Coming of Age; Understanding When Your Parenting Job Is Done

January 30, 2018 Five Smiling Fish

Being a parent is a thankless job. You pour your blood, sweat, and tears into your spawn and surround them with fervent prayers that they turn out to be meaningful contributors to the human race. It seems that the work is never done. What many parents fail to realize is that there is, in fact, an end date to all this parenting torment! Believe it or not, it is when your child becomes, dare I say it? An adult.

Oh sure there’s all this hooey about how they will always be your little snot rag and how in your heart you will always worry if they are getting enough to eat. Bullshit. That is the parental guilt talking (yeah, it has a way of backfiring on those who use it.... beware).

The reality is this. Once your offspring becomes an adult, you are FREE! If you did things right, then your little monster can’t wait to become independent of you. That’s even better because it will make the transition period easier to deal with.

So really, the only question you should be asking is when does this magical age of adulting occur?

The answer is a little complicated and has to do with various cultural and societal norms in your location and time period. For example, many cultures believe that once a person reaches puberty, they are considered an adult. Others tend to go with what their government considers age of majority. That would be 18 in the US. To be safe, I’d average out what the government’s age of majority with your own cultural and or religious definition of adult is and then viola! There you have it, your end date to parenting!

What does it mean to be done with parenting? Well, it’s simple, really. You stop teaching them things. You make them be independent and make their own way in life. To test if they are ready, many cultures have what they consider a right of passage into adulthood where the person has to prove they are capable of taking care of themselves. If your culture doesn’t have anything like that, you can definitely make one up. Bonus points if you make it escape room style where you magically disappear at the end. At least for a little while.

Remember, parents. There is an end to all of this madness. Hang on just a little longer. You will soon be done with your contribution to your species!

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Some Assembly Required— The Lie

December 26, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

When giving gifts to your offspring, it is best to watch out for these three words: Some Assembly Required.

This is the biggest scam in all of capitalism.

Toy manufacturers are notorious for conning you into doing the labor of assembling their creation for them. More often than not, you do it too! Why? Because you think it’s necessary for your offspring’s full enjoyment of said purchase.

Giving presents to children isn’t as easy as it once was. Modern youngsters are no longer enthralled by simple toys. No more sticks with hoops, corn husk dolls, or moderately sized rocks. No, everything these pint sized terrors want comes in a million microscopic plastic pieces and has to be put together with the aid of advanced engineering degrees.

This, my dear fellow parental figures, is where you are going about all of this all wrong. Don’t buy into the manufacturer’s blackmailing techniques! Don’t let them suck away inordinate amounts of your life without even minimum wage payment. Don’t spend your holidays, birthdays, funerals, and weekends putting together the equivalency of miniature life-sized 3-D plastic puzzles. Don’t let the toy companies bamboozle you with their instructions (they are not, in fact, instructions. Really they are ancient Egyptian gossip magazines about pop stars of the time.

You know your spawn will only spend 5 minutes with the newly assembled lump of plastic. It’s just not worth the time you put into it.

So, how do you find a way out of this particular time suck? Simple.

Let the kids assemble their own toys. After all, the laws of gift giving stipulate that responsibility for said gift is transferred as soon as they rip into that wrapping paper. If they want it, then they should be the ones to struggle to put it together.

Incorporating this driving principal in your gift giving will do a number of things.

1. It’ll save you a lot of money. Your offspring will think twice before asking you for the triple story swing set if you tell them that they will have to build it on their own.

2. Your offspring will develop a new and impressive set of skills including translating assembly instructions into plain language, the science of engineering ergonomic plastic kitchens, and familiarity with cheaply manufactured tools that would supposedly work to put all of the random bits in the boxes together.

3. You will get a lot more time back to do things that you want to do. Like finally putting together that book case from Ikea.

4. You may be able to successfully sue the toy companies for violations of child labor laws.

It’s time to get your spawn a decent set of tools and sit back and relax. I’ve solved the some assembly required problem. You are welcome.

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Godparents: Deciding to Whom You Should Bequeath Your Offspring

December 12, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Humans tend to die. It’s one of the more unfortunate side effects of life. However, if both you and your co-parental figure manage to bite the big one before your spawn are considered fully grown by local law, then there’s the thorny issue of who will be responsible for them.

Most parents have their backups picked before their little monster even comes into the world, but for those of us who aren’t so pessimistic about our ability to survive parenthood, here are some points to consider when choosing the godparents of your mini terrors.

1. Are the beings you chose to care for your animated DNA strands actually deities? I mean, god parents really should live up to the title, right? If you can’t have actual deities take care of your kids, then you’ll just have to settle for those of your own ilk.

2. Do your little snot monsters know the candidates you are considering? Do they like them? Do the potential parental replacements get along with your kids? If so, cross them off the list. The best thing for your kids is to be uncomfortable with wherever they end up. Putting them in a strange place with strange people will motivate them to better themselves. Plus, if they wind up with someone terrible, it will forever enshrine your memory. The only thing you have to do is make sure the adult knows what they are getting into.

3. Make sure the replacement parents and/or family lives far away from where you and yours lived. Again, you want to go for the most change possible for after you pass. It will be for the best that I promise you.

Now, if you can’t find anyone that would be willing to take on your spawn, more or less sight unseen, there is one more option. You can leave your offspring to your local government. From there, they will be put into what they call a system where they will be shipped around to different strangers or even group homes until they come of age. As far as change, that would be the best option.

In the end, just do what’s right for you and your family. Give lots of thought to what would happen should you end up six feet under.

Plan Ahead,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Myths of Childhood Part 1: The Tooth Fairy

November 14, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Lying is an integral part of being a good parent. All the best parents have that in common; they can successfully and consistently lie to their offspring. Most lies are to give a sense of hope; to soothe your offspring in stressful situations. Some lies just help you get through the day in one piece without strangling them.

We are going to discuss the more universal and socially expected lies or, as I like to call them, the myths of childhood.

There are several of these myths that we delve into overtime. Today, though, I want to discuss one particular lie we tell our young and that is the existence of the tooth fairy.

For the few who aren’t familiar with this phenomenon, let me explain. When a child loses a tooth (and they do this a few times in their life cycle- refer to my blog about teething earlier in this series) parents convince their children to put the detached tooth under their pillow so when they are sleeping called a tooth fairy comes and takes the tooth. In exchange, the tooth fairy leaves a few bucks under the pillow.

I can’t think of anything more terrifying to tell their kid.

This is the kind of lie that makes things like the human organ black market possible. Not only that, stop and consider what message this sort of thing gives young and impressionable minds. Kids are a lot smarter than they pretend to be. It’s not going to take them long to figure out that one child’s tooth is pretty indistinguishable from another. BOOM! Suddenly your offspring is borrowing your toolbox to “play” dentist with the neighbor kids.

Also, what about the natural progression of this? What I mean by that is children are, in fact, worth some serious cash. If a stupid fairy will pay a couple of bucks for a small tooth, how much would their leg be worth? Their spleen? Where does it end?

Pretty soon there will be a suspicious amount of red in your laundry and a distinct increase in kids with deformities in your neighborhood.

And it’s all because of one innocent lie about some fairy with a tooth fetish.

For shame!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Where to Give Birth to Your Brood; Modern Day Options

November 7, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Nowadays there’s a big emphasis on where to give birth; either at home or a hospital. It wasn’t all that long ago that all births were home births, so this debate confuses me a bit. There are merits to both and there’s a surprising third option that I’ll delve into later on. For now, though, the basics of home birth and hospital birth.

Home Birth: the natural choice. Since pretty much the dawn of human existence, women have been giving birth to their spawn in their own dwellings. The perks are that they are somewhere comfortable for what has, historically, been an intense, life or death process. Creature comforts at home are proven to make the pain a little more bearable. Plus humans do that nesting thing when they are expecting. It has to be for a reason. The biggest up side to home birth is that you can do it however you want. Meaning, if you want to have your entire family witness this miraculous moment of blood and gore, you can do that! If you want to make a party of the whole thing, you can do that too! Want to give birth to your spawn in water? Sure, why else did you get a pool? Want to listen to the sounds of the Serengeti at sunset as you push another human out of you? Load up your ipod and turn up your sound bar. Really, the home option is the best one for full customization of the birthing experience.

Hospital Birth: the modern option. Hospitals are currently thought to be the best place to have a baby. After all, they have doctors, nurses, and, most importantly, super powerful drugs that can get you through the whole delivery thing without feeling a thing. It’s also handy to be in a central medical facility in the event something goes wrong with the delivery; they will have the resources to help. There is one major down side to hospitals, though. That is the price of them. It can cost thousands of dollars to give birth to your offspring in one of these facilities.

Last but not least, one of the more underutilized and highly unique options as far as giving birth: Disneyland. Or, if not the great mouse utopia, why not another theme park? Or national monument? Really, you can choose your favorite spot on earth to bring forth new life. And why not? Why should you be confined to either your home or a medical facility? Giving birth is one of the most natural things in the world. It should be celebrated! It should be known and witnessed by the whole of humanity. And preferably on the best roller coaster around.

Remember to Breathe,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Having the “Talk”— A Strategy for the Most Awkward Conversation You’ll Ever Have

October 24, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Parenthood is marked with many awkward moments. Most of which will be completely unique to you and your offspring. However, there is one unifying experience that happens to be the absolute most awkward conversation that you’ll ever have with your spawn. It’s explaining to your kid exactly how they came to be. No, I’m not talking about the absurd stories with storks, cabbages, or rainy night doorstep deliveries. I mean the nitty gritty purely carnal story.

Usually this sordid conversation happens around the time when puberty hits your spawn. All of the changes that happen in the pubescent years really make the ‘talk’ relevant. After all, things are morphing those small humans into bigger humans and with all the hormones happening. . . well you get the idea.

So how do you even have this strange conversation? Never fear. Uncle Azra is here with tips on how to make this inevitable uncomfortable conversation easier on you. Your kid, however, is on their own.

1. Timing is everything. In order to ensure your spawn’s full, undivided attention, it is best to catch them by surprise. Sideline them when they are on their way out the door, break into their room when they are sleeping and wake them up with an air horn. If they are not prepared for the talk, they can’t find a way out of it.

2. Never underestimate the use of visual aides. These can be anything from pre-printed diagrams, educational videos, paid actors, puppets, really your imagination is the limit. Studies have shown that visual representation makes the talk go smoother. It also gives you somewhere to look besides the horrified expression of your offspring.

3. Highlight and exaggerate the consequences of fornication. What we don’t want is the kids to use this information and start acting on it. Oh no, that would just engender mass chaos. No. We must be sure they understand that their actions most definitely have consequences. They kiss someone? Automatic Herpes. Get to third base? Risk of pregnancy. Heck, if they touch themselves, perpetuate the myth that they will go blind. It’s just going to make them more cautious.

4. To really drive your point home, outline additional punishments and/ or activities. If they have a date, make them carry around a remote control baby doll. If you have the remote, make it cry, spit up, etc at the most intimate points of the date. Make them watch home birth videos to ensure they won’t want to procreate until they are a little older. Give their dates contraceptives upon meeting them. If you can, wink at them.

Above all, when having the talk, be as descriptive and detailed as possible. You’ll want to skim over some of the more salacious points, but don’t. Trust me. The more vivid you can make this, the more traumatizing it will be and, therefore, more effective.

Happy Educating!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Preparing Your Spawn for a Sibling

October 17, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Many parental figures find it prudent to have more than one offspring. Biologically it makes a certain amount of sense. I mean, the more spawn you produce, the more likely it is that the human race will continue. Not to mention that it’s helpful to have a ‘do over’ in case you irreparably mess up the first ankle biter. If you have more than two, then your averages for producing a decent human being only increase.

However, there is a significant flip side to having multiple offspring. For the sake of brevity, I’ll summarize.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER LOVING MIND?! Has nothing you’ve been through with the first little terror you’ve unwittingly unleashed upon the world been enough for you to keep it in your pants? You truly want to relive every inadvertent golden shower, every tantrum, every moment of panic all over again?

I digress. Who am I to judge how you choose to punish yourself for whatever heinous skeleton is in your closet?

The real purpose of this particular blog is making sure your first mini human is prepared for the invasions of a more annoying and even more mini-er human.

Now, before you run off to tell your oldest that they weren’t enough for you to love only them, consider these factors for what is bound to be an intense conversation full of tears and blame.

1. How old is your current offspring? Scientists have proven that the older the first child is, the more they will be personally insulted by another sibling entering the picture. Whereas the younger they are, another drool monster is less of an impact. My advice, any spawn younger than eight years of age, don’t worry about telling them of the new family edition until your little bundle of horror comes home from the hospital.

2. Have you already had the ‘talk’ with your youngster? You know. The reproduction talk? The buzzing insect and feathered balls of beaks and talons discussion? If you haven’t, then you may need to prepare for a lot of awkward questions that will complicate the whole conversation. However, on the other side, this could be a very teachable moment as far as the “if you allow your hormones to go too far with the lip mashing, then you could wind up like your mother.” It depends on how much you want to drive the lesson home. To really emphasize that premature procreation is a bad thing, you can hand over the second offspring into the care of the oldest as a crash course in parenting.

3. Do they have friends with siblings? Perhaps to ease the stress of communicating they will no longer be the only child in your universe, you could conscript another set of parents to have the talk for you. After all, they’ve already been through this tough time before and it does take a village...

4. Has your offspring done something terrible lately? Are they in trouble? If so, you can use the coming of a sibling as a sort of punishment for them. If you make the whole thing their fault (again, it is helpful if you haven’t had the ‘talk’ for this route), it will take their anger and blame off of you and put it squarely on their own shoulders.

While I don’t agree with your choice to have multiple spawn, I can understand how useful siblings can be in the rearing of your first grand experiment. Good luck with that. As a refresher, you may want to go back to the first blog in this series and up your stock in sanitizer.

Here we go again,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Summer Camps- Despite the Bad Press, They Are a Good Idea

October 3, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Bust out the duffel bags and Popsicle sticks. Summer camps are severely under-rated. These glorious temporary colonies of mostly children serve several important functions, not only for your offspring, but also for you— the parental figure’s— well-being. Summer camps were the height of fashion in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Honestly they should have been big deals for longer and earlier, but I digress.

What exactly are the benefits of Summer Camps? Well sit back and apply your mosquito repellent and I’ll tell you.

1. You can ship off your spawn to be someone else’s problem for a couple of weeks in the summer. That means you can kick back and take a well-earned vacation from parenting.

2. Depending on the type of camp, your offspring could come back a completely different person. Or at least knowing some important survival skills. Like that Disney Movie about fat summer camps? Yeah. You know the one. Those kids learned many valuable lessons. Don’t let yours miss out on those lessons. Look into camps that specialize in survival skills or Popsicle stick art. Either works.

3. Your offspring will gain an appreciation for nature. There’s nothing like being farted on by a small black and white forest creature to give a deep, unrelenting appreciation for the finer things on God’s green earth.

4. The farther, more remote the camp is the better. This will allow your offspring to learn how to be away from you, dealing on their own.

5. Use the haunted summer camps as the ultimate test before your kids go off into the world on their own. Don’t believe me? Watch any of the Jason movies. The ones with no common sense and poor reflexes are the first to die. If your spawn makes it through, then congratulations! They are eligible for leveling up.

Give yourself and your parenting partner a break next summer. Ship your kid off to someone else to deal with for a few weeks.

Grab the s’mores fixings!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Public School vs. Private School vs. Home School: The Best Way To Train Your Rug Rat

September 26, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

In most modern first world countries, there is a huge debate on schools. Specifically what kind of schools are the best to train your spawn in subjects that have very little to do with real life scenarios. I like to think of them as hypothetical training camps for non-effectual humans. Really, schools do very little to actually prepare your offspring for real life. But, if you insist on following the rules of the government and making your kid be subjected to the regime approved curriculum, here are some things you need to know about your options.

Public School: This is the most common option utilized by the masses. Public schools are subject to government regulations and approvals. The teachers are paid (poorly) by state and federal taxes. This means they are government agents and should not, I repeat, should NOT be trusted. Anything they tell your child is most likely being recorded and is heavily scripted. (however, you pay taxes, so that would make the government YOUR employee, and, de facto, the teachers as well... Something to consider there). Children in public schools must go at the pace of the slowest learner. This means if your offspring is quick on the uptake, they will get bored rather quickly. Public school is also a place for every one of all walks of life to send their spawn. This means your goober will be exposed to varied influences ranging from “oh, that’s nice,” to “for the love of everything sacred, why would you do that?!” Your child would be able to pick up any range of habits based on their school mates. Public school is a role of the dice.

Private Schools: While not run by the government, they still have to adhere to the state standards for most subjects. They can choose not to teach certain things, but usually this is linked to some sort of religion. Just because they are not sanctioned by the currently ruling regime does not mean they are much better for your rugrat. Instead, you will have someone’s personally held beliefs presented as hard facts. Teachers are typically paid more to care in private schools, but not by much. They do offer a sort of predictable quality in their attendees, though. Usually those who get in are part of a pre-established group (e.g. Catholics). This, I have found, can have a limiting impact on your offspring, making them snooty or smug or any other s- word. Oh, and tuition into private schools is often a LOT more than public school. Ostensibly, it is to pay the teachers more to care, but there is no empirical evidence for that.

Home School: Ah, the DIY of schooling. If you are unsatisfied with the above two options, you can choose to teach your spawn yourself. This would mean hours of lesson planning, research, course guides, disguising chores as assignments, grading, and actually being around and interacting with your spawn on a daily and constant basis. The up side to this is that as long as certain government educational standards are being met, you can teach them whatever you see fit. You can create a mini economy in your home where your happy children are your indentured servants for pennies on the dollar. The down side is literally everything else. Instead of having alone time when the kids would have gone to either a public or private schooling facility, they will stay home. With you. Instead of going out and having fun with your friends, you will be stuck grading or lesson planning or whatever else needs to happen in your own little school. This much time with the parent is also not so good for the child. They can become antisocial, under-developed, and downright unable to cope with modern society. There’s a reason the home schooled kids are often made fun of.

Whatever you decide, remember that it’s your kid. You have a say in what they learn and when they learn it. Don’t be afraid to insist on certain standards, regardless of which option you choose for your offspring’s education.

Education Ho!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How to Choose an Appropriate Name for Your Offspring

September 19, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Names are important. Names are what you carry with you through your entire life. You can’t escape them.

In the exciting and terrifying first weeks of finding out that you are going to be parents, one of the biggest topics is what you will call your spawn. New parents will read name books, credits of movies, and, sometimes, just start stringing random words together to come up with some moniker that sounds decent.

Well, if you are stuck for a name for your new podling, here are some guiding questions to help you decide:

1. Do the letters look good in caligraphy?

2. Are the letters mostly vowels, thereby allowing the sounds to roll off the tongue seamlessly?

3. Is it a famous name?

4. Do all the names come together in a glorious pun?

5. Do the initials stand for some popular acronym such as SMH or WTF?

6. Are there unnecessary letters?

7. Are there more than six parts to the names?

8. Will other kids mercilessly mock and make jokes about the name in the future?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, then congratulations! You have the name of your child. If you are still stuck with a few options, why choose? Mash those together into one name.

Happy Naming!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Never Lose Your Offspring; Microchip Your Little Monster

September 5, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

For as long as humans have been having children, they have been losing them. It’s quite sad really. The scenarios change depending on the situation. The kid runs away, the parents run away, or something equally tragic. You humans are the worst at keeping track of your offspring. They could be getting into trouble, or dead in a ditch somewhere, or eating something they shouldn’t. What if they are in mortal danger with some rabid snail about to devour their pinkie toe? You just don’t know.

The killer part of this whole thing is that the answer is so obvious, so blatantly clear! Microchip your monster!

You’ve probably already done this process to a family pet.

Let me stop right there to point out how messed up that is for a moment. You are more concerned with the whereabouts and safety of your animals than that of your own spawn. For shame.

For those not in the know, microchipping is the process where a small microchip is inserted into the neck of the victim. This microchip contains important contact information such as parental units phone numbers, address, known allergies, and, depending on how much space the microchip has, a detailed log of their diet and bodily rhythms. For an additional fee, you could even get GPS tracking along with the microchip so you can monitor your ankle biter from your new smart phone. Can’t even begin to tell you how useful this will be when your monster is a teenager.

Humans have made great strides in this technology. It’s time to use it and time to stop misplacing your spawn.

Be the wave of the future,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Puberty Part 3: Adjusting to Adolescence

August 29, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.

To be clear, it is the offspring that goes through puberty, not the parents, but the parents still have to deal with it. It’s the time where your cute, adorable offspring morph into irrational, ridiculous, terrors that are new teenagers. What should be a time of rejoicing (it signifies the near end to your 18 year responsibility) is really a time of frustration, attitude, and acne.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve described the several ways to spot the happening of puberty in both male and female spawn. This week’s blog of parental wisdom is about how to survive the change in one piece.

There is not a word in the human tongue that can accurately convey the sheer horror of this time in your species growth cycle. This is the tipping point where your offspring can go one of two ways, either down the path of righteousness and light or along the underbelly of civilization in utter darkness.

Remember that the kids won’t pay the slightest bit of attention to you during this time; they’ll be purely self-absorbed through this whole process so feel free to go all out and do what you have to do in order to survive.

1. Use indirect communication channels. The last thing you want to do is actually talk to your offspring during this fragile, yet volatile time. Hire someone to do it for you. Preferably some sort of unfeeling monster. Or a terminator.

2. Understand that your spawn will do anything and everything to push your boundaries and your limits. Once you accept that, it’s easier to imagine or guess what their next move will be.

3. Become more creative with your punishments for misbehavior. Remember, your spawn is extra sensitive about their changing appearance. Between that and their erratic emotions, you’ll have plenty of ammunition for creative punishments. Example: forbid them from using face wash or deodorant. If they can’t keep their room clean, then they should reflect that same slovenliness in their outward appearance.

4. Take this opportunity to take a vacation from parenting. Let your spawn figure out this puberty stuff on their own. It’ll be less intense if you only have to deal with the aftermath.

However you deal with the dreaded puberty, know that this terrible time will pass. When it does, you’ll be one step closer to the end of your 18 year sentence for procreation.

Is that a zit on your face?

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Puberty Part 2: Girl Spawn

August 22, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.

How will you know your little monster is going through “the change”? Never fear, I will be going through not only how to spot these changes in your spawn, but also on how to deal with them.

Last week we discussed the changes that occur in male offspring. Now, we are going to shed some light on the pubescence of girl spawn. While there are striking similarities between human female and male puberty, it would be a mistake to point that out to each of them. So, to avoid the sullen grudge-filled death glares, here is how to spot puberty in girls.

1. The most obvious change is the development of mammary glands. Usually this happens on the front of the chest.

2. Similarly to the boys, girls also start growing more body hair. While it isn’t as all-encompassing as the male body hair, it is noticeable.

3. In addition to growing more during puberty, girls often gain weight and their body changes shape. It’s not to the extent of being a shapeshifter, but it is close.

4. Like their male counterparts, girls also get acne, however they are more adept at camouflaging their blemishes with makeup.

5. Now, for the real difference; puberty is when girls learn how to bleed for days on end without dying. The exact mechanics of how this works is a complete mystery even to modern day science. To keep up this practice, girls must go through this event at least once a month for the next forty years or so. During their “time” it is best to keep down wind and off their radar as much as possible.

6. Along with the whole bleeding and not dying, naturally come mood swings. If you thought the ones with boys were bad, you haven’t seen nothing yet! Girls perfect mood swings to an art form. Puberty is when they learn this. You have been warned.

Now that we’ve gone over the signs of change for both parties, next week, we will discuss survival tactics that you can employ to ensure you make it out of puberty alive.

Proud Puberty Survivor,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Puberty Part 1: Boy Spawn

August 15, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.

How will you know your little monster is going through “the change”? Never fear, I will be going through not only how to spot these changes in your spawn, but also on how to deal with them.

First up though, how to spot puberty in your boy spawn.

1. Excretion of bodily fluids. Around this tender age, boys will start to leak in unexpected ways. Whether it be through copious amounts of sweat or nocturnal emissions, be prepared with lots of towels and fabric soap.

2. Oh the smell. Boys will start to stink. They won’t necessarily have to do anything to waft their newly formed noxious body odor. From what I can tell, they just have to be in the general area and their smell will knock you out. Arm yourself with lots of deodorant, spray air freshener, cologne, and nose plugs.

3. Body hair increases. Before you worry about your son becoming the legendary Bigfoot, understand that an abundance of body hair happens around puberty. How you suggest they handle it is up to you; teach them to shave or teach them to braid.

4. They grow... a lot. Puberty is the time of the most growth your child will ever do in their lifetime. They compensate for it by sleeping and eating a ridiculous amount. Between the hair and the sleeping patterns, it is easy to mistake your offspring for a bear. Don’t worry though, this is normal. If you are worried though, you can abandon them in the woods and let them wander home when they are through the worst of it.

5. This is the time where their voice cracks. Try not to laugh when it happens. It only enrages them.

6. Mood swings are a common occurrence. They will also have bouts of low self-esteem, aggression, depression, and insecurities, which, if you play your cards right, and know how to effectively use guilt (see previous blog post), you can make these emotions work for you.

Next week we will delve into the mysterious girl spawn and the signs of their pubescence.

Proud Puberty Survivor,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Talking To Your Teenager About Hallucinogens while Battling Narwhals On The Porch

August 1, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Drugs are everywhere. Legal, illegal, semi-legal and even some moderately legal. They are pretty easy to obtain as well. I bet in most cities every other person you run into is a drug dealer.

So how is a parent supposed to keep their offspring from partaking of drugs?

It’s easy. Don’t.

Seriously, don’t even bother trying to keep your kid off of the magic marshmallows or dank ferns or bath sponges or whatever they are calling it these days. If you do try, then the only natural thing your spawn will do is go out and immediately try all of them.

However, if you don’t give drugs any sort of attention around your ankle-biter, then they are less prone to paying attention to them, ergo the less drugs they do. There is still a chance they will take them up, though, so you must be vigilant.

The best way to make sure your offspring doesn’t die while on drugs is simple; do them with your kid. If there was ever a chance for bonding and to show off your own knowledge of one of the most utilized past-times on earth, this is your chance. You can be the example your kid needs.

Medicinally Yours,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How to Infect Your Spawn with Deadly Diseases So They Can Live

July 11, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

One of the biggest parenting controversies of this day and age is whether or not to vaccinate your offspring.

For those of you that don’t know what vaccines are (I’ll be honest, I had to look it up too), it is injecting babies with weakened versions of serious diseases so their tiny immune systems learn how to kill them. It’s like building up an immunity to iocane powder. Take a little bit at a time until your body can handle it.

There are two sides to this whole concept. Either you are for shooting up your child with science created magic disease water or you are willing to let millions of unvaccinated kids (as well as your own) die along the way.

Science has created an impressive amount of vaccines, such as for measles, mumps, the flu, polio, and scarlet fever to name a few. Some suspect that along with these lifesaving medicines, they have also inadvertently caused problems such as autism, Down syndrome, and gluten intolerance.

It goes without saying that you humans get quite impassioned about the subject. I’ve rarely seen anything more divisive in the parenting world.

So what is a conscientious parent supposed to do? It just so happens that there is a middle ground between two very extreme answers to the vaccine question. It’s something that has been done for centuries with mixed results.

Infect your child, but not by giving them shots of lab generated chemicals. Oh no. Infect them the way nature intended by exposing them to all sorts of ill people. Here on some tips on properly infecting your offspring:

1. Make them be around sick people— a lot. The more exposure they have to the ill, the more diseases they will contract and then become immune to.

2. Don’t let them wash their hands. Washing hands kills more germs than anything. If the goal is to infect them, best not to let them at the soap.

3. Take a trip to the CDC and snatch some of the more infectious diseases. Let’s face it, most people nowadays only get the flu on a regular basis. To make sure your child is vaccinated against the most deadly and infectious diseases, go right to the source and rub them all over the kid.

4. If the hospital or the CDC won’t let your little terror in with the super sick people, there is an alternative; let them play with biohazard waste. I’m not saying let them romp in the sewers, rather, let them fiddle with old band aids, used tissues, or cough rags from the infirm.

However you infect your child, be sure to give them plenty of time to build up those antibodies. It may also be a good idea to keep a cure for all the diseases, just in case your little walking snot rag is defective. Also, remember all of that hand sanitizer I suggested you get? Make sure you use it yourself while you are vaccinating!

Vaccinate!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Bribery for Behavior: Using Their Need for Parental Attention To Your Advantage

July 4, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

One of the reasons why parenting is so exhausting is the sheer amount of attention your rugrat requires. What’s worse is that they know you are obligated to pay them their attention and they use it every single chance they get.

However, this obvious weakness of theirs is by far one of the best weapons in parenting, if used correctly. While I am not saying completely abandon and neglect your spawn (not unless extreme measures are called for), I am saying if you teach your offspring that your attention is a reward delivered for certain behaviors, then they will pretty much mind you until they reach their teen aged years (and that is a whole separate battle).

Here’s how it works. When your mini human starts acting like an entitled monster, tell them they are being little horrors and then ignore them. And not just ignore them; blatantly remove yourself from their vicinity. Tell them that until they start acting like more civilized creatures, you don’t wish to be around them and then just get up and go. However long enough you keep this up is depending on the severity of their monstrosity and how much of a break you need from their constant yammering. Some parental units will leave their offspring for days or weeks at a time.

Now, some have raised the question of “what if they follow me?”. Simple. Tie them up THEN leave them. If you don’t have suitable ropes, duct tape will work in a pinch. You can even have a designated spot for your child when they are being ridiculous. This can be an oversized dog kennel or a bare, no-nonsense room.

Taking this approach will do one of two things to your spawn:

1. It will teach them what behaviors are acceptable and which are not. It will also terrify them into behaving for fear of losing your attention/ presence. This means they will behave more often than not.

2. Your child will also learn self-sufficiency and self- soothing which means that there will be less actual parenting for you to do.

On a side note, if you have more than one offspring, it may be beneficial to start giving one more attention than the other. Play favorites and make sure everyone knows. To keep them on their toes, switch up your favorite based on who is being good. This will up the sibling rivalry and make each of them strive for your approval even more.

Happy Parenting!

Azra

How Routine is Killing Your Kid

June 27, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

All of the parenting books these days make a big deal about getting your spawn on a routine. These misguided authors insist that kids need to do the same mindless tasks (like brushing their teeth, napping, bathing, making their beds, and eating) day in and day out. Supposedly this will help them build good, healthy habits that will last them until they are legally able to take responsibility for their own actions.

I cannot tell you how much I disagree with this tactic.

Routine is an enemy! It will lull your ankle biters into a false sense of security! When they are least expecting it, there will be no bed to make and their routine will be completely out the window. Your now adult spawn will be completely broken and not have the faintest idea of how to function. There will be whole asylums filled with sad, broken humans unable to cope without their pre-established routine.

Not to mention all of the bad habits that are out there, lurking, waiting for your offspring to fall into them. No, it is best to keep the little germ incubators away from habits and routine all together.

Now, we’ve already agreed that the point of parenting is to ensure the continuation of the human species. In order for that to happen, the generations to come must be adaptable. Routine is the opposite of adaptable.

So, how can we prevent our mini humans from falling into the false sense of security that is routine?

1. Make the very concept of habits as horrible as possible. Be creative in convincing that if your offspring should be so unlucky as to fall into a routine or develop a habit, they will expire in an incredibly gruesome way. Use images of robots or extinct animals to drive the point home.

2. Shake up daily activities by not doing anything at the same time. In fact, it’s best to disregard all notion of time. It is a social construct that is centered around building routine. Resist! Being random at all hours is one of the best defenses.

3. Reject any attempt to schedule your child. This includes schooling, play dates, and doctors’ appointments. If you can have walk-in appointments you can maintain a random lifestyle.

4. If you see your snot-eater starting a routine, stop it as soon as possible. This can mean depriving them of their habit tools (tooth brushes, washcloths, beds, watches, etc.), taking them on a spontaneous errand or trip, or even punishing them for their habit building.

Keep it random, fellow parental units!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Fostering Responsibility Part 2: The Importance of Pets

June 13, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Learning how to be responsible takes time and a lot of practice. What better way to get in that practice than providing your little snot machine a life form of their own to care for?

Giving underage humans some sort of pet in their formative years is a tradition honored across the globe among many different cultures. While the type of creature varies, the intent is the same: don’t let the thing die and or mistreat said thing. It’s not unlike humans who decide to procreate or those who choose to raise adopted offspring; it’s just a different species.

It’s important to match the correct type of creature with the right type of human. When mismatches happen, disaster soon follows. That’s why it is so important to go through a vetting process with any potential pet. Note: do not just ask your child what sort of animal they want. Their answers will be horrible and not at all the best suited animal.

The two best methods of discovering the right type of pet are:

· Consider what attributes your spawn lacks that an animal can teach or influence upon them. This goes hand in hand with knowing your child- a topic we’ve already covered previously. In this case, let’s say your little terror is short. Like miserably short. Get them an animal known for its height: the elegant giraffe. The kid will either develop an intense height complex or they will grow to match their pet. It’s a 50-50 chance here.

· Take your child on a spirit quest. Drugs are optional, though peyote does make the experience a bit more intense and resonating. On this spirit quest, they will encounter some sort of animal. Whatever it is they see on the spirit quest that should be their pet. They see a slug, get them a slug. A penguin, invest in a lot of ice or move to Antarctica. A lion, get a REALLY big ball of string. Spirit quests are the best guide for pets. It’s scientifically proven.

Remember, don’t cop out and “rescue” animals either. It is known that the more money you pay for something the better it is. Besides. Rescues implies someone didn’t want them before. Why would your kid want someone’s rejects?

Happy Spirit Questing,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

When to Let Your Kid Dress Themselves and How To Responsibly Avoid Them In Public

May 30, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Fashion is finicky. Clothing choices transform a lot for the human species. With garb drastically changing not only from culture to culture, but also time periods and human ages, it’s so hard to get it right.

As a parent, you are obligated to ensure your offspring is properly dressed. Or are you?

Consider this: allowing your spawn to decide in the manner they are dressed teaches self-sufficiency and boosts confidence. Which, if you have read my previous blogs on the subjects, are great things for your rug rat to have.

A good fashion sense takes years to develop, though in many cases, it doesn’t develop at all. That would be all well and good, except for one tiny thing. Society judges you on your appearance and nothing else.

So, for the sake of creating a self-sufficient and confident human, you are left with letting your undeveloped monster choose the striped tutu over the dinosaur costume with the mismatching cowboy boots and ugly sweater vest. Which would be fine except you have to be seen and associated with them.

What is a parent to do?

Avoid them. Avoid being seen with them until their sense of fashion either comes out of hiding or until it is socially acceptable for them to be in public by themselves. Here are a couple of tips:

· Keep them locked up and out of the public eye. This approach is what I like to call the Rapunzel tactic. It only works for so long before they want to be let out and your counter measures (locks, towers, vague threats of the outside world, etc) fail.

· Watch them from afar. Keep a certain amount of distance from your child while in public. When they call for you, look away and ignore them. Soon, they will learn not to address you when other people are within eyesight.

· Hire someone to be seen in public with your offspring. Depending on how much they charge, you can also have them dress like your child, thus absolving you of your public parental image. Problem solved.

Fashionably yours,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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