Azra’s Dating Advice: Where to Look for Love

Hey there internet gremlins! It is I, your favorite advice angel, Azra. It’s a new decade and so I thought I would change things up a bit and find me a soul mate. What better way to do that then the internet! Specifically those dating apps I’ve heard so much about.

Well, I’ve signed up for one and man! All of this info that they ask for up front? Like am I a robot? (How dare a computer ask me that?) How important is religion to you? (um, pretty dang important since my grand-baby is a Goddess.) What’s your favorite conspiracy theory? (The one about the landing strips for gay Martians in Des Moines). Who knew that the dating world could be so interesting already?

Buckle up, buttercups! Uncle Azra is dating now!

Yeehaw!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Career Advice

Hey Azra,

I’m a junior in highschool. There’s a lot of pressure to choose my future career. The problem is that I have no idea what I want to do. How can I decide the course of my entire life when I’m only sixteen?

Undeclared Future of the World.

Dear Undeclared,

What do you mean you haven’t decided on your career yet? Why is it taking you so long? You only have one more year left before officially starting your life. You have to get this right and you can’t change your mind. Ever.

Make sure you choose something that is critical to human existence, but isn’t so popular that the work force will be flooded with applicants. You need to be in demand and unique, offering something that humans can’t do without such as coopers or telephone operators.

The future is coming at you fast. Better choose quickly and wisely.

Jack of All Trades,

Azra

Ask Azra: Family Reunion Mess

Dear Azra,

I am about to host the first ever reunion for our family this month. I thought I was ready- I’ve got lodging for everyone, an activity program, and a food plan. But then everything fell apart. Not with anything I had planned, mind you. Rather with my family. All of a sudden a huge fight happened between my grandmother and my uncle. The details are unclear, but it has something to do with some property and a gang of raccoons. Whatever the details are, the family is now divided into two camps: my grandmother’s side and my uncle’s side. Both have called me and said they were coming to the reunion and made me promise to dis-invite the other. Now not only am I caught in the middle of what is going to be a massive family war, I am also playing hostess to the first major battle. Help!

Family Feud Victim

Dear Victim,

What is it with the idea of family reunions? All of the ones I’ve been involved with inevitably become a hot mess of bickering and paranoia which only increases the dread of the next forced family gathering. All in all, it is this angel’s idea of a terrible time, even without all the Hatfield vs McCoy drama that you have on your hands.

Still, have you thought about capitalizing on all of this threatened chaos? What I mean by that is if there’s going to be a fight, charge the public to come watch. Make it a real spectacle that everyone will want to witness first hand. Change your food plan to concession stands. Sacrifice the lodging budget to rent out the biggest venue you can find. Invest in an aggressive marketing campaign and street team to really promote this event. You have enough lead time on this to really generate a buzz.

When the time comes, arm your family members with the weapon of your choice; wooden swords, paint guns, rulers, dodgeballs, or cafeteria food. Lead them to the center of the venue with clip on mics and let them battle to the death.

I guarantee that the crowd will go wild! Plus you can profit from your family feud! Really, there’s nothing more American than that!

Put the fun back in dysfunction.

Azra

Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting

Well my faithful internet dwellers, it’s been awhile. I know you’ve missed my wisdom, but I promise my absence has been for a good cause. You see, I’ve been working on a project that has demanded quite a bit of my attention of late. It’s a rare opportunity that I’ve seized upon and have been lucky enough to finally complete.

In my absence from you, I’ve been compiling some of my more poignant advice on the subject of child rearing.

That’s right! Step aside, Dr. Spock. I, Azra, am taking your place as resident baby genius with the official release of my illustrated guide to parenting.

How to raise human offsping is often a controversial and contentious topic. No more! The illustrated guide will ensure that you steer your little monsters into the correct direction. Win the game of parenting with insider information only an exiled angel could give. With illustrations graciously created by the one and only Kylara Griffis (@perpetual_artistry), this comic-style guide is truly one of a kind.

Just in time for Mother’s Day, you can own the best parenting advice you’ll ever have the privilege of knowing in a convenient, easy to read book.

The whole purpose of procreation is to perpetuate the human race. Without the right guidance, all of that effort to incubate the little terrors will be wasted when they are ruined by horrific, antiquated parenting advice. For the sake of all of the human race, pick up a copy now for everyone you know who have children, could have children, or even just be around children occasionally and be the first wave of the new parenting future. Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting is only available at fivesmilingfish.com/shop/.

Read On!

Azra

Ask Azra: Seasonal Depression; Battling the Blues with Lights

Dear Azra,

I hate this time of year. The holidays are a special kind of Hell for me. Everyone is so happy and trading presents and spending time with family. And here I am sitting alone in a dark apartment. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. How can I get over this? Why can’t I just enjoy the holidays like everyone else?

Sincerely,

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

This is a common phenomenon that occurs often within your species. A lot of times people are overwhelmed with the intense social responsibilities and expectations placed upon them by the season of holidays. The important thing to understand is that you are not alone. Millions of people are affected the same way.

What I’ve learned during my time with the human race, however, is how resilient they are. Also, how the littlest things, the smallest advances in technology can remind them of the beauty they are surrounded with.

So, my advice. When you are feeling this down again, when you are stuck in that darkened apartment you described, do something for me. Go look at Christmas Lights.

That’s right. Christmas Lights.

Grab yourself some hot chocolate and observe all of the multicolored LED goodness. I promise, you will feel better afterward and, you’ll have had some hot chocolate!

Go Towards the Light!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. However, this particular blog isn’t bad advice at all. Remember, the holidays aren’t jolly for everyone. Check in on your fellow man. If you need it, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255, you can also go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Ask Azra: How To Handle An Inheritance

Dear Azra,

My wife’s great uncle just passed. We were contacted by his lawyers and they told us that he left his entire estate to my wife. While I don’t know exactly how much we are getting or what all the estate entails, I do know that it includes a mansion up in the hills. Any advice on how to adjust to my new life of luxury?

Thanks,

Rollin in Dough

Dear Rollin.

Obviously there is only one thing you can do when faced with such an abrupt shift in personal wealth. You are now a billionaire and you should quickly establish you eccentricity so you can fit in with the other billionaires. Quit your job. Like, immediately. You don’t need it and the limitations it places on you. Sell the home you are currently living in. Or, better yet, give it away! After all, you now have this rumored mansion in the hills to call home now. Plus it’s important to be benevolent to the little people who don’t have as much as you. Finally, and this is a BIG one, make your new social status known to EVERYONE. Take out ad space on the television, buy a billboard, blast it out on social media. Let them all bask in the glory of your new inheritance and wrestle with their jealousy.

Happy Windfalling,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ask Azra: Battling Boredom- How to Make Your Life More Interesting

Dear Azra. I am bored. Not in an “oh, I need to pick up a hobby” or “call up some friends” kind of way. I am seriously, completely, and utterly bored of my life. There’s nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same old routine: I get up, I go to work, I come home, I watch some TV, then I go to sleep only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. How can I get some excitement in my life? How can I truly start to live?

Sincerely,

Bored to Tears

Dear Bored

It’s obvious what you have to do. Yes, that’s right. The exact opposite of what you have been doing. If you want to stop being bored, then stop doing the stuff that’s making you boring. Quit your job. Abandon your home. Hit the road. Take up shark taming as your hobby. Become a double agent. Get yourself lost in the Amazon. Ditch everyone you know and find different friends. Start living your life as though you were someone else because if you’re bored then you are boring.

Be anyone but you!

Azra