guests to put in the envelopes with the invitations. If she doesn’t get her way, watch out! There’s a chance she will physically hurt you. She’s already scared off or fired three wedding planners. The whole wedding party is terrified of her, including her soon to be husband. How can we get our easy going friend back?

Bridezilla’s Bestie

I really hate to break it to you, Bestie, but your friend is gone. Let me give you some background. Wedding experts have reported a startlingly steady rise in the Bridezilla phenomena in the last few decades. Some think that whoever becomes Bridezilla is cursed. Others think it’s a sort of instinctual rebellion against marriage. All I know is that it’s best to be outside of striking distance.

The change in the bride comes almost as soon as the big question is popped and a ring is presented. While the change may not be immediately recognizable, it is instantaneous.

According to the latest scientific studies, these crazy behaviors are irreversible once the wedding happens. These traits will then stay with the bride throughout her married life.

The only way to for sure get your friend back is to sabotage the wedding.

Yes, you heard me right, stop the wedding to save your friend from a life time of micromanagement and horrible behavior choices. It’s best for everyone involved that the wedding does not take place. It’s not enough just to quit, you’ve got to save the wedding party and the guests too. It’s your duty as maid of honor.

Do everything you can to put an end to the madness; sleep with the groom, don’t send out the invitations, set fire to the venue, lose the rings, kidnap the bride right before the ceremony. However you do it, just stop the wedding by any means possible. Your friend will thank you once it is all over.

If you are unsuccessful at putting an end to the nuptials, then take time to mourn your friend because she’s never coming back.

Best of Luck!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.