Hey Azra,

I’m a junior in highschool. There’s a lot of pressure to choose my future career. The problem is that I have no idea what I want to do. How can I decide the course of my entire life when I’m only sixteen?

Undeclared Future of the World.

Dear Undeclared,

What do you mean you haven’t decided on your career yet? Why is it taking you so long? You only have one more year left before officially starting your life. You have to get this right and you can’t change your mind. Ever.

Make sure you choose something that is critical to human existence, but isn’t so popular that the work force will be flooded with applicants. You need to be in demand and unique, offering something that humans can’t do without such as coopers or telephone operators.

The future is coming at you fast. Better choose quickly and wisely.

Jack of All Trades,

Azra

Hey Azra,

I really want this new job in my department. How can I make sure they pick me for the promotion?

Sincerely,

Corporate Ladder Climber

Honestly, it all depends on how badly you want the promotion. On a scale of one (eh, not really) to ten (I will do ANYTHING), here is how to ensure that you are not passed up for the big bucks.

1-9: You’re lying. You really want this job, you are just acting nonchalant. Stop lying to me and to yourself. Admit it. You REALLY want this job. Skip to level 10.

10: Okay, you are serious about getting this promotion. That’s great! The key to this level of commitment is just that; being committed. You don’t just want this promotion, you NEED it. Your entire life hinges on this job. All of your happiness, all of your success as a human, all of it depends on you getting this promotion.

When you are that committed to this, then you won’t hesitate to do what it takes like:

- Bribery

- Mild to moderate stalking

- Making threats

- Carrying out said threats

- Becoming ethically nebulous

- Kidnapping

- Torture

- Blackmail

- Computer/records hacking

- Sabotage

Truly, when you are this dedicated, the question becomes what won’t you do? If you are at a level 10, then there isn’t much of that on the table.

So get creative and go get that promotion, Corporate Ladder Climber!

You’ve got this!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

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