Azra’s Astrology: The Houses

Ok, so on the astrological chart there’s a circle that represents the sky. That circle is then divided into twelve sections that are called houses, similar to how the zodiac signs are arranged in the night sky. There are multiple ways to do this that boil down to dividing it into either time or space. Honestly, as long as they came out with twelve, it doesn’t make the slightest difference. Just make sure to commit to one or the other or your math will be off.

What do these divisions have to do with anything? Well, each of the sections influences certain aspects of life. For example, the sixth house represents health. Depending on which celestial bodies are in that house during an event (like say, a birth), it could mean disastrous health implications or it will signify good health. All of the houses are different and will have very different effects, so it’s important to keep them all straight.

Houses are also subject to modalities and triplicities. Essentially each of the houses can emphasize Angular (initiation or action) which relates to cardinal signs like water, fire, air, etc. Succedent (security or stabilization) relating to fixed or Cadent (change or learning) and related to mutable signs.  When a planet or zodiac sign is in that house, then it adds a layer of one of the modalities. If you can’t tell, NOTHING is as it seems.

Adding another layer of complication, consider the triplicities. This is essentially taking the four classical elements (fire, earth, air, and water) and adding their influences into specific houses. An example of this is how Gemini are flighty because they are an air sign and there’s not much to them.

To link all of this to the zodiac signs and planets, each house is also “ruled” by one of each. Example, the third house is one of sharing and impacts communications. The sign associated with that house is Gemini and the planet associated with Gemini is Mercury. Therefore, the planet associated with the third house is Mercury and where issues in communication will likely arise.

The celestial cross referencing in this science is incredible. =It astounds me how complicated humans make things! Trust me when I say we Grigori only told them: “when that particular star constellation is in the eastern sky, that’s when you should plant your wheat”.

Aquarius

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You have opinions and you deserve to share them! Don’t forget that your words can change the world.

Leo                        (Jun 23 – Aug 22)

You are disorganized as all get out. If you want to make something of yourself you need a system.

Pisces              (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Old traumas are coming to visit along with Aunt Ethel. You can face them head on or… who are we kidding? You’re going to repress them again.

Virgo                   (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You will discover that you are psychic today. Sure it’s not the best super power, but hey, it’s something! Play with your new powers and the revelations they bring!

Aries                (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You have a good vantage point to sit back and laugh at the day. Take it in and enjoy it while you can.

Libra                     (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Pay attention to your dreams. They are trying to tell you something important. Every symbol matters.

Taurus          (Apr 20 – May 20)

Feeling emotional? That’s okay, stuff it deep down inside and ignore it. That always works.

Scorpio                    (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Listen to your guts. Do you hear them? What are they telling you? Yes. Do that.

Gemini         (May 21 – Jun 20)

Reality is threatening you again. Show it who’s boss.

Sagittarius            (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

It’s a great day to make a speech! Rush to the most crowded spot and start talking. Remember to project.

Cancer          (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

A blast from the past breezes back into your life. He’s become a time traveler.

Capricorn            (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Past mistakes are coming to bite you today. Told you.

* I wish it went without saying that this is a work of fiction. Please do not take it seriously.

That Time Azra Tried to Get Me to Catfish People

Sometimes my characters try to talk me into some shady tings. Well. Not all of them. Just one – I bet you can even guess which one it is. I can’t say that he’s doing it out of malice. No, his intentions are good. Because of this one very loud, very insistent voice in my head, I’ve spent a whole year dispensing terrible parenting advice (that even made it into its own illustrated guide- check it out under the shop tab). Then, after that was another year of general life advice that probably shouldn’t be followed ever. This time, Azra wanted me to tackle dating and love advice. Which, at the outset, sounded hilarious. Dating advice from a deranged, perpetual bachelor angel? There was no way it wasn’t going to be comical.

The intent was to let him loose on a dating app, see what happened, and then record the events in a blog. Genius, right?

That’s what I thought too. So, I spent an entire evening creating an OKCupid account for my imaginary friend (because, really. What other dating app would an angel use?). I answered HUNDREDS of questions and made his profile as obviously fake as I could. The pictures of “Azra” that I posted were far off surfer shots and none had discernable faces. I even created an e-mail account for my angel.

With everything in place and a definitive answer for any random question that app could throw at me (and believe me, there were some REALLY random questions) I let Azra loose on OKCupid.

Well, that is, until Azra’s profile started getting a LOT of attention. Despite the fact that I made it as blatantly fake as I could, people didn’t seem to care. They wanted to get to know this angel. When I saw the numbers and got a few messages from lonely people asking to meet up with my character that has, until now, lived only in my head and in my books, I realized that I couldn’t go through with any of this.  

Why, you may ask? Well, it’s simple. It’s all about the human element. It’s one thing to distribute bad advice and make a joke out of it, but it’s a completely other thing when there are real people involved who are potentially putting their hearts and minds on the line.

I simply can’t catfish someone for the sake of a humorous blog. I just won’t. It’s not right and I don’t think I want to be that kind of a person. The world is hard enough without people catching emotions for a fictional character on a dating site.

I guess Azra and I will have to come up with a different idea for his continuing blog series. If you have a suggestion, let me know in the comments.

Until next time, be more kind.

Kira + Azra

Ask Azra: Getting out of a Blind Date

Dear Azra. My friends are setting me up on a blind date that I don’t want to go on. I’m okay being single and I’ve told them that, but none of them are listening to me. They haven’t even given me the guy’s name so I can’t do a social media search to see what kind of crazy I’m getting into. All they tell me is that he’s nice and that he will meet me at the restaurant at seven pm Friday night. How can I get out of this?

Happily Single.

Well, Single, have you stopped to think why are your friends putting you through this? Why are they setting you up with random strangers? Could it be that you are not, in fact, good at being single? Perhaps you are such a mess when you are alone that setting you up with someone, no matter how random, is their last shot before one of them just ends up adopting you out of pity.

But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Since you don’t want your friends to keep trying to set you up, you’ve only got one chance to make this convincing. You have to make it blatantly clear, beyond all shadow if a doubt that you cannot be trusted in a relationship.  Not only do you have to scare away the blind date, but you also have to traumatize your friends enough so they don’t ever try something like this again. Go big or go home.

Since you are already single, you probably know how to scare off potential suitors on your own. Just in case, here are some tips on making sure you always identify with Beyonce’s song, “All the Single Ladies”.

·         Make a solid first impression by embracing your inner cat lady. Except don’t use cats, they are too mainstream. Use wild raccoons instead. Do your best to look like a trash panda- go excess smoky eye and over sized patchwork sweaters to make you look homeless. Bring your own feral raccoon to the restaurant. Say he is your service animal. Demand to inspect the dumpster of the restaurant before being seated. This way you can ferret through the discarded plates to see what is on the menu. Act like a raccoon. Be a raccoon.

·         Research him as much as you can... with him right in front of you. This is the perfect way to ask all of those nosy questions right to his face. Find his social media profiles. Ask what he meant by that vague post five years ago. Question his relationship with every other woman he is friends with. Demand to know why he doesn’t tag his mother in every other post. Pull his Credit Score and go over it with a fine tooth comb. Does he have any priors? Question him about his employment record. After all, this is supposed to be a “get to know you” date, right? Pull out all the stops. You never know if you will uncover the fact that he is a serial killer or a petty thief.

If, for some weird reason, the guy is still interested in pursuing a relationship with you, you only have one more option left.

Vomit.

That’s right. Vomit all over the table, the food, and the sorry bastard. Then run for your life.

Here’s to your Dream Date!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.