Hi Azra! I’ve been seeing someone for about four months now. I feel like things are getting pretty serious between us. The only problem is that he’s married. He says their relationship has been over for years, but he’s not willing to get a divorce. He makes me so happy, happier than I’ve ever been. I can’t imagine myself without him. I need to know how to get him to leave his wife. We were meant to be together and she is just in the way.

Sincerely,

Lovelorn

Dear Lovelorn. I really hate to tell you this, but if he’s not leaving his wife after four months of seeing you on the side, then you’ve REALLY got to step up your game. Girl, he should have left her after the first date with you! Never fear. I will point out a couple of common mistakes you and several other women have made when they decided to seriously date a married man and how to correct them.

· Not understanding your enemy. If you decide to hook up with a married person, odds are that you are going to make a mortal enemy out of their current spouse or significant other. The likelihood of this increases the longer the affair goes on. You need to give yourself an edge by thoroughly investigating the enemy. The name of the game is getting enough dirt to completely bury them. Stalk them on social media. Infiltrate their circle of friends. Make them actually like you before they find out you’re in the process of stealing their spouse. When they do finally discover what’s going on, you’ll have a significant advantage in the war ahead of you.

· As you get to know your enemy, it’s equally imperative to clean up your own history. As soon as the news breaks that you’re in the picture, you will be the target of all sorts of investigative googling. Don’t give them anything that can be used against you. Make your own internet record as spotless as you can. You need to outshine them in every way possible.

· Make sure your intentions are clear to the person you are seeing. You intend to be in their life indefinitely and you won’t take no for an answer. Furthermore, you intend to take this inconvenient truth to anyone who will listen- including their friends and family. Do not, I repeat, do not keep this affair a secret! Shout it from the rooftops! Make sure you gather significant evidence of the relationship and post it on every social media outlet there is. This will make sure your chosen partner can’t say that you’ve been making up or that you are delusional. After all, the foundation of a true relationship is honesty. Also, this will be incredibly helpful for blackmail purposes should the relationship sour.

· Give deadlines for certain milestones in said relationship. Get that engagement ring at the five month anniversary! Insist on moving in after the third date! It’s not like they don’t know what being in a relationship is like.

There are many more pitfalls, but for now these tips should get you on the right track. Good luck, Lovelorn!

I want an invite to the wedding!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Blackmail is the practice of making people do what you want by threatening to expose a secret or something they’ve done to others. Many people get quite a lot of money this way. I say, why stop at mere money? Why not use it as a way to get your child to behave?

Warning: this does require quite a bit of planning before any expected reward. Patience is key. Here are three simple steps to get you started:

1. Gather evidence of embarrassing outfits and situations. Dress your child up in ridiculous clothing. Stage compromising scenarios.

2. Through the child’s life, allude to some terrible secret that would completely ruin the kid’s life forever. Really make them paranoid and fearful of anyone finding out. Make them convinced that thing you have evidence of is the epitome of shame.

3. Any time the child acts up, threaten to tell the world about the embarrassing behavior/scenario.

The results of this process are amazing. Obviously it isn’t effective for children who don’t understand the concept of shame (seven and under, I’ve found), but it does work fantastically on those obnoxious teenagers. The trick is to plan early and execute knowing you’ll need this evidence later.

If you didn’t have the foresight to manufacture your blackmail material, you can always trick them into giving up a terrible secret. There’s also the rumor mill approach where you can threaten to start a devastating rumor about them in their chosen social circles.

Really, there are many options to choose from. Believe me, it works.

Happy Blackmailing!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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