2019 is about to close. At the stroke of midnight tonight, it will be a new year, a new decade, a new start. While I am very much looking forward with hope, I am also looking backwards with a critical eye and a fair amount of gratitude. This last year was difficult on many levels. The most of which, for me, was recognizing a toxic situation and the steps I needed to take to remove myself and recover from it.
This year I had to make a choice between a stressful job (that came with an incredible paycheck, I might add) and my own physical, mental, and emotional health. The decision I made will impact my life for years to come. And it wasn’t easy.
I am sure many of you have been in the same situation I was; high pressure job that you were led on to believe that it was a stepping stone to something greater and with even better pay. Constant fire drills at work. Long days in the office, cancelled PTO days, and in general not having a lot of time to breathe.
Because of the person I am, I threw myself headlong into the thick of it. I burned out as brightly as I could.
In that process of burning out, the rose colored glasses slipped off. I started questioning how I was being treated, the ethics behind working people like they did. When my questions got no answers, I started speaking out.
This was met with varying degrees of indifference. I was told I was imagining things and that disrespect in the workplace was common. More than common, it’s a fact of life for women in Corporate America. To be angry and upset about the way of the world was childish. I was told to grow up and to stop being so emotional.
Naturally that didn’t sit well with me. To be human is to be emotional. We feel things like happiness, sadness, stress, anger, etc for a reason. It was apparent that I had a choice to make. I could allow myself to be treated this way, which meant I would never get any respect again while I chased a promotion that was being dangled in front of me like a carrot. Or, I could get out and take my chances elsewhere, but with my dignity and mental health intact.
Even with realizing the trap I was in, when the opportunity came to leave, I hesitated to seize it. I hesitated because it was a definite backslide both career wise money wise. After all, I still half-believed that I would be promoted soon.
In that moment, it wasn’t self-care that I was thinking of; it was that ever present need to keep pushing forward, no matter what the cost.
That blind determination was what actually made me pause. And that’s when I had an honest conversation with myself about where I was mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I didn’t realize quite how bad things had gotten. It truly took some not so gentle poking and frank conversations with my best friends and my husband for me to understand that I was not okay. Even with that shattering revelation, it took four pros/cons lists (that all balanced out perfectly) for me to realize that this opportunity to leave wasn’t something I could approach as a logical choice. This was an emotional choice.
Many people downplay the emotional choices. They think that just because decisions are based on emotions and feelings, then it’s a bad thing. That can’t be farther from the truth. Emotional choices are usually the most important and life changing choices you will ever make. Emotions play a huge factor in our lives so why wouldn’t they also play a huge part making decisions like this? Again, to be human is to be an emotional creature.
In the end, I chose to take that dangerous step backwards. I chose to focus on myself and my health. My day job is not my passion. It is not what I want to be remembered for or what I want to spend all of my time on. The money would have been much welcome, but it wouldn’t have helped my health or my mental attitude.
Taking that backwards step was hard. Really hard. It came with a lot of repercussions that I wasn’t anticipating. For instance, I’ve found it extremely difficult to adjust to a slower pace in my new position. I feel bored and like I was wasting time. Also for me there’s a strange shame in not being the best I could be, for not giving every situation I am in my all.
I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times that I regretted my decision. I find myself wondering about my old job and wondering what it would have been like if I hadn’t left. But in those times of doubt, I have to constantly remind myself that I needed to do this. Furthermore, I need to give myself time to heal from what was becoming a toxic situation.
It’s been a few months now since I took that fateful step back. It’s still hard, but I am now finally getting to a good balance with my life. I am writing more, I have more time with my family and my friends. I actually have been able to take significant time off of work without feeling like I have to log in every hour. It’s still slow, but I am adjusting.
The moral of this story is that sometimes self-care isn’t all bubble baths and chocolate. It’s doing what’s best for you, even if that means going backwards a little bit. Self-care is not an indulgence. It’s a survival skill. It’s balance. That means that some sacrifices need to be made in order to ensure you are taking adequate care of yourself.
So in the next decade, take care of yourself. Even if you have to sacrifice some things that society thinks you should have. Focus on your happiness and strive for balance.
Much Love
Kira
