Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting

Well my faithful internet dwellers, it’s been awhile. I know you’ve missed my wisdom, but I promise my absence has been for a good cause. You see, I’ve been working on a project that has demanded quite a bit of my attention of late. It’s a rare opportunity that I’ve seized upon and have been lucky enough to finally complete.

In my absence from you, I’ve been compiling some of my more poignant advice on the subject of child rearing.

That’s right! Step aside, Dr. Spock. I, Azra, am taking your place as resident baby genius with the official release of my illustrated guide to parenting.

How to raise human offsping is often a controversial and contentious topic. No more! The illustrated guide will ensure that you steer your little monsters into the correct direction. Win the game of parenting with insider information only an exiled angel could give. With illustrations graciously created by the one and only Kylara Griffis (@perpetual_artistry), this comic-style guide is truly one of a kind.

Just in time for Mother’s Day, you can own the best parenting advice you’ll ever have the privilege of knowing in a convenient, easy to read book.

The whole purpose of procreation is to perpetuate the human race. Without the right guidance, all of that effort to incubate the little terrors will be wasted when they are ruined by horrific, antiquated parenting advice. For the sake of all of the human race, pick up a copy now for everyone you know who have children, could have children, or even just be around children occasionally and be the first wave of the new parenting future. Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting is only available at fivesmilingfish.com/shop/.

Read On!

Azra

Summer Camps- Despite the Bad Press, They Are a Good Idea

Bust out the duffel bags and Popsicle sticks. Summer camps are severely under-rated. These glorious temporary colonies of mostly children serve several important functions, not only for your offspring, but also for you— the parental figure’s— well-being. Summer camps were the height of fashion in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Honestly they should have been big deals for longer and earlier, but I digress.

What exactly are the benefits of Summer Camps? Well sit back and apply your mosquito repellent and I’ll tell you.

1.       You can ship off your spawn to be someone else’s problem for a couple of weeks in the summer. That means you can kick back and take a well-earned vacation from parenting.

2.       Depending on the type of camp, your offspring could come back a completely different person. Or at least knowing some important survival skills. Like that Disney Movie about fat summer camps? Yeah. You know the one. Those kids learned many valuable lessons. Don’t let yours miss out on those lessons. Look into camps that specialize in survival skills or Popsicle stick art. Either works.

3.       Your offspring will gain an appreciation for nature. There’s nothing like being farted on by a small black and white forest creature to give a deep, unrelenting appreciation for the finer things on God’s green earth.

4.       The farther, more remote the camp is the better. This will allow your offspring to learn how to be away from you, dealing on their own.  

5.       Use the haunted summer camps as the ultimate test before your kids go off into the world on their own. Don’t believe me? Watch any of the Jason movies. The ones with no common sense and poor reflexes are the first to die. If your spawn makes it through, then congratulations! They are eligible for leveling up.

Give yourself and your parenting partner a break next summer. Ship your kid off to someone else to deal with for a few weeks.

Grab the s’mores fixings!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How to Choose an Appropriate Name for Your Offspring

Names are important. Names are what you carry with you through your entire life. You can’t escape them.

In the exciting and terrifying first weeks of finding out that you are going to be parents, one of the biggest topics is what you will call your spawn. New parents will read name books, credits of movies, and, sometimes, just start stringing random words together to come up with some moniker that sounds decent.

Well, if you are stuck for a name for your new podling, here are some guiding questions to help you decide:  

1.       Do the letters look good in caligraphy?

2.       Are the letters mostly vowels, thereby allowing the sounds to roll off the tongue seamlessly?

3.       Is it a famous name?

4.       Do all the names come together in a glorious pun?

5.       Do the initials stand for some popular acronym such as SMH or WTF?

6.       Are there unnecessary letters?

7.       Are there more than six parts to the names?

8.       Will other kids mercilessly mock and make jokes about the name in the future?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, then congratulations! You have the name of your child. If you are still stuck with a few options, why choose? Mash those together into one name.

Happy Naming!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*