Ask Azra: A Question of Pets

Dear Azra,

My boyfriend of three years wants to get a pet. We just moved into a house together and he’s wanting to get a dog. He says he’s always had one and he’s missing that part of his life. The problem is I am not a pet person. Never have been. Dogs are messy and high maintenance and I just don’t know if I can take care of it. But I love my boyfriend and I want to make sure he is happy and comfortable in our new home. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Doggone Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Pets, especially dogs, are a big deal in a relationship. It’s accepting a creature into your new home that will be totally and completely reliant on you and your boyfriend. Are you two ready for such a commitment, especially after making such a drastic change as moving in together?

Honestly, I think you two would be better off just having kids at this stage in your relationship. Maybe when you have had a couple of offspring, then you can tackle the pet discussion with a little more perspective.

 Relationship Responsibly,

Azra

Want more bad advice from Azra about parenting? Check out his Illustrated Guide here

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Fostering Responsibility Part 2: The Importance of Pets

Learning how to be responsible takes time and a lot of practice. What better way to get in that practice than providing your little snot machine a life form of their own to care for?

Giving underage humans some sort of pet in their formative years is a tradition honored across the globe among many different cultures. While the type of creature varies, the intent is the same: don’t let the thing die and or mistreat said thing. It’s not unlike humans who decide to procreate or those who choose to raise adopted offspring; it’s just a different species.

It’s important to match the correct type of creature with the right type of human. When mismatches happen, disaster soon follows. That’s why it is so important to go through a vetting process with any potential pet. Note: do not just ask your child what sort of animal they want. Their answers will be horrible and not at all the best suited animal.

The two best methods of discovering the right type of pet are:

·         Consider what attributes your spawn lacks that an animal can teach or influence upon them. This goes hand in hand with knowing your child- a topic we’ve already covered previously. In this case, let’s say your little terror is short. Like miserably short. Get them an animal known for its height: the elegant giraffe. The kid will either develop an intense height complex or they will grow to match their pet. It’s a 50-50 chance here.

·         Take your child on a spirit quest. Drugs are optional, though peyote does make the experience a bit more intense and resonating. On this spirit quest, they will encounter some sort of animal. Whatever it is they see on the spirit quest that should be their pet. They see a slug, get them a slug. A penguin, invest in a lot of ice or move to Antarctica. A lion, get a REALLY big ball of string. Spirit quests are the best guide for pets. It’s scientifically proven.

Remember, don’t cop out and “rescue” animals either. It is known that the more money you pay for something the better it is. Besides. Rescues implies someone didn’t want them before. Why would your kid want someone’s rejects?

Happy Spirit Questing,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*