Ask Azra: Family Reunion Mess

Dear Azra,

I am about to host the first ever reunion for our family this month. I thought I was ready- I’ve got lodging for everyone, an activity program, and a food plan. But then everything fell apart. Not with anything I had planned, mind you. Rather with my family. All of a sudden a huge fight happened between my grandmother and my uncle. The details are unclear, but it has something to do with some property and a gang of raccoons. Whatever the details are, the family is now divided into two camps: my grandmother’s side and my uncle’s side. Both have called me and said they were coming to the reunion and made me promise to dis-invite the other. Now not only am I caught in the middle of what is going to be a massive family war, I am also playing hostess to the first major battle. Help!

Family Feud Victim

Dear Victim,

What is it with the idea of family reunions? All of the ones I’ve been involved with inevitably become a hot mess of bickering and paranoia which only increases the dread of the next forced family gathering. All in all, it is this angel’s idea of a terrible time, even without all the Hatfield vs McCoy drama that you have on your hands.

Still, have you thought about capitalizing on all of this threatened chaos? What I mean by that is if there’s going to be a fight, charge the public to come watch. Make it a real spectacle that everyone will want to witness first hand. Change your food plan to concession stands. Sacrifice the lodging budget to rent out the biggest venue you can find. Invest in an aggressive marketing campaign and street team to really promote this event. You have enough lead time on this to really generate a buzz.

When the time comes, arm your family members with the weapon of your choice; wooden swords, paint guns, rulers, dodgeballs, or cafeteria food. Lead them to the center of the venue with clip on mics and let them battle to the death.

I guarantee that the crowd will go wild! Plus you can profit from your family feud! Really, there’s nothing more American than that!

Put the fun back in dysfunction.

Azra

Ask Azra: Doomsday Dilemma

Dear Azra, I sincerely believe that we are living in the end of times. Be it from sociopolitical fallout, nuclear winter, or even natural disaster, the end of the world is just around the corner. My family, however, doesn’t believe me. My friends just laugh at me when I bring up the subject of being prepared. I need to make sure they are safe no matter what happens. I’ve started to stock pile some of the essential things we will need during the end of civilization, but I’m afraid to tell my wife and my kids about because they might send me back to the institution. How can I get them prepared when they refuse to even acknowledge the end is coming?

All the Best,

Preparer of the Preparations

            Dear Preparer,

I admire your tenacity and determination to make sure your family is taken care of during the end of times. What you are doing is very smart and eventually your family will thank you. But for now, it’s important to make sure your preparations are 100% complete before it’s too late. Then, once you are ready for them, you will need to lure your family there, either by hiring kidnappers, kidnapping them yourself or just drugging them and dragging them to your fully furnished bunker. When they come to, you can convince them that you are not, indeed, crazy. It’s the world that is crazy.

May the odds be in your favor!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.