Summer Camps- Despite the Bad Press, They Are a Good Idea

Bust out the duffel bags and Popsicle sticks. Summer camps are severely under-rated. These glorious temporary colonies of mostly children serve several important functions, not only for your offspring, but also for you— the parental figure’s— well-being. Summer camps were the height of fashion in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Honestly they should have been big deals for longer and earlier, but I digress.

What exactly are the benefits of Summer Camps? Well sit back and apply your mosquito repellent and I’ll tell you.

1.       You can ship off your spawn to be someone else’s problem for a couple of weeks in the summer. That means you can kick back and take a well-earned vacation from parenting.

2.       Depending on the type of camp, your offspring could come back a completely different person. Or at least knowing some important survival skills. Like that Disney Movie about fat summer camps? Yeah. You know the one. Those kids learned many valuable lessons. Don’t let yours miss out on those lessons. Look into camps that specialize in survival skills or Popsicle stick art. Either works.

3.       Your offspring will gain an appreciation for nature. There’s nothing like being farted on by a small black and white forest creature to give a deep, unrelenting appreciation for the finer things on God’s green earth.

4.       The farther, more remote the camp is the better. This will allow your offspring to learn how to be away from you, dealing on their own.  

5.       Use the haunted summer camps as the ultimate test before your kids go off into the world on their own. Don’t believe me? Watch any of the Jason movies. The ones with no common sense and poor reflexes are the first to die. If your spawn makes it through, then congratulations! They are eligible for leveling up.

Give yourself and your parenting partner a break next summer. Ship your kid off to someone else to deal with for a few weeks.

Grab the s’mores fixings!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

When to Let Your Kid Dress Themselves and How To Responsibly Avoid Them In Public

Fashion is finicky. Clothing choices transform a lot for the human species. With garb drastically changing not only from culture to culture, but also time periods and human ages, it’s so hard to get it right.

As a parent, you are obligated to ensure your offspring is properly dressed. Or are you?

Consider this: allowing your spawn to decide in the manner they are dressed teaches self-sufficiency and boosts confidence. Which, if you have read my previous blogs on the subjects, are great things for your rug rat to have.

A good fashion sense takes years to develop, though in many cases, it doesn’t develop at all. That would be all well and good, except for one tiny thing. Society judges you on your appearance and nothing else.

So, for the sake of creating a self-sufficient and confident human, you are left with letting your undeveloped monster choose the striped tutu over the dinosaur costume with the mismatching cowboy boots and ugly sweater vest. Which would be fine except you have to be seen and associated with them.

                What is a parent to do?

                Avoid them. Avoid being seen with them until their sense of fashion either comes out of hiding or until it is socially acceptable for them to be in public by themselves. Here are a couple of tips:

·          Keep them locked up and out of the public eye. This approach is what I like to call the Rapunzel tactic. It only works for so long before they want to be let out and your counter measures (locks, towers, vague threats of the outside world, etc) fail.

·         Watch them from afar. Keep a certain amount of distance from your child while in public. When they call for you, look away and ignore them. Soon, they will learn not to address you when other people are within eyesight.

·         Hire someone to be seen in public with your offspring. Depending on how much they charge, you can also have them dress like your child, thus absolving you of your public parental image. Problem solved.

Fashionably yours,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Raising Your Offspring; Why I’m The Only Expert You Should Listen To

It’s the age of information and as such, there is a ton of parenting advice on this interwebs thing. While it may seem like a good idea to follow all of these recommendations, let me be the first to say:

Don’t do it.           

Don’t take parenting advice from strangers online! You don’t know where they’ve been or what their real agenda is. They could be secret agents out to create the next super villain and your kid could be their unwitting puppet.

I know what you are thinking. “But Azra, You’re a stranger and you’re online. Why should we listen to you?”

I’ll tell you why, newbie parent.

Parental units don’t need new and improved ways of raising their little tyrants. They need the tried and true methods of the past to ensure their offspring are the winners of the game called life (not that board game where everyone gets a car— the bigger, higher stakes extravaganza where losing means dying— game).

I am one of the few creatures on earth that can give not only a historically accurate advice on the matter of raising mini humans, but also a completely objective view. I say objective for a couple of reasons:

1.       I am not, in fact, a human. I’m an angel— a Grigori to be more specific. One of the many reasons I was created was to help humans. While child rearing was not my original forte, I consider my time on earth watching the generations of man slip by a more than good enough resume.

2.       I do not, nor have I ever, had any kids. Besides the whole “angels don’t have kids” theory (which is a complete lie!), I just never found that certain someone to have my mixed DNA clone with. This ensures that I am not biased because of how I may have raised any offspring.

3.       I did have a hand in making sure my nephew, Ryan, grew up. He’s not human either, but that does give me more of an advantage since we had to pretend that we were. Because we were always on the move, I never committed to any one parenting style, choosing instead to remain fluid and flexible.

The sole purpose of me standing on this interwebs soapbox is to help you silly humans guarantee the future of your entire race and that it isn’t completely ruined by some online hack.

Also, I have a bet going with Ryan.

So what do you say? Shall we explore the wonderful world of parenting together?

Looking forward to lecturing you,

Azra

* Disclaimer* Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note* Any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*