Coming of Age; Understanding When Your Parenting Job Is Done

January 30, 2018 Five Smiling Fish

Being a parent is a thankless job. You pour your blood, sweat, and tears into your spawn and surround them with fervent prayers that they turn out to be meaningful contributors to the human race. It seems that the work is never done. What many parents fail to realize is that there is, in fact, an end date to all this parenting torment! Believe it or not, it is when your child becomes, dare I say it? An adult.

Oh sure there’s all this hooey about how they will always be your little snot rag and how in your heart you will always worry if they are getting enough to eat. Bullshit. That is the parental guilt talking (yeah, it has a way of backfiring on those who use it.... beware).

The reality is this. Once your offspring becomes an adult, you are FREE! If you did things right, then your little monster can’t wait to become independent of you. That’s even better because it will make the transition period easier to deal with.

So really, the only question you should be asking is when does this magical age of adulting occur?

The answer is a little complicated and has to do with various cultural and societal norms in your location and time period. For example, many cultures believe that once a person reaches puberty, they are considered an adult. Others tend to go with what their government considers age of majority. That would be 18 in the US. To be safe, I’d average out what the government’s age of majority with your own cultural and or religious definition of adult is and then viola! There you have it, your end date to parenting!

What does it mean to be done with parenting? Well, it’s simple, really. You stop teaching them things. You make them be independent and make their own way in life. To test if they are ready, many cultures have what they consider a right of passage into adulthood where the person has to prove they are capable of taking care of themselves. If your culture doesn’t have anything like that, you can definitely make one up. Bonus points if you make it escape room style where you magically disappear at the end. At least for a little while.

Remember, parents. There is an end to all of this madness. Hang on just a little longer. You will soon be done with your contribution to your species!

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Where to Give Birth to Your Brood; Modern Day Options

November 7, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Nowadays there’s a big emphasis on where to give birth; either at home or a hospital. It wasn’t all that long ago that all births were home births, so this debate confuses me a bit. There are merits to both and there’s a surprising third option that I’ll delve into later on. For now, though, the basics of home birth and hospital birth.

Home Birth: the natural choice. Since pretty much the dawn of human existence, women have been giving birth to their spawn in their own dwellings. The perks are that they are somewhere comfortable for what has, historically, been an intense, life or death process. Creature comforts at home are proven to make the pain a little more bearable. Plus humans do that nesting thing when they are expecting. It has to be for a reason. The biggest up side to home birth is that you can do it however you want. Meaning, if you want to have your entire family witness this miraculous moment of blood and gore, you can do that! If you want to make a party of the whole thing, you can do that too! Want to give birth to your spawn in water? Sure, why else did you get a pool? Want to listen to the sounds of the Serengeti at sunset as you push another human out of you? Load up your ipod and turn up your sound bar. Really, the home option is the best one for full customization of the birthing experience.

Hospital Birth: the modern option. Hospitals are currently thought to be the best place to have a baby. After all, they have doctors, nurses, and, most importantly, super powerful drugs that can get you through the whole delivery thing without feeling a thing. It’s also handy to be in a central medical facility in the event something goes wrong with the delivery; they will have the resources to help. There is one major down side to hospitals, though. That is the price of them. It can cost thousands of dollars to give birth to your offspring in one of these facilities.

Last but not least, one of the more underutilized and highly unique options as far as giving birth: Disneyland. Or, if not the great mouse utopia, why not another theme park? Or national monument? Really, you can choose your favorite spot on earth to bring forth new life. And why not? Why should you be confined to either your home or a medical facility? Giving birth is one of the most natural things in the world. It should be celebrated! It should be known and witnessed by the whole of humanity. And preferably on the best roller coaster around.

Remember to Breathe,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Public School vs. Private School vs. Home School: The Best Way To Train Your Rug Rat

September 26, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

In most modern first world countries, there is a huge debate on schools. Specifically what kind of schools are the best to train your spawn in subjects that have very little to do with real life scenarios. I like to think of them as hypothetical training camps for non-effectual humans. Really, schools do very little to actually prepare your offspring for real life. But, if you insist on following the rules of the government and making your kid be subjected to the regime approved curriculum, here are some things you need to know about your options.

Public School: This is the most common option utilized by the masses. Public schools are subject to government regulations and approvals. The teachers are paid (poorly) by state and federal taxes. This means they are government agents and should not, I repeat, should NOT be trusted. Anything they tell your child is most likely being recorded and is heavily scripted. (however, you pay taxes, so that would make the government YOUR employee, and, de facto, the teachers as well... Something to consider there). Children in public schools must go at the pace of the slowest learner. This means if your offspring is quick on the uptake, they will get bored rather quickly. Public school is also a place for every one of all walks of life to send their spawn. This means your goober will be exposed to varied influences ranging from “oh, that’s nice,” to “for the love of everything sacred, why would you do that?!” Your child would be able to pick up any range of habits based on their school mates. Public school is a role of the dice.

Private Schools: While not run by the government, they still have to adhere to the state standards for most subjects. They can choose not to teach certain things, but usually this is linked to some sort of religion. Just because they are not sanctioned by the currently ruling regime does not mean they are much better for your rugrat. Instead, you will have someone’s personally held beliefs presented as hard facts. Teachers are typically paid more to care in private schools, but not by much. They do offer a sort of predictable quality in their attendees, though. Usually those who get in are part of a pre-established group (e.g. Catholics). This, I have found, can have a limiting impact on your offspring, making them snooty or smug or any other s- word. Oh, and tuition into private schools is often a LOT more than public school. Ostensibly, it is to pay the teachers more to care, but there is no empirical evidence for that.

Home School: Ah, the DIY of schooling. If you are unsatisfied with the above two options, you can choose to teach your spawn yourself. This would mean hours of lesson planning, research, course guides, disguising chores as assignments, grading, and actually being around and interacting with your spawn on a daily and constant basis. The up side to this is that as long as certain government educational standards are being met, you can teach them whatever you see fit. You can create a mini economy in your home where your happy children are your indentured servants for pennies on the dollar. The down side is literally everything else. Instead of having alone time when the kids would have gone to either a public or private schooling facility, they will stay home. With you. Instead of going out and having fun with your friends, you will be stuck grading or lesson planning or whatever else needs to happen in your own little school. This much time with the parent is also not so good for the child. They can become antisocial, under-developed, and downright unable to cope with modern society. There’s a reason the home schooled kids are often made fun of.

Whatever you decide, remember that it’s your kid. You have a say in what they learn and when they learn it. Don’t be afraid to insist on certain standards, regardless of which option you choose for your offspring’s education.

Education Ho!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Dining Out with Your Offspring; A Manifesto for Appetizers

September 12, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Generally, other humans don’t like being around other people’s screaming offspring. Never has this been more obvious than when parents take their spawn out to eat in public. Ever so subtly, young families are shuffled off to the corners, often with other families with young ones. Sometimes they are even shamed out of the buildings. I’ve seen it happen over and over again.

Parents, why do you let this happen? Just because you have small offspring that tend to scream at the slightest little thing and throw food at unsuspecting strangers doesn’t mean you should be shunned. Everyone needs to eat.

Consider this a battle cry, my fellow parental figures! Take back your local restaurants and eateries! No longer allow yourself to be driven away from nourishment because of the actions of your little poop machine. Here are some steps you can take to reclaim your place at the communal table.

1. Don’t allow you and your spawn to be seated in the corner or the back. Insist on an up-front table or, to make a bigger point, the bar. You may have to ask for a specific seat, and be insistent. Those hostesses can be sneaky. Case out the joint first and determine where the most customers are seated.

2. Don’t bend over backwards to make your offspring behave. I’ve seen parents bring snacks and toys and newfangled technology to the table all in vain effort to make their little terror behave. None of it works for long on account of their gnat-like attention span. My advice? Don’t even try. Let them rage, let them throw food. They are a good reminder of the lasting consequences of not using birth control.

3. If anyone looks at you and your spawn sideways, remind them loudly that they too were once screaming poop machines that people tried to shun. Judge not, and all. I recommend bringing a megaphone so the whole restaurant can hear you. If you make an example out of one, it will cut down on the amount of people attempting to shame you.

United we shall dine!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How Routine is Killing Your Kid

June 27, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

All of the parenting books these days make a big deal about getting your spawn on a routine. These misguided authors insist that kids need to do the same mindless tasks (like brushing their teeth, napping, bathing, making their beds, and eating) day in and day out. Supposedly this will help them build good, healthy habits that will last them until they are legally able to take responsibility for their own actions.

I cannot tell you how much I disagree with this tactic.

Routine is an enemy! It will lull your ankle biters into a false sense of security! When they are least expecting it, there will be no bed to make and their routine will be completely out the window. Your now adult spawn will be completely broken and not have the faintest idea of how to function. There will be whole asylums filled with sad, broken humans unable to cope without their pre-established routine.

Not to mention all of the bad habits that are out there, lurking, waiting for your offspring to fall into them. No, it is best to keep the little germ incubators away from habits and routine all together.

Now, we’ve already agreed that the point of parenting is to ensure the continuation of the human species. In order for that to happen, the generations to come must be adaptable. Routine is the opposite of adaptable.

So, how can we prevent our mini humans from falling into the false sense of security that is routine?

1. Make the very concept of habits as horrible as possible. Be creative in convincing that if your offspring should be so unlucky as to fall into a routine or develop a habit, they will expire in an incredibly gruesome way. Use images of robots or extinct animals to drive the point home.

2. Shake up daily activities by not doing anything at the same time. In fact, it’s best to disregard all notion of time. It is a social construct that is centered around building routine. Resist! Being random at all hours is one of the best defenses.

3. Reject any attempt to schedule your child. This includes schooling, play dates, and doctors’ appointments. If you can have walk-in appointments you can maintain a random lifestyle.

4. If you see your snot-eater starting a routine, stop it as soon as possible. This can mean depriving them of their habit tools (tooth brushes, washcloths, beds, watches, etc.), taking them on a spontaneous errand or trip, or even punishing them for their habit building.

Keep it random, fellow parental units!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Know Your Kid: Step 1 In the Prevention of Super Villains

April 11, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Sun Tzu once paraphrased the term “Know Thine Enemy” in his bestselling novel The Art of War. It’s a very sage piece of advice. I’m not saying outright that your rugrat is the enemy, all I’m saying is that it is best to be prepared for all eventualities. Super villains happen and if you’re not careful, your kid could end up as one of them.

Understanding how your little terror thinks and how they will react in certain situations is key to not only controlling them, but knowing which side of the good/evil coin they fall on. There’s an added bonus of your mini-you being easier to get along with as long as you are pulling the strings. Not to mention it will get you the fast track to Super Hero status if your spawn turned out to be one of the 37% of humans that are evil.

Really, let’s be honest, this is about the Super Hero status.

So, how do you get to know your offspring to the point of being able to predict their actions and thought processes?

Never fear, newbie parents! I shall teach you.

· Spy on them. In today’s world of technology, it is a simple thing to set up cameras to watch your youngling’s every move. With how discreet they are, there’s no way the kid will even know you’re watching.

· Ask them personal questions, preferably when they aren’t prepared for them. You’ll get a more honest answer when you wake them up at 2 a.m. than you would during a normal conversation in the day.

· Have a cadre of informants that observe your offspring. Ideally, these would be people that have daily contact with your child. It could be the owner of the shop they stop in on the way to school, the parent helper in the classroom, even the homeless guy wandering the neighborhood. For a small bribe, anyone can be your eyes.

· Constantly test your child for their evil quotient. There are various ways of doing this, the most obvious and common is purposefully putting your child in situations that are morally ambiguous. Like planting wallet in the middle of their path or having a stranger ask for assistance. Record what they do and refer back often. Sometimes you may need to repeat the test when your child is in different moods.

· Along with testing for their evil quotient, also test them for their weaknesses. How long can they hold their breath? Do they have an allergy to certain bugs or plants? How electrically conducive are they? All are valid questions when it comes to knowing what will take them out should the time come.

Remember to start early these things early. The older your little monster gets, the more closed off and devious they become. If you begin these practices at infancy, they won’t realize just how much they give away and their super villain tendencies will be revealed sooner rather than later.

Keep your capes handy!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Potty Training. Why Fight Human Nature?

February 14, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Potty training is the worst. Thank goodness I've never had to do that. When I got my nephew, he was already past that stage. Still, it is a topic that creates a lot of controversy. Should you? Shouldn't you? If not, then how soon can you teach the child to change themselves? If so, is it morally right to train a living thing to poop on command? I mean, sure that could be useful as a prank and in certain battle situations, but is it right?

Then there is when to start the process. How old is considered old enough to control the inner workings of their bowels?

The reality of it is this. Kids are, in general, a mess of bodily fluids any way. Hell, that's just the human condition. It can't be helped. So the question then becomes, why fight it?

Here are some alternatives to dealing with the whole potty training thing.

1. Litter or paper training- sure it's still training, and you'd have to clean it up, but this option is more conducive to the inherent human condition. Just be sure to get enough newspaper subscriptions for your floor plan.

2. Let your child live with wild animals. Few creatures get the potty training thing like wild ones. Sometimes modern technology interferes with natural instincts. If your child spends enough time in the wild, you won't have to worry about the porcelain throne at all! He will successfully cover his excrement like any good wolf pup.

3. If you must potty train, consider hiring someone to do the dirty work for you. However, this can be expensive as few are properly trained in biohazard waste management. Believe me, you don't want to skim the credentials on this one. You may also need additional insurance- check with your provider.

4. Consider colostomy bags for your little poop machine. No training required and it's a simple clip on and forget about it.

There are other options, of course, but few that generate the desired effect without permanently harming your child. This list will at least give you a new option to consider; avoid the controversy and choose not to potty train.

Happy pooping!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

So You’ve Decided to Procreate: Arming Yourself for Parenthood

January 31, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Congratulations on doing your part to contribute to the perpetuation of the human race! What you are about to do is no small feat. It required incredible sacrifices in time, social skills, mental and physical health, money, and any other aspirations you had for your time here on earth. Your offspring and their well-being is now your entire life. It’s existence is completely dependent on you.

Don’t fuck up.

Luckily, you have me to help guide you on this path of procreation.

First thing is first; you’ve gotta arm yourself for the coming of the squalling, pooping, vomiting, drool machine that you are growing inside of you. Sure, you’ve probably already filled out your baby registry for all of the things that the mini human needs, but what about you? Parenthood is a decades long battle and it’s important to have the right weapons. Here is a short list of essential tools to help get you through some of the worst years parenting has to offer you:

1. Invest in a high quality pair of noise canceling headphones. Your newly hatched banshee is going to scream. A lot. You’re going to need your hearing when your child evolves into the sneaky teenager, so protect it now. Don’t skimp on these.

2. Get disinfectant by the metric ton. Children are rife with germs and diseases, cooties, being the prime example. For those of you that aren’t aware, Cooties are a mysterious childhood illness that impacts their social standing. Other children can detect the presence of Cooties, but for some reason, adults cannot. Don’t take the risk of your child being infected. Every time they move, it is smart to wipe them down with the disinfectant of your choice.

3. Obtain a shock collar. This should be an adjustable one since, as your offspring grows, it will be comfortable and non-restricting. The shock collar is the perfect tool to shut your kid up when they are throwing a tantrum or when they are saying things they shouldn’t in mixed company. It’s even effective on those smarmy teenagers! If they work for dogs, they should work for kids. Don’t forget to test out the strength of the shock. Some children have higher tolerances than others. If you find one with a control button, that is even better.

4. Treat yourself to a biohazard containment suit. This will keep all the ick that your offspring spews off of you as well as completely mortify them if you wear it with them in public. Dual functionality!

5. Consider getting a top of the line video surveillance system. While it can be used for home protection, it is far more useful for the gathering of blackmail evidence of your kid (more on this later). Be sure to get the night vision option and put in a discreet hiding place.

While this is in no way a comprehensive weapons list, it will get you started and thinking like a parent should; as if you are preparing for war.

All the best in battle planning!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Raising Your Offspring; Why I’m The Only Expert You Should Listen To

January 24, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

It’s the age of information and as such, there is a ton of parenting advice on this interwebs thing. While it may seem like a good idea to follow all of these recommendations, let me be the first to say:

Don’t do it.

Don’t take parenting advice from strangers online! You don’t know where they’ve been or what their real agenda is. They could be secret agents out to create the next super villain and your kid could be their unwitting puppet.

I know what you are thinking. “But Azra, You’re a stranger and you’re online. Why should we listen to you?”

I’ll tell you why, newbie parent.

Parental units don’t need new and improved ways of raising their little tyrants. They need the tried and true methods of the past to ensure their offspring are the winners of the game called life (not that board game where everyone gets a car— the bigger, higher stakes extravaganza where losing means dying— game).

I am one of the few creatures on earth that can give not only a historically accurate advice on the matter of raising mini humans, but also a completely objective view. I say objective for a couple of reasons:

1. I am not, in fact, a human. I’m an angel— a Grigori to be more specific. One of the many reasons I was created was to help humans. While child rearing was not my original forte, I consider my time on earth watching the generations of man slip by a more than good enough resume.

2. I do not, nor have I ever, had any kids. Besides the whole “angels don’t have kids” theory (which is a complete lie!), I just never found that certain someone to have my mixed DNA clone with. This ensures that I am not biased because of how I may have raised any offspring.

3. I did have a hand in making sure my nephew, Ryan, grew up. He’s not human either, but that does give me more of an advantage since we had to pretend that we were. Because we were always on the move, I never committed to any one parenting style, choosing instead to remain fluid and flexible.

The sole purpose of me standing on this interwebs soapbox is to help you silly humans guarantee the future of your entire race and that it isn’t completely ruined by some online hack.

Also, I have a bet going with Ryan.

So what do you say? Shall we explore the wonderful world of parenting together?

Looking forward to lecturing you,

Azra

* Disclaimer* Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note* Any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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