Ask Azra: Family Reunion Mess

Dear Azra,

I am about to host the first ever reunion for our family this month. I thought I was ready- I’ve got lodging for everyone, an activity program, and a food plan. But then everything fell apart. Not with anything I had planned, mind you. Rather with my family. All of a sudden a huge fight happened between my grandmother and my uncle. The details are unclear, but it has something to do with some property and a gang of raccoons. Whatever the details are, the family is now divided into two camps: my grandmother’s side and my uncle’s side. Both have called me and said they were coming to the reunion and made me promise to dis-invite the other. Now not only am I caught in the middle of what is going to be a massive family war, I am also playing hostess to the first major battle. Help!

Family Feud Victim

Dear Victim,

What is it with the idea of family reunions? All of the ones I’ve been involved with inevitably become a hot mess of bickering and paranoia which only increases the dread of the next forced family gathering. All in all, it is this angel’s idea of a terrible time, even without all the Hatfield vs McCoy drama that you have on your hands.

Still, have you thought about capitalizing on all of this threatened chaos? What I mean by that is if there’s going to be a fight, charge the public to come watch. Make it a real spectacle that everyone will want to witness first hand. Change your food plan to concession stands. Sacrifice the lodging budget to rent out the biggest venue you can find. Invest in an aggressive marketing campaign and street team to really promote this event. You have enough lead time on this to really generate a buzz.

When the time comes, arm your family members with the weapon of your choice; wooden swords, paint guns, rulers, dodgeballs, or cafeteria food. Lead them to the center of the venue with clip on mics and let them battle to the death.

I guarantee that the crowd will go wild! Plus you can profit from your family feud! Really, there’s nothing more American than that!

Put the fun back in dysfunction.

Azra

Ask Azra: The Alien/Angel Connection

Dear Azra,

You’re supposed to be an angel right? Well, aren’t angels technically aliens since they aren’t from earth? If angels aren’t aliens, then what is the difference between them?

Thanks,

Conspiracy Theorist in Waiting

Dear Conspiracy,

What in all of creation are you smoking? Where did this question even come from? Can I just tell you how ridiculous this is? However, because you wrote in, I have no choice but to answer, but be forewarned, I have VERY strong opinions that I am about to unleash. Anyone who is easily offended (looking at you keyboard warriors), please go check out another more interesting corner of this site.

Ok, now that they are gone. I will address your insolent and absurd questions one at a time.

1.      I’m not just supposed to be an angel, I actually am one. Yep! I’m a Grigori, also known as a Watcher. Don’t know what choir that is? That’s why the gods created Google.

2.      No, angels most certainly are NOT aliens. Just because we aren’t from earth doesn’t automatically mean we are relegated to the status of little slimy green men or space insects with domination complexes. How dare you even draw the comparison!

3.      There is a massive difference between aliens and angels. The primary example being that angels are sophisticated celestial beings who are older than humans by a long shot. We have been on earth a millennia longer than you lot. We help humans when we can and protect them from our evil brothers and sisters, the fallen angels.

By contrast, aliens are sophisticated celestial beings with a penchant for technology and space exploration. They are convinced that their ways are the only ways and will eradicate the human species in the blink of an eye. You won’t catch us angels trying to take over other planets! We can’t even confidently work the internet, so piloting a spacecraft is just out of the question.

I hope this has answered your dumb question on the major differences between angels and aliens. There is no connection. We are not the same.

Keep Your Alien Theories to Yourself

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.