How to Infect Your Spawn with Deadly Diseases So They Can Live

July 11, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

One of the biggest parenting controversies of this day and age is whether or not to vaccinate your offspring.

For those of you that don’t know what vaccines are (I’ll be honest, I had to look it up too), it is injecting babies with weakened versions of serious diseases so their tiny immune systems learn how to kill them. It’s like building up an immunity to iocane powder. Take a little bit at a time until your body can handle it.

There are two sides to this whole concept. Either you are for shooting up your child with science created magic disease water or you are willing to let millions of unvaccinated kids (as well as your own) die along the way.

Science has created an impressive amount of vaccines, such as for measles, mumps, the flu, polio, and scarlet fever to name a few. Some suspect that along with these lifesaving medicines, they have also inadvertently caused problems such as autism, Down syndrome, and gluten intolerance.

It goes without saying that you humans get quite impassioned about the subject. I’ve rarely seen anything more divisive in the parenting world.

So what is a conscientious parent supposed to do? It just so happens that there is a middle ground between two very extreme answers to the vaccine question. It’s something that has been done for centuries with mixed results.

Infect your child, but not by giving them shots of lab generated chemicals. Oh no. Infect them the way nature intended by exposing them to all sorts of ill people. Here on some tips on properly infecting your offspring:

1. Make them be around sick people— a lot. The more exposure they have to the ill, the more diseases they will contract and then become immune to.

2. Don’t let them wash their hands. Washing hands kills more germs than anything. If the goal is to infect them, best not to let them at the soap.

3. Take a trip to the CDC and snatch some of the more infectious diseases. Let’s face it, most people nowadays only get the flu on a regular basis. To make sure your child is vaccinated against the most deadly and infectious diseases, go right to the source and rub them all over the kid.

4. If the hospital or the CDC won’t let your little terror in with the super sick people, there is an alternative; let them play with biohazard waste. I’m not saying let them romp in the sewers, rather, let them fiddle with old band aids, used tissues, or cough rags from the infirm.

However you infect your child, be sure to give them plenty of time to build up those antibodies. It may also be a good idea to keep a cure for all the diseases, just in case your little walking snot rag is defective. Also, remember all of that hand sanitizer I suggested you get? Make sure you use it yourself while you are vaccinating!

Vaccinate!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How Routine is Killing Your Kid

June 27, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

All of the parenting books these days make a big deal about getting your spawn on a routine. These misguided authors insist that kids need to do the same mindless tasks (like brushing their teeth, napping, bathing, making their beds, and eating) day in and day out. Supposedly this will help them build good, healthy habits that will last them until they are legally able to take responsibility for their own actions.

I cannot tell you how much I disagree with this tactic.

Routine is an enemy! It will lull your ankle biters into a false sense of security! When they are least expecting it, there will be no bed to make and their routine will be completely out the window. Your now adult spawn will be completely broken and not have the faintest idea of how to function. There will be whole asylums filled with sad, broken humans unable to cope without their pre-established routine.

Not to mention all of the bad habits that are out there, lurking, waiting for your offspring to fall into them. No, it is best to keep the little germ incubators away from habits and routine all together.

Now, we’ve already agreed that the point of parenting is to ensure the continuation of the human species. In order for that to happen, the generations to come must be adaptable. Routine is the opposite of adaptable.

So, how can we prevent our mini humans from falling into the false sense of security that is routine?

1. Make the very concept of habits as horrible as possible. Be creative in convincing that if your offspring should be so unlucky as to fall into a routine or develop a habit, they will expire in an incredibly gruesome way. Use images of robots or extinct animals to drive the point home.

2. Shake up daily activities by not doing anything at the same time. In fact, it’s best to disregard all notion of time. It is a social construct that is centered around building routine. Resist! Being random at all hours is one of the best defenses.

3. Reject any attempt to schedule your child. This includes schooling, play dates, and doctors’ appointments. If you can have walk-in appointments you can maintain a random lifestyle.

4. If you see your snot-eater starting a routine, stop it as soon as possible. This can mean depriving them of their habit tools (tooth brushes, washcloths, beds, watches, etc.), taking them on a spontaneous errand or trip, or even punishing them for their habit building.

Keep it random, fellow parental units!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Family Portraits: To Theme or Not to Theme

June 6, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

One of the biggest perks of being a parental figure is the ability to make your spawn dress up in specific ways in order to document the growth of your family unit. I am talking, of course, about the time honored tradition of family photos.

For those of you not in the know, family photos became a thing once photography really took off. Before that, it was only the rich people who could afford an artist to come and paint them (and what a horrendously boring time that was! All the interesting poses were too hard to maintain. That’s why old portraits are so dour looking).

The fun part about family portraits is the ability to make it seem that you and your offspring (however many there are) are succeeding at life. After all, the family portrait is how the success or failure of your family unit is judged. They are the cornerstone of all small talk with other humans. They are proof that you are one of them and that you have bred. These are the images with which you decorate your home, your office, your wallet, your desk, and, if you can get the photo made in to a vinyl decal, your vehicle. Therefore, it is absolutely vital that these yearly images are of the highest quality and themed appropriately.

Yes, themes are definitely the way to go. It guarantees your photo will look classy and that your offspring are obviously yours because of the matching pastel jumpers you are all wearing. Decide on a theme as early as possible. I have a running list of themes for years to come. This way, I can prepare realistic props and costumes well in advance (this is a budgetary lifesaver!). Whatever you decide, go all out. Simply matching shirts is not going to cut it. The other humans will sense your insincerity for this ritual and shun you for it. Don’t half ass your family portrait because it will show and your perceived success/fail score will suffer for it.

Here are a few common themes that will get your family started on the path to family portrait success.

· The Old West: for when history and the economy are important to you and your spawn. Little Jimmy can be a sheriff, little Alice can be a saloon girl, you can be the old crotchety prospector . . . you get my drift. Bonus points for locating a mining town and having the portraits taken there. Be careful of which locals manage to make it in the shot, though. They may be ghosts.

· Music Moguls: for when you want to show off what riches you (don’t) have. For this one, do your research and watch as much MTV as possible. Wear absolutely impractical outfits with lots of fur, feathers, gold, and shiny things. Have stacks of money ready to “rain” down on you and your offspring for the best effect. If you can somehow show autotune in your portrait, bonus points.

· Country Club Sell Outs: this is a classic configuration that is meant to convey old, established wealth and stature. Everyone should have white sweaters draped over their pastel polo shirts and skorts. Decoratively arrange tennis rackets and tennis balls around the family. Action shots are encouraged, but notoriously difficult to pull off.

· Outdoors Fun: for proof that your family can survive anything. The preferred look is camouflage and face paint. If you can identify the family members from the surroundings, they aren’t really that good at it, are they?

There are millions of other ideas, so don’t feel limited by this list. Remember. A picture is worth a thousand words so make your family portrait use all of them.

Say Cheese!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Controlling Your Child Part 2: Parental Guilt; The Double Edge Sword

May 16, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

The key to being a success at parenting is knowing how to control your offspring. There are several effective methods of control and we will, over time, explore many of those throughout this blog series.

Today, we are going to discuss the mother of all controlling mechanisms. It’s the time honored, most effective means of making your kid do what you want- Parental Guilt.

If you are a human and had parents, it is likely that you have been a victim of parental guilt and you have done something you didn’t really want to do because your parental unit made you feel terrible until you did it. The Guilt is a masterful stroke of childrearing. The best part is that it’s a universal tool for controlling your child. No matter what the situation, the Guilt can be used to make it go your way.

Learning how to execute the Guilt is a whole other ballgame than being the recipient of it. Now, since I am neither human, nor had a parental figure micromanage me enough to try the Guilt, all of the tips I am about to dispense are from my years of observing human interaction. You humans are ingenious for thinking up such a tactic as the Guilt. I salute you.

1. The best instances of the Guilt are when the victim doesn’t even realize there is a guilt trip happening. The insinuations are so subtle and the guilt so pervasive that it almost seems like it is the victims make up their minds themselves. To achieve this is truly an art form. You have to be subtle. You have to be crafty and not make it fully apparent the thing you want your victim to do. You have to make it seem like it was their own idea. This level of ingenuity is usually attained the older the human gets. Grandmothers are the masters.

2. The shame motivated Guilt. This is one of the more easily achieved forms of parental guilt, though it does require the victim to be a little older so that they “know better”. Usually that is the key phrase to evoke the trip: “You know better than that.” If you add in a disappointed face or a strategically placed tsk, it really adds to it.

3. Making it all about you. More specifically, making the choices your offspring make directly affect you, even if they don’t. This is the classic form of parental guilt. Example: “How could you do this to me? You know that everything you do is a direct reflection on me! Why do you want to treat your family in such a way?”

4. The silent guilt. This is perfected when all you have to do is give your offspring a certain look. the hardest part is to maintain your silence, though, depending on the verbiage you use, it can help your case. Refuting your obvious upsetness and also stating over and over again, “I’m not saying anything.”

If you want to get ambitious, you can also combine these techniques to customize the parental guilt experience for your spawn. Just be careful; kids are quick and they will use your own techniques against you. Be prepared to battle as much as you dish out.

Remember, if it isn’t going to cost hundreds in thousands of dollars in therapy for your offspring later on, you’re not doing it right.

Happy Guilt Tripping!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Age Isn’t Everything: How Annual Survival Parties Harm Your Offspring

April 25, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

I’ve noticed that humans have a tendency to make a big deal about their spawn surviving another year. Like clockwork, parents will gather everyone they know in either someone’s home or at that strange pizza restaurant with an arcade and animatronic rats or bears or whatever. A curious ritual then takes place. All of these people share a meal of cardboard-like pizza before sacrificing a cake by lighting it on fire. After that, the celebrant in question opens presents, or what I call survival bribes, while everyone watches and takes pictures.

Now, all of this is fine and dandy. Every species has their own habits and rituals. The part that confuses me though is this: after a certain number of revolutions around the sun, humans stop making a big deal about surviving. For all the attention they once gave to getting older, they suddenly pretend they aren’t. In fact, they will actively begin trying NOT to age.

It’s a conundrum I just can’t wrap my head around.

What does this have to do with your ankle biter? Well? In the interest of not having them go through a vicious mid-life crisis when they’ve hit the point of age denial, I propose something both obvious and radical.

Stop. Celebrating. Birthdays. Better yet, stop acknowledging age in number of years. If that happens, then you humans wouldn’t be so damn preoccupied with how long you’ve been on the earth and how to look nothing like your years.

As an added bonus, think of all the hours you’d get back by not hanging out in mouse-infested pizza joints that are lousy with slot machines geared to kids.

But keep the cake part. The cake part is good.

A very merry un-birthday,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Controlling Your Child Part 1: Voodoo, Witch Doctors & Their Place In Parenting

April 18, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Right now, though, we are here to discuss the benefits of a little something I like to call Voodoo and the Witch doctors that practice it. Voodoo is a real, viable manner in which to control your little monster. One of their hallmark moves is mind control so that the controlled person is more or less a zombie bending to your will.

Now, angels have the ability to do this already (what, do you think they can possess humans only if they are demons? Please. Demons are angels. More on that later.), but humans being able to mind control each other is a massive breakthrough. It is in your best interest to use all tools available to you if you want to succeed as a parent.

Don’t know the first thing about creating a Voodoo zombie? That’s alright. I’ve got some awesome tips to help you along your zombifying way.

· Don’t know where to start? Your friendly neighborhood Witch Doctor can help you out. While each Witch Doctor is different, they are all attracted to the infamous song “Witch Doctor”. You know it; the one that goes “Oo ee oo ah ah, ching chang walla walla bing bang.” Preferably use the chipmunk version. They will be drawn to you like ants to sugar.

· Your Witch Doctor will give you a list of ingredients to come up with if you want your spell. I cannot stress enough how you should get EXACTLY what they want. If you cut corners on your zombie ingredients, you will get a sub-par hold on the mind of your little ankle biter. That is no fun for anyone and would most likely be the origination of the zombie apocalypse. Don’t be that asshole.

· When you do have mental control over your offspring, practice first. You don’t want to go out in public and have your hold slip. That would be bigger than the tantrum you were trying to prevent in the first place.

· Sometimes your spawn will know you’ve been mucking about in their head. If they catch on, you can use it as an effective deterrent to bad behavior without having to resort to the Voodoo spell. Example: “No, Timmy, you cannot bathe in the glitter glue. Don’t ask again or I will Voodoo zombie you so fast your head will spin.”

· Be sure your little terror doesn’t bite anyone while they are under the influence. I understand Voodoo zombies are not the same as Walking Dead zombies, but better safe than sorry. Again. Don’t be that asshole.

Happy Head Shrinking!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Know Your Kid: Step 1 In the Prevention of Super Villains

April 11, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Sun Tzu once paraphrased the term “Know Thine Enemy” in his bestselling novel The Art of War. It’s a very sage piece of advice. I’m not saying outright that your rugrat is the enemy, all I’m saying is that it is best to be prepared for all eventualities. Super villains happen and if you’re not careful, your kid could end up as one of them.

Understanding how your little terror thinks and how they will react in certain situations is key to not only controlling them, but knowing which side of the good/evil coin they fall on. There’s an added bonus of your mini-you being easier to get along with as long as you are pulling the strings. Not to mention it will get you the fast track to Super Hero status if your spawn turned out to be one of the 37% of humans that are evil.

Really, let’s be honest, this is about the Super Hero status.

So, how do you get to know your offspring to the point of being able to predict their actions and thought processes?

Never fear, newbie parents! I shall teach you.

· Spy on them. In today’s world of technology, it is a simple thing to set up cameras to watch your youngling’s every move. With how discreet they are, there’s no way the kid will even know you’re watching.

· Ask them personal questions, preferably when they aren’t prepared for them. You’ll get a more honest answer when you wake them up at 2 a.m. than you would during a normal conversation in the day.

· Have a cadre of informants that observe your offspring. Ideally, these would be people that have daily contact with your child. It could be the owner of the shop they stop in on the way to school, the parent helper in the classroom, even the homeless guy wandering the neighborhood. For a small bribe, anyone can be your eyes.

· Constantly test your child for their evil quotient. There are various ways of doing this, the most obvious and common is purposefully putting your child in situations that are morally ambiguous. Like planting wallet in the middle of their path or having a stranger ask for assistance. Record what they do and refer back often. Sometimes you may need to repeat the test when your child is in different moods.

· Along with testing for their evil quotient, also test them for their weaknesses. How long can they hold their breath? Do they have an allergy to certain bugs or plants? How electrically conducive are they? All are valid questions when it comes to knowing what will take them out should the time come.

Remember to start early these things early. The older your little monster gets, the more closed off and devious they become. If you begin these practices at infancy, they won’t realize just how much they give away and their super villain tendencies will be revealed sooner rather than later.

Keep your capes handy!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Conformity over Autonomy: What To Do If Your Kid Is The Weird One

March 21, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Not many creatures on earth tolerate differences in their own species. For instance, white ravens are often killed by their dark-feathered brethren, all because of the color of their plumage!

Humans are just as vicious, if not more cruel. Differences between humans are seen as weakness. They will either kill or ostracize the ones that don’t fit in.

Which is why it is absolutely vital that your offspring fit in with the other human spawn. Remember, if they do, then, unlike the poor white ravens, your pint sized person will not be pecked to death or worse! Not fitting in could mean that they will never find a mate and become a burden on their fellow humans without actively perpetuating the human race.

If your child survives into adulthood and adds its own spawn to the species, you win the game!

The ideology of conformity over autonomy begins with you: the parental figure. Here are some tips to help you stamp out any attempt your child makes towards individualism.

1. Aim for Average. Overachievers and underachievers alike draw attention to themselves. If you reinforce that average is the way to go in studies, sports, in life, it will keep your little animal firmly in the middle of the pack. It’ll also have the added bonus of not putting undue pressure to achieve on them or on you.

2. Teach them from a young age that being different is bad and if they are different, they should be ashamed. This will keep them focused on fitting in.

3. Friends. This is a tricky one. Friends should make your child feel like they belong, however, they do have the unfortunate side effect of influencing your little blank slate. Be sure whatever friends your offspring manages to attract embody the essence of average and don’t stand out. If you can remember their names and what they look like, they are not average enough.

Remember- Conformity. It’s for their own good.

Stay mediocre, my friends.

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Is It Childproofing Or Just Removing Consequences?

March 14, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

As a parent, you are naturally concerned for your kid’s well-being. You want them to be safe. Many parents take the safety thing to an unhealthy level by locking up or securing basic items in their homes such as cabinets, light sockets, even toilets! Modern manufacturers have caught onto this trend and have jumped on the bandwagon themselves by making certain consumables and sundries impossible to open.

My question is why? Not only does childproofing your living space complicate adult lives unnecessarily, it prevents your little snot tornado from learning that actions have consequences. That latter part has the potential for catastrophic outcomes. If your offspring doesn’t learn about consequences, then it will impact their ability to adapt, their integrity will be nonexistent, their entitlement will be through the roof. In short, they will grow into entitled brats that no one will want to be around. This means the chances of them fulfilling their purpose of continuing the species is severely compromised.

“But Azra, if they got into bleach it could kill my child wouldn’t that also compromise their purpose on earth?”

The answer to that is both yes and no. Yes, if your mini-you got into the household cleaners and drank enough of it you would, in fact, fail at parenting. No, because as far as them contributing to the survival of the species, well? They drank bleach. At that point, it is natural selection and it is better they didn’t reproduce.

My point is, by childproofing the world to keep your rugrat safe, you are really doing more harm than good. Sheltering your kid from the world is not going to let them operate well in it.

My advice is to let them get into things. Let them explore. Let them experience the consequences of their actions first hand. I promise they will be much more interesting as adults if they are missing limbs.

Live dangerously!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Poisoning Your Offspring the Right Way: Nutrition for Modern Times

March 7, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

There is one major tell that indicates exactly where you are in your parenting journey and that is what you feed your spawn.

A trend over the last few decades is for new parents to focus on whole, organic, non-processed foods as the only source of nutrition for their little garbage disposals.

I cannot stress enough how misinformed and just plain wrong that approach is.

Thankfully, it seems that the more offspring parents have, the more they come to their senses and stop feeding their children “healthy” options.

It’s simple, people. If all you expose your progeny to is organic, non-modified food, they will have absolutely no way to cope with the imminent threats of climate change and the ever pervasive chemical farming techniques that are influencing the food supply. If they can’t adapt to the changing environment, they will die and then you lose at parenting. We don’t want losers— just winners.

The idea is poison them early and often.

So, how can a concerned parent achieve this when they are constantly bombarded with “healthy choices”? It takes dedication and perseverance, but here are some tips to help your mini you survive the impending destruction of the world.

1. Understand healthy buzzwords so you can avoid them. These words include but are not limited to: healthy, smart, choice, light, alternative, free, whole, organic, fresh, real, non-fat, all natural, non GMO, and free range.

2. Make sure your food has a label and read them. The key here is the more ingredients the better. Each food option should have at least 10 ingredients, bonus points if most of those ingredients are unpronounceable.

3. Fast food is an underrated option for making sure your little one is chemically up to par with the changing times. Aim for hitting up the fried, pink slime burgers at least once a day.

4. Always choose pre-packaged over making things from scratch. If you are into the whole cooking thing, consider instead of dicing and peeling those potatoes by hand, buy a frozen lasagna dinner instead. It will save time, prep work, and dishes as well as give the added benefit of a chemical cornucopia!

5. Remember, you are what you eat. Choose foods that don’t occur naturally in the wild and that would have a shelf life of years rather than days.

While these tips certainly don’t cover all the ways to correctly poison your child, they will start you on the right path to make sure your young has what it takes to survive whatever comes next.

Chomp On!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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