Fable's Antique Road Show #6

Once again, I’m Fable Skelly. Also with me are Todd Mandel and Riley Carter. And this is Todd’s social media project, Fable’s Antiques Roadshow Rip-off. For those of you listening to this as a podcast, be glad because I haven’t eaten yet. Todd, you promised us pizza. Why after? Ugh. Fine.

Our guest is Mr. Beburg. Let’s see what you have. Woven belt with a gold buckle. Looks 16th century, but in really good shape. Where did you get this? Family heirloom. Interesting. I feel like I’ve seen this belt before. You said your name is Beburg? By any chance does your last name come from where your ancestors were born? Yes. That’s what I was afraid of. Sir, you’ve never tried to put this belt on have you? You did recently. Right. Would you excuse me for a minute.

Todd, I need to you stop recording. Riley, I just found out where all of those nighttime attacks came from. That’s the belt of Peter Stumpp who was a serial killer executed in the 1500s. Why am I so worried? Um. . . because used the belt to turn himself into a wolf and eat people.

Wait. Where did the belt go? Where did Mr. Beburg? Aw crap. Run. Run now. Everyone run! What the hell, Todd? Are you still filming? You know what, just for that, I hope you get eaten first.

Fable's Antique Road Show #5

Welcome again to the failed social media experiment that is this show. As always, I’m the voice of history, Fable Skelly, your host. With me is the twisted mind behind this abomination, Todd Mandel. And in the corner, pretending he’s not listening is Riley Carter, who drove me here.

Here’s the premise. A person brings me something. I look at it and estimate what it is and how old. The usually something bad happens after that.

Today’s guest is Mr. Kanin and he has brought us - Oh wow. This is amazing. This is Apache pottery. Probably a water basket. Extremely old. Probably around . . . Riley, why are you hopping around like that? You’re making Mr. Kanin really nervous. And, oh. Rude! Mr. Kanin, why did you just snatch that out of my hands? I thought you wanted me to take a look at the pottery. Mr. Karin! Where are you going?

Riley! Why are you chasing him? Gah!

Todd, stop yelling your head off and help!

Oh! Careful of the pottery! Todd, if you sit on Mr. Kanin like that he won’t be able to breathe. Yes, Riley! Stop gasping at me. I’m calling the police now.

Hello. Can you come to this house as soon as possible? I think we just caught the man who robbed the Heard Museum last week. Todd, take the phone and give the police the address.

What’s that, Riley? Yes. This show is getting out of hand.

Fable's Antique Road Show #4

Welcome again to Todd Mandel’s social media attempt. If you are watching this then you can probably guess that I’m not Todd and if you are listening to this on the podcast, I’ll just clarify for you that I’m the host, Fable Skelly, not Todd. And this is a really weird idea where I look at people’s old junk and tell them what I know so they can hope for a cash payout from some other organization with money.

But not your item, Mrs. . . . Doe, was it? I’m sure you’ve brought us something that’s not junk. For those of your watching this, you might be confused by me talking to a space off camera. Our Mrs. Doe has chosen not to be filmed. Or seen apparently. Where did you find that hat with a veil? I didn’t think they made those any longer?

Oh! Okay. I will mind my own business. Fine. Rude. But I guess fair, since I was rude first. Let’s get this over with. What did you bring us. Oh! Oh, wow. This is worth something? This is what is generally known as a poison ring, probably from the seventeenth century and it’s in excellent shape. The stone doesn’t even have any wear and the hinge that open still works. The little chamber under the stone is pretty filthy. Some kind of dust in there, I think. But know, these rings usually weren’t used for poison. Most of the time people kept religious relics or bit of hair of a loved one and-

What’s that Mrs. Doe? You want to know what the dust is inside this one? I’m not a chemist. I’m a teenage girl. Okay. No need for name calling. Yes, it might be leftover poison or it could be powder from a piece of saint bone or it could just be dust.

Mrs. Doe, you seem to be very interested in the killing properties of this ring and you’ve come to us under an assumed name AND you’ve covered your face. Forgive me for being blunt, however, could it be that you’re planning a murder?

Oh! Also rude. That’s a lot of swearing. Todd, can we have all that swearing on this? Oh, we’re live so it can’t be helped. Okay.

Oh and she’s gone. Yes, I suppose we should call the police. At least she left behind the ring with the Cantarella in it. Oh! Of course it’s a poison. I do know my poisons, but Mrs. Doe didn’t need to know that.

Fable's Antique Road Show #3

Todd, stop waving your hand at me like that! It’s rude! Fine so we’re filming. So what? Riley, don’t frown at me like that. I’m just doing this to get extra credit in history class. Ugh! Fine. Hi. Hello. Welcome to another episode of what is clearly a stolen concept. I’m your host, Fable Skelly, the teenager who knows weirdly too much about old stuff for reasons I can’t say on the air. With me are the shows creator, producer, director, and editor, Todd Mandel, Mr. Richie, our guest for this episode, and Riley Carter, who is my ride.

Mr. Richie, what did you bring for us today? I know you said on the phone that it’s been in your family since they came over as colonists in the 1700s and you still use it regularly today for green beans at Thanksgiving. Let’s see . . . Oh my.

For those of you listening to this on the podcast, Mr. Richie has just presented a deep pewter bowl with a small handle and he is correct. It is from the eighteenth century. However, my first note is this. Stop putting food in a pewter dish. It’s really not healthy.

Didn’t your ancestors put food in it? Nope probably not. By this time, a lot of people had rediscovered how harmful lead poisoning is. Yes. I said lead poisoning. That’s what pewter is.

But you also probably don’t want to be eating out of this because it’s a bleeding dish. Nope. For human blood. Doctors used to think that in order to make a sick person well, you had balance the liquids in the body and get rid of infected blood. If they weren’t using leeches, doctors would cut open your arm, lay it on a dish like this, and just let you bleed out of a while. Why do you look so green?

Todd? Riley? Why are you looking at me like that too? It’s not like this shit was my idea. I’m just telling you what it was used for. This was a normal part of life. A horrible, horrible, normal part of life. Why do you think the age expectancy was so low? It’s not just because people didn’t eat their veggies!

But, good news for you, Mr. Richie. This is probably worth something. Oh. You need to clean out some of this green bean residue first. Doesn’t your family wash dishes after Thanksgiving?

Fable's Antique Road Show #2

Welcome to this new episode of my friend Todd’s ridiculous social media show that’s clearly a rip off of a well-established PBS television program. And now Todd is giving me a dirty look. I’m your host, Fable Skelly, a perfectly average teenager who has no connections to historical artifacts at all. None. What-so-ever. Totally normal here.

Today’s guest is Ms. Reynolds bringing the jewelry box she bought in an estate sale. She’s asking for identification of the unusual material of these various pieces. Let’s take a look. For those of you you are listening to this on the accompanying poocast . . . What? Oh. Podcast. If you’re listening to this one the “pooooodcast” this is mainly brown in color. The chains on these bracelets and necklaces are very thick, made of soft fibers woven together and -

And this is human hair. Yeah. I’m going to put that down now. You see, Ms. Reynolds, although you are correct in making that face at me, it was super boring if you were upperclass and Victorian. Women would save the hair from their brushes and made it into artwork. Usually they did this with the hair of their loved ones after they. . . died. Yes. Some this could be dead people hair. No! No! It was a sign of remembrance and respect. And is super gross. Fair enough. Actually, these are very intricate and well done. They might be worth a little somethin- And she’s throwing them in the trash and leaving. The power of the gross was too much for her.

Todd, can you fish that out? I know it’s human hair, but it might be something sentimental like the hair of someone’s grandma or aunt. Or evil headmistress? What exactly do you think the Victorian Era was like? Nevermind! I don’t want to know.

Fable's Antiques Roadshow #1

Let’s get this over with. I’m Fable Skelly and this is some sort of antique show rip-off produced by teenagers. I am your host, Ms. I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here, and only feeling comfortable because public television doesn’t have the money to sue us. I have been volun-told into the role host because I’m the only one of us with an A in history (and I’m the only one who has actually lived through 3,000 years of history). Oh, you heard me say that last part? That was a joke. Obviously, a joke.

Today’s object being presented by Mrs. McGlory, neighbor to my friend Riley and a woman I have never been properly introduced to. Even now as I’m sitting her across from her and the camera rolls, no one has bothered to actually introduce her. And now my friend Todd is giving me the director’s glare so . . . moving on.

Mrs. McGlory, welcome to . . . whatever this is. Please do not let Todd whispering about lighting bother you. You look great and this lighting he’s created using hunting spotlight is not blinding me at all. And what have you brought for us to appraise today?

Oh. It’s an old bucket. I can tell you right now that is indeed a rather rusty bucket, probably from the late 1800s or early 1900s. This model was probably purchased locally and. . . What was that, Mrs. McGlory? You want to know about what’s inside the bucket? No problem. Let me just reach my hand in here and -

Ew! Gross. That’s an old corncob with - yep, some scraps from a farmer’s almanac. I need hand sanitizer. No, really, Todd, now or I’m going to throw up. Riley? Someone give me a wet wipe or something?

Thank you! Gross. Just gross.

Sorry, Mrs. McGlory, for the disgust. I assume you had family who were farmers or lived in a rural community? Yes. That’s what I thought. What you have here is essentially toilet paper for people who couldn’t afford toilet paper. No. I am not joking. To be perfectly fact with you your great-grandparents probably wiped their rear-end clean with that with that corn cob and threw it into the bucket when done. Now my question is, why the hell would they keep this for generations?

You still want to know if it’s worth anything? Not unless you want to get dna samples. Can I suggest throwing this away now?

And that’s, dear viewers, was pointless. Till Todd’s next social media streaming experiment, I’m Fable Skelly and this is a total waste of my time

American Dad (Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour) - Movies about Writing

First, for those who’ve never seen this adult cartoon, “American Dad” is another show from the brain of Seth MacFarlene (see “Family Guy” and “The Orville” - Yes! “The Orville”! I like that show okay! I know it’s isn’t Star Trek, but it fills a Star Trek shaped hole left by CBS All Access). It’s about a family whose patriarch is a conservative CIA agent, their goldfish is actually a German man whose brain was swapped, and a drunk alien lives in their attic.

In this episode, Francine, the ditzy wife, writes a noir romance novel entitled The Cobra in the Bag: A Tony Hurt Mystery under the name F.R. Ancine. It’s nominated for “Best Lonely Housewife Detective Novella: Softcore” by the Federation of American Mystery Writers (not a real group, but it leaves me wondering why more official genre groups aren’t called “federations”) and the whole family goes to the Manhattan for the awards ceremony.

While there, husband Stan and daughter Haley are taken on a strange tour of New York by Robert Wuhl (look him up) and son Steve with Alien Roger want to play at their favorite detective personas - Wheels and Legman - thinking it will boost their family. Roger gets this idea when they see that bestselling author, James Patterson is also attending the event with his cardboard cut-out in tow. Then, Francine goes missing after not realizing she’s been insulted by Patterson and excitedly realizing she’s in a literary feud with another housewife writer. By the way, Francine can’t think of a literary feud which shows she’s new to this. Literary feuds are like the cornerstone of the scandalous news stories in online writer magazines. Feuds and lawsuits. Oh. The lawsuits.

Francine is noticed missing when she wins the awards, but isn’t there to accept the award, Wheels and the Legman (a.k.a. Steve and Roger) start their own case to find Francine playing out like a terrible detective television show or, dare I say, terrible novella.

I’ve never been to a mystery writers award show. Therefore, why you may ask, did I choose this episode for this particular blog. Because of he whose name in the bookselling world is often used as a curse, shouted as a fist is raised at the sky.

PATTERSON!

These images are the property of Seth McFarlane and 20th Century Fox. . . or Disney . . . or someone

Theodora Goes Wild: Moves about Writing

A 1936 screwball comedy about censorship and public image vs. reality of authors. Despite being a comedy, it really does focus quite a bit on writing and authorship.

Irene Dunne plays Theodora Lynn, the maiden niece of the town matriarchs who teaches Sunday school and helps them to keep scandalous material out of the hands of the innocent. The prime example of the protest is a bestselling, yet salacious novel being serialized in the Lynnfield newspaper. All the gossipy, biddy stereotypes come together in declaration against author Caroline Adams! Of course, what they don’t know is that Theodora IS Caroline Adams, a secret only her publisher knows.

When her identity is accidentally revealed to her cover artist, Michael Grant (Melvyn Douglas) while on a trip to New York City, he dares her to let her hair down and have some fun. Michael is in complete disbelief that such a shy, high-buttoned woman as Theodora could write about the world they way she does. Most people never seem to realize that authors are usually introverted and get their “experiences” vicariously through a mix of research and imagination. After seeing her get drunk and they almost make-up, Theodora sobers up quickly and runs back home to Lynnfield. Michael shows up a few days later, threatening to expose her to all of the town if she doesn’t let him stick around and teach her how to be herself despite what the people around her will say.

Naturally, they fall in love, as it is a comedy from the 1930s, and Theodora feels confident to stand up to her aunts. However, complications occurs when it turns out that Michael secretly lives in his own cage controlled by his politically minded, overbearing father. Complications that mean Michael would either have to stand up to his father the same way he encouraged Theodora or the pair have to wait another two years before their relationship can progress.

This is where the idea of public image comes back into the plot. Theodora is determined to force Michael to confront his father just as he did to her by being as obnoxious as possible. She buys a ridiculous new wardrobe (so. many. feathers.), starts dressing her mutt in giant bows to take him on fashionable walks, and moves herself into Michael’s apartment which forces him out. But most importantly, she reveals herself to be Caroline Adams and laps up all of the media attention in hopes that Michael will step up to prevent a scandal. On the one hand, these scenes are funny because she acts the way a character in her books would act and meet all expectations of a shocked yet very engaged fan base. On the other hand, she semi-tortures her publisher who stood by her secret for so long and causes misunderstandings that really aren’t kind so some of the side characters of the movie. There is also the issue of taking censorship to a personal level, where the people of town switch from banning Theodora’s books to wanting to ban Theodora (also hypocrisy, but I don’t want to spoil that joke in the film).

This was a movie I enjoyed watching in my tween and teen years because it included so many great "rom-com” tropes and phrases like “brazen hussy”. I’m sorry, modern language, but we need to bring that phrase back. It’s far too fabulous to keep in the past. However, this is also a nice story about balance. Balance between morals and reality. Balance when it comes to public life versus private life. And even balance when we love someone and need to learn to accept them for who they are (in this case I’m talking about Theodora’s aunts who had to face ridicule, yet still worried about and stood by her). Still, this was a story primarily about fame and how it can be used. Despite her losing her secret and then over-using her new image, Theodora finds a way to balance the scandal and the care of others by helping her friends towards the end of the story. And having a good laugh about it at the same time.

Deciding to use a pen name is a very personal decision for a writer. Unless you’re Lemony Snicket who will not be appearing at his own book signing because he was eaten by wild animals*. Luckily, Daniel Handler will sign your books instead.

*not sure about this joke. Look it up. It’s great.

To Walk Invisible: Movies about Writing

PBS TIME!!!

To Walk Invisible is another biopic about the four Bronte siblings (a likely more accurate portrayal than the previous movie I watched). This one presents the four in a both codependent yet tumultuous relationship which all seems to go on completely under their well-meaning father’s nose (played by Jonathan Pryce). Quotes from letters to and from the sisters add to the realism of the movie.

Flashbacks reveal how the four were once so close and imaginative, yet the signs of their adult personalities are still there. The main plot starts with Branwell (Adam Nagaitis) and Anne (Charlie Murphy - no, not the Charlie Murphy who once played basketball against Prince) coming back home from positions after Branwell had an alleged affair with the wife of their employer. At the same time, a depressed Charlotte (Finn Atkins) and a fed-up Emily (Chloe Pirrie) are also back home after attending a school with practical questions of what will become of them when their father dies. Branwell is as he always is, a drunk who cannot commit to a path in life and is constantly bailed out by their father. Meanwhile, his three sisters both pity him and fear what their lives will be like when he will be in control of the family finances.

This brings the writing and publishing into play. That’s right! This film is actually about the women as writers -not made-up love triangles or scenes of pining out windows. Charlotte, having been inspired by a drunken rant by Banwell, decides that the three women should publish poetry under male names in an attempt to earn some income.

At first, Emily is appalled by this idea as her poems are private and she flies into a rage when Charlotte reads them without her consent. Anne is the peacemaker between her sisters and is happy just be writing. Still, Anne hate the idea of being credited as men and wishes they could just write anonymously. Charlotte and Emily insist that if anyone suspects that they are women, their writing will never be judged fa

The movie isn’t without it’s drama. The awkward love between Charlotte and her father’s curate, Arthur Bell Nicholls is somehow even sadder without the grand love triangle knowing their lives together would be so short. Branwell’s depression, love life, and abuse towards his family aren’t shown as everyone constantly catering to him. Instead, Emily chases him from the house with anger while Charlotte continues to plan ways for them to secure their own income. Emily is shy and secretive, yet the closest to Branwell. She is the one who does not wish to ever reveal herself, is the most critical of their brother, and the one who cleans up many messes. Anne is still left as the constant “third sister”, the one just on the outskirts who keeps everyone else taken care of. She’s even the one who suffers the most publishing wise. She is also the one who feels the most guilt and emotion over Branwell as he reaches new lows. *By the way, I finally read The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and it’s fantastic. I actually like it better than Jane Eyre or Wuthering Heights.

The publishing process of the mid-1800s shows how for a first book, the women had to pay to have it published, but still received the proof in the mail (just like now). I imagine contracts, terms of profits, and marketing were quite different, but some of the initial steps really haven’t changed. It also shows the hurt of publication rejection with that added realization that if the three sisters can’t be published they might not be able to survive after their father dies. They also cover topics of publishing fraud, unreliable editors, and subtle fame.

The movie imagines the issues that come with writing under pen names and trying to keep it secret in a small town when Charlotte’s The Professor is rejected but the agents agrees to print Agnes Grey and Wuthering Heights. It also includes the idea of the Charlotte finally telling their father about Jane Eyre’s success in hopes that it will alleviate their father’s worries. He is proud of them and I have no idea if that would be how such a scene played out. This scene is also revealed that their pseudonyms are an attempt to protect Branwell’s feelings who never managed to write his own novel, even as Branwell falls into further debt and ill health. There's a difference to be shown here between professionals and family ties.

Overall, this is a much better version of the tale of the three writers although it end abruptly with post-scripts of their lives and little insight into their short lived lives after Branwell’s death.

Owned by BBC. Emily (Chloe Pirrie), Anne (Charlie Murphy), and Charlotte (Finn Atkins)

Goodbye Again: Movies about Writing

I came across this 1933 comedy by accident on TCM about a bestselling author whose entire life is kept in check by his secretary. Then a former girlfriend, who is now married, shows up in the midst of his book signing tour.

Kenneth Bixby (played Warren William) writes novels about women tragically in love and full of all the melodrama that would make him a bestseller. He’s come to Ohio with practical and funny Anne (Joan Blondell) as a promotion for his latest title Miriam. They don’t say much about the book other than it’s about a woman who cannot have children and his flame from nearly a decade believes the cynical tale is about her. This ex-girlfriend, Julie (Genevieve Tobin) convinces Bixby to spend the evening with her instead of attending his lecture, radio appearance, and book signing. Meanwhile, Julie’s husband Harvey (Hugh Herbert), Julie’s sister Elizabeth (Helen Chandler from the Tod Browning Dracula), and Elizabeth’s friend (Wallace Ford) are all attempting to track down both Bixby and Julie in hopes of avoiding scandal. This also comes about at the end of the film when Anne tells Julie that the character of Miriam was based upon a different ex-flame. Julie dramatically exits declaring, “You’ve killed the other me!”

First, about this movie in general. Blondell is has good comedic timing as the “straight man” Anne. My generation would probably recognize her better as waitress Viv in Grease, but she was once a darling of romantic comedies and later played the aunts or best friends in movies like A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and Desk Set. The character of Anne is both love lorn, but delightfully manipulative. There is a good exchange between her and a bellhop about attempting to find rye in prohibition Cleveland. Warren William is also amusing as the charming rouge Bixby. Bixby gives an air of dignity, intelligence, and poise as a public image when in truth his is a philandering mess. His persona is all a fabrication of Anne’s hard work.

This brings me to the main point of this blog. This is the comedy of errors that is the result of a public image versus reality. Bixby’s fans think of his him as this sophisticated man who understands women and the human condition. In truth he’s a large child who puts all of his emotion into his books. His imagination and people watching skills keep a popular author and everyone assumes he is like the characters in his books. People want the creators of their heroes to reflect the heroes. At one point he makes the joke, “Julie has to marry me to save my honor. Ha.” The reader suffers a broken heart over the truth of a flawed person, even when the reader is also an author. And then there comes the debate, can one separate the author from the work?

Twilight Zone (A World of His Own): Movies about Writing

Oh “Twilight Zone”! How do I love thee! Let me write a blog of one of my favorite episodes instead of counting the ways (because math is bad). Let me present “A World of His Own” about Mr. Gregory West, a playwright who gets very into his work and uses a dictation machine for recording his character development. In order to talk about how this episode relates to the personality of writers I am going to have to give BIG SPOILERS.

NO SERIOUSLY - SPOILERS AHEAD! I WARNED YOU!

Rod Serling fading away from reality (CBS owned image)

First off, this is a Richard Matheson episode so that might be partially why it is one of my favorites. It also features an adorable Asian elephant, but that’s not really important to this blog. Gregory West (Keenan Wynn) is having a comfortable and loving time with the sweet Mary (Mary . Then his wife, the stylish Victoria (Phyllis Kirk) see him and Mary cuddling on the couch only to storm into an office where only her husband exists. No Mary and no exit she could have sneaked out of.

What continues is a conversation about how writers dream up characters that are real to them; a conversation that turns out not to be practical not philosophical. “They [characters] become so strong, that sometimes they take over the whole story,” Gregory explains to his wife and adds that one of his earliest successful characters walked into the room one night when he was working. It turns out that when he describes a new person into his tape recorder, the fictional character comes to life in his office and gives him inspiration for his plays. Then, all he has to do to send them back into his imagination is cut the tape and burn it.

This is the origin story of Mary (and others in the episode as well), but he has difficultly getting his wife to believe this as she plans his commitment. And in the case of Mary, he has created a woman who fulfills his sentimental needs that his high fashioned wife neglects. Still, she has a mind of her own and questions her role in Gregory’s life as he keeps creating and destroying her.

Overall, this episode all about the imagination of a writer and how tempting imagination is over reality. More than that, it is an idea of using the power of imagination responsibly. Where Gregory could rewrite his life with every character he could ever want, he only uses it as a way to keep from being lonely. And yet, instead of finding a woman in the world he creates his partner to fit ideals he has learned through out his life. Most writers start this way. They start as children daydreaming about different lives surrounded by different people. And yet Matheson presents this idea in the form of a full grown man and established playwright. This adds a little humor to the scenario. It begs the questions of how many of us would spend time with our characters as flesh and blood instead of just the voices in our heads.

Old Acquaintance: Movie about Writing

OH. MY. SWEET. BABY. SLEIPNIR. This movie was. . . hard to get through. Before I get accusations about being a rube who doesn’t appreciate art, I want to point out that I usually love old movies. I thought, “A 1943 film I’ve never heard of staring Miriam Hopkins and Bette Davis based on a play by the same guy who wrote ‘Bell, Book, and Candle’. You son of a bitch. I’m in.” Then I started it. Then I turned it back off. Then I tried watching more the following day. Another ten minutes and I stopped. I think it took me a week to watch this film in it’s entirety.

It’s a melodrama so of course there are silly rivalries, a couple of love triangles, and other ridiculous fodder. The movie is about two childhood friends who both grow up to be well-known authors. Practical and good-humored Kit (Bette Davis) is a novelist and playwright who really only churns out products every few years. They don’t make her a lot of money, but acquire her a lot of fame since she chooses subject matters of society and feminism. Her work seems to be mostly popular with academics like college students. Meanwhile type-A personality Millie (Miriam Hopkins) mass produces best selling romance novels that make her a wealthy woman in only a few years. Although Millie is constantly jealous of Kit and feels they need to be in some kind of competition, Kit only wishes Millie success and makes many excuses for when Millie acts selfish or flies off the handle. A part of this comes from the backstory of Millie having brought Kit home from school one day so she wouldn’t have to go to her own awful life and from then on she became like a foster child to Millie’s family. Kit feels a constant gratefulness for this because she credits any parts of her happy childhood to Millie.

Millie also the wife of some kind of successful gentleman with a thin 40s mustache (played by John Loder) who not-so-secretly pines for Kit. Together they have a daughter, Deirdre, (played by Dolores Moran as a teenager) who is named after the main character in Millie’s books and also seems to love Kit more than her emotional mother. Then, when Deirdre is a young woman, she and Kit fall in love with the same man (Gig Young) and Kit stands aside for her would-be niece. See. Drama. So. Much. Drama.

The pair of women have several literary conversations throughout the film that always start off interesting and realistic. They range in topics from editing and peer review to confidence in writing and when you have to let of of a project (just publish already) *note: I feel personally attacked every time this comes up in a film about writing. I will finish when I’m ready. Stop judging me, TV people! And even the ideas of marketing and publicity. Then the conversations turn into a thinly veiled fight with Millie constantly insulting Kit without realizing it. Still, Kit keeps trying to save Millie’s relationships with her husband and child, despite all of Millie’s tantrums.

I feel like if this was just a drama that only focused on the two authors and their friendship versus the differences in their careers, I probably could’ve gotten behind this film. Even if it was about how Kit was constantly trying to save Millie’s personal life in the midst of success and a character study of how Millie is so oblivious, I’d probably have felt this was a smart film about interesting writers. Instead, I found myself zoning out as there were long speeches involving words like “I can’t! I simply can’t” and discussing the moral implications of all the messes of their lives. Music swelled, people started to talk in passionate tones, and I would go get a snack. When I’d come back they’d still be talking about love affairs and suicide attempts. And I got really sick of this martyr routine they gave to Bette Davis. And it goes on for years! The movie takes place over nearly two decades and, although she does have success as a public figure, is never a bestselling author and of all the things she wants in life the only thing she gets to have in the end is her toxic friendship with Millie.

Image property of Warner Bros.

Long Groan (an attempt at a blog)

I am currently in the middle of a movie about two authors for this blog. But I am having a lot of trouble getting through this movie. I’ve literally watched it 15 minutes at a time and then I need a break. Sooooooo no blog this week. Enjoy this picture of a construction working mouse obtained from Pixaby.

New Girl (Socalyalcon vi): Movies about Writing

Nick is preparing for the Southern California Young Adult Literature Conference and Jess is helping him. I wanted to do this episode as a blog especially because conferences, library appearances, and conventions are the indie-published author’s bread and butter.

Nick spends too much time deciding what he’s going to wear for an outdoor, tented event. I’ve never done that. Never ever. Ever. Okay, I have, but I live in a state will unbearable weather. You need to pick a top that will breath, but not show the sweat of the 110 degree weather.

The look of this made-up convention is legit. Rows of booths with single tables and different color schemes with people milling about, some in costume. As is it 2021 and there has not been one of these events in almost a year for me, I got weirdly nostalgic looking this over-crowded TV mimicry of what is essentially a chunk of my life.

What the TV show does not reveal is the strain of selling in an environment with people who are all in the same boat as you. There’s the conversations, the elevators talks, the short pitches, and the awkwardness. The wonderful, business awkwardness.

Image owned by Fox

New Girl (Young Adult): Movies about Writing

Let’s power through some more of these Nick as an author episodes of “New Girl” for the month of January. This episode has a lot going on (Schmidtt is hiring an assistant based on pretentious qualifications, Cece is starting the moving process, and Winston finds out his cat has been cheating on him with another family), but A-plot involves Jess trying to get her students to treat her the same way they did as a teacher now that’s she’s their principal. She finds in when she overhears several junior high girls discussing their love of Pepperwood after reading the copies Jess left in the school library. Quick note - again, how are these books surviving a single reading as we know they were just printer pages glued into cardboard?

Nick is going through writers block, yet is not welcoming the idea of catering to teenage girls. Then, when the young ladies express why they love his book, he gets excited about writing once again. However, Jess has to come to terms that her students want to discuss some heavy and adult subjects around her because of the book’s content. Wait. Why did she put copies in her school’s library? Are there angry parent phone calls? I feel like there would angry parent phone calls.

As a writer watching this episode, I get how the excitement of these young fans breaks Nick’s block. However, I don’t really agree with him bouncing ideas for future books off of them. That could get into some legal gray areas like fan fiction does.

As for Jess’s experience through this, she becomes “too cool” because she’s not the member of school staff who is roommate’s with the kids’ favorite author. Of course, she loses all authority and has to punish Nick and his tween girl fanbase. Nick then convinces the students to apologize for their behavior. This isn’t so much about writing, but I feel this is good lesson about dealing with teenagers.

Image belongs to Fox

New Girl (Glue): Movies about Writing

In the next episode in the saga of Nick Miller, writer, we find Nick in the attempts of self-printing. I am going to keep this one very short because otherwise my rants about the sheer ridiculousness of it will go on until doomsday.

Nick receives a publisher rejection and falls into despair. Reagan suggests self-publishing and printing the book himself after she finds a bookstore to sell them. Not in a normal, send to a professional printer and order a set number of copies way. Nope. That’s just too easy for a sitcom. Jess and Nick decide to MAKE THE BOOKS THEMSELVES! This involves a lot of glue that they get high off of the fumes from and then silliness is abound and sitcom shenanigans continue in their scripted sitcom ways.

I’m not focused on the shenanigans. I’m focused on the reality of this entire freakin’ scenario! Let us begin with the idea of a local bookstore agreeing to sell a book through a phone conversation and then requesting thirty copies! No bookstore would request THIRTY COPIES of a first-time author’s work unless it was part of a publishing/agency deal and no publisher or agent would take that risk with a first time author. No consignment allows for thirty copies. Especially from a small, local operation. They can’t afford to lose that much shelf space. As the owner of the bookstore saying in the episode, “Please, buy things. We’re dying.”

Let me explain the reality of the consignment process for those writers who have not delved into this yet. It usually starts with a contract that includes a long list of rules and conditions. These conditions generally includes a length of time they are willing to carry the title, information about what they will do with your unsold copies (do they get sent back to you, do they clearance them out, is there an expense for you to come get them, etc.), and how much they make off of the sale’s price of each copy sold. This document will then ask you to give all of the book’s information like the title, summary, author’s name, publication date, and ISBN. I don’t want to be condescending, but my point about the ISBN is going to come up again later, so I’m aware that most writers know what that is yet I’m going to explain it. Also that was a really long sentence that I’m not planning on fixing. The ISBN is like the social security number of a book. Only your title has that specific number and it is number you purchase or your publisher purchases for you as a part of your book. No book is legitimately published without out and technically does not exist in the sales world if it doesn’t have one.

This imaginary consignment of Nick’s book is also including a reading of the book the same night as the deal was made. What bookstore is going to ask for a reading from a new author that they have never met AND request that reading be the same day as the consignment? In the words of the tenth Doctor Who, “WHAT?!” You need time to advertise that crap! To build an interest and get people to come to the reading. Plus, most small bookstores don’t ask a new author to do a local reading until they’ve seen the book. Maybe we’re suppose to assume there was a cancellation becuase realistically no one should be coming to Nick’s unplanned, unadvertised, unknown book reading.

Now for the actual assembly of the book, a process as I stated previously Jess and Nick do themselves using printer paper and glue. HO-LY SHIT IS THIS UNREALISTIC!!!! The first time I saw this episode, I needed a drink. Upon re-watching, I need a sedative.

First, they literally just printed thirty paper copies of what looks like a 800 page book! That would cost more than just sending it to the printers. Plus, did the check their margins? Widows and orphans! DID THEY TURN OFF THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS! I NEED TO KNOW THIS FOR MY OWN SANITY (see Sidney Reetz’s formatting guide if you are uncertain of what I speak). How are the pages staying together? They didn’t do them in folded chunks like a real book. It just looks like a stack of paper. Did they glue every sheet of paper together at the edge? Or did they just straighten the stack and glue the whole thing to the (what looks like) card stock cover?

Oh and let us discuss that cover. They have a drawing of a lobster in either crayon or colored pencil (it’s actually a good drawing, but it makes the book look more little kiddy or like one of those business books that are trying to trick people with common sense disguised as jargon). Then they have pasted on the title, the spine, and Nick’s name. The back cover is blank. No blurb (how will anyone know what the book is about?), publisher, and NO ISBN! How will the book be sold without an ISBN? No bookstore would take this! Nick would barely be able to sell that book out of the back of a creepy van without an ISBN! I mean, he could try, but most readers aren’t into creepy van purchases.

I said I’d keep this short so I’ll stop ranting now. Nick sells his first book to a 12 year old (then remembers that he wrote a graphic sex scene), Jess looks at pop-up books while high, happy ending, blah blah blah. Plot line to be continued.

New Girl (The Cubicle): Movies about Writing

Time to continue the tale of NIck Miller of the sitcom “New Girl” and his attempts at becoming a published author.

When last we left our slacker hero, he’d returned from New Orleans with his first completed manuscript about detective Julius Pepperwood. The episode entitle “The Cubicle” involves Nick trying to convince his girlfriend, Reagan, to actually read this finished product. There are of course other things happening in the episode. Jess is feeling guilty that her current boyfriend has to pay for hospital bills for an accident that was technically her fault. Cece is running her modeling agency from the loft living room (yes, she and Schmidt bought a house but they spend most of season 6 renovating it). And Winston accidentally recruits Cece’s only client for the police academy.

The episode starts with Nick suggesting he use Cece’s new client to be on the cover of his book and everyone agrees that the male model would make a great Gator. Reagan then asks why no use a real gator. The table gets very gaspy as they realize that she hasn’t read the book or she’d know that Gator is Pepperwood’s best friend… and a man, not a reptile. Winston declares that she must clear the next 24 hours. Nick says it’s no big deal, but the rest of the roommates peer pressure Reagan into take a hard copy of the novel and start reading.

Nick tells her, “Don’t feel any pressure to like it, even though I spent 7,000 hours writing it.” I tried calculate this into days which would mean he spent several years on it. This would he mean he was probably working on it off and on since season 2 (which is a common practice for me and several writers I know). Or the number was an exaggeration and I did math for nothing.

Anyway, he’s clearly nervous about her reading it and she’s clearly not very keen on reading it. They look for ways to put off her quiet time with the giant novel by helping Jess with the medical bill issue. Eventually, she goes back to reading and Nick starts by staring at her the whole time. Realizing he shouldn’t be doing this, he exits the room, then instantly comes back in when he realizes Jess is fighting with her boyfriend in the living room. When comes back to the bedroom where Reagan is reading she’s fast asleep with very few pages of the book turned. He then goes to hide in Cece’s cubicle and is joined by Jess.

“I’m taking the gin with me, though. Alcohol is kind of a cubicle for the insides.”

“Nick, you’re like a drunk Maya Angelou.”

“Not the first time I heard that.”

Nick and Reagan finally discuss her falling asleep on his book and she confesses that she’s never like fiction. But she also tells him that she wants to keep trying to read it. Nick agrees to read some of it out loud to her and she smiles, saying she’d like that. It’s a nice compromise where she still shows interest and he is hopefully able to do some editing (this isn’t a judgement I’m just always looking for ways to multitask).

This whole episode was about caring about the opinions of significant others and coming to terms with the artistic aspects of sharing. For me, it’s easier to have a stranger read my work then someone I love. Of course, I still want that person to buy my work. Let’s not be crazy here.

Image belongs to Fox… or Disney… or someone

New Girl (House Hunt): Movies about Writing

Continuing the journey of Nick Miller from New Girl (for the start of this plot line go back to the blog New Girl: Eggs).
This episode is all about changes of setting in adult life and a minor plot of it involves how those changes can lead to a successful writing endeavor. So yeah… This will be a short one.

While Jess watches her friends move on with their lives being serious long distance relationships and buying houses (hence the title), she struggles with the realization that (spoiler alert) she is not over roommate Nick. Nick has been away in New Orleans with his girlfriend Reagan (played by Megan Fox and I was weirdly impressed). When he shows up at home a month early, he’s excited to tell Jess something. Feeling far too awkward for excited attitude she flees. This is then followed by the usual sitcom shenanigans.

By the end of the episode, Jess decides she can avoid Nick forever when he reveals that he was writing 200 pages a day “by hand” in New Orleans (then the wind blew the pages away so he started over on a computer). And so Nick finally finished his first legitimate book in season 6 of the show.

The point I want to make in this episode and why I’m including it in this blog can be broken into 2 ideas. First that Nick was inspired by the change in scenery to finally finish something he started several seasons earlier. This is sometimes true for a specific book or even some writers. The other is - his pages blew away and HE STARTED OVER. That’s always the woooooorrrrrrrrsssssssstttttttt. It makes you feel like giving up and wanting to blow something up at the same time. Something big. That would would make a loud bang. But the show pointed out how he started again and learned that maybe he should back up files on a computer (but I don’t trust computers so I generally also back them up on a usb drive and send them in an email to friends…but that’s just me).

The Man Who Invented Christmas - Movies About Writing

Time for some more Dickens! Most of my friends know how I adore Dickens as a writer (but am conflicted with a few of his actions as a person like how he treated his wife). But this film a micro-biography. A look at an isolated time of his life long before all of that. I’m talking about when he wrote A Christmas Carol, a book I love so much I can recite it. Do you want to hear the open paragraphs about “dead as a doornail”? No. Oh. Okay. Then I guess I’ll just keep typing then.

The Man Who Invented Christmas is about the few weeks in which Dickens (played by Dan Stevens) worked to write, lasting holiday story in the midst of bankruptcy and dealing with his irresponsible father (played by Jonathan Pryce) who wants to be a part of his family life once again.

Before I get too far into the this blog, I do want to point out the only inaccurate historical detail in the film that drove me absolutely insane. John Dickens, Charles’s father, buys the family a pet raven as a sign of goodwill and holiday cheer, in the winter of 1843 when he’s writing A Christmas Carol. Here’s my issue with it. The real Dickens family had their pet raven years before that. Grip, the beloved pet raven, is featured heavily in Dickens’s 1841 novel Barnaby Rudge (which, yes, I’ve red. I’m that much of a fangirl plus I REALLY love ravens). Grip died that same year and Dickens replaced him with Grip II and eventually Grip III. These second and third ravens were not nearly as clever and fun as the original Grip and the children didn’t care much for them, but Dickens himself felt that ravens made the best pets and wanted to set an example. This had nothing to do with his father. Even so, I wish the movie had made a reference to the original Grip. the beloved raven that Dickens made a central character in one of his books (granted one of his hardest to get-through books but . . .)

Off my historian soapbox I get. Back to the film. There is so much I could say about this one involving the writing process and the life of an author. There’s Dickens facing ruin after his last two books didn’t sell well. There’s his weariness at facing the criticism of other writers like William Makepeace Thackeray (you know, the guy that wrote Vanity Fair). There is the way Dickens observes and takes notes on names and events around him in search of inspiration. The idea of deadlines keeping an author on task. And of course there are the little distractions in the midst of writer’s block like playing the concertina accordion. I think I need an accordion. But let us get down to writing A Christmas Carol itself and how it’s portrayed in the film.

The movie jumps between the reality of Dickens writing, the flashbacks of his troubled childhood, and his imaginary interactions with Scrooge the character. He draws upon the men he meets at his charity lectures and on the streets of London to develop the old miser, using direct quotes he hears from a “self-made” businessman who believes the poor would be better off dead. He is equally inspired by the supernatural Irish tales he overhears a maid telling his children.

When his publishers doubt that they could print such a book in time for Christmas, what is considered a minor holiday in Britain at this time, Dickens declares that he will self-publish. This is totally true. Dickens really did believe that Christmas should encourage charity and giving and he wanted this new book to inspired people in time for that holiday. Therefore, he printed it at his own expense (which he didn’t even do in a cheap way when he insisted that his book be a hardcover with a gilt title). By the way, Dickens aficionado Simon Callow (see the Unquiet Dead blog) has a cameo as the book designer Leech. Charles’s friend John Forster (played by Justin Edwards) advises him against his, but still goes along with the idea. Historian note: Forster was well-known in his own right as a newspaper literary critic. I don’t think he was Dickens’s business manager like the movie shows, but they were close friends and he owned several original manuscripts that Dickens gave to him.

The best parts of the film are when Dickens interacts with a Christopher Plummer Scrooge and the other characters of his novella portrayed by the people who inspired them. This includes how Tiny Tim came from the illness of his nephew Henry Burnett Jr. (the son of his older sister and a popular singer, Fanny, a name also used in A Christmas Carol for Scrooge’s kind sister). Sadly, in reality both Fanny and Henry Jr. would die in 1848 so their being included in the movie feels rather bittersweet.

Most authors do have a way of speaking to their characters or at least being forced to listen to them. However, I’ve yet to have Christopher Plummer show up in my office. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.

Image belongs to Parallel Films and Rhombus Media. Dan Stevens and Christopher Plummer as Dickens and Scrooge respectively

Christmas in Connecticut: Movies about Writing

I know this might seem like a strange choice, but I love this movie and it is technically about a writer. Now, please keep in mind I am talking about the 1945 feel-good-while-there’s-a-war-going-on picture NOT the remake that Arnold Schwarzenegger directed.

This is about a woman name Elizabeth Lane, played by the amazing female icon Barbara Stanwyck. She is such an icon that I can spell her name correctly every time, where as every time I’ve typed “Connecticut” in this blog I’ve needed to double check it. Lane writes a wildly popular home and cooking article for a magazine all about her quaint Connecticut farm life with her husband and new baby. She gives detailed recipes that make cooking sound romantic and fun.

The problem is Elizabeth Lane ACTUALLY lives in an urban apartment, dresses in the latest fashions, does not keep house, does not have a husband or baby, and can’t cook. All of her recipes comes from her Uncle Felix (S.Z. “Cuddles” Sakall) who owns/runs a top-rated restaurant. Quick soap box side note: The movie is from 1945 so of course all of the main characters are white. However, something I noticed as an adult is how the director inserted a little scene of Felix, a Hungarian man who struggles with English at times, goes to his waiter Sam (played by Emmett Smith, an African American actor who spent most of his career playing train porters and jungle tribesmen) for definitions of words he doesn’t understand. Sam gives him an exact definition and origins of the word and I can’t help feeling like this was a little bit of a screw you to the racist standards of the time. Okay, tangent done! Back to the story.

Lane is forced by her publisher (Sydney Greenstreet) to invite himself and a soldier, named in the tradition of WWII propaganda homespun Americana, Jefferson Jones (Dennis Morgan) , to her house for Christmas. Feeling like her job and the job of her editor are at stake, Elizabeth finally accepts the marriage proposal of wealthy architect friend, John Sloan (Reginald Gardiner) who REALLY DOES have a farm in Connecticut. And then the usual comedic foibles take place complete with mixed-up borrowed babies, pancakes on the ceiling, and jokes about a cow’s rump. Through all of this, Elizabeth is falling in love with the soldier, but wants her publisher to think she’s married to Sloan (who keeps trying to sneak a judge into the house so they can be legally married before Christmas).

Images belong to Warner Bros.

As writers go, one thing that stands out to me in this is how all of Elizabeth’s fans remember what she wrote in her column better than she does. She writes for a serialized publication and includes details that even she can’t keep track of for her made-up life. I love this as a writing detail, because first is shows an example of fandom and second it show how writer sometimes can’t remember what they wrote.

There is also how she writes about cooking using her uncle’s recipes. She says that someday she’ll learn to cook and Felix tells her that she won’t like it. He points out that she will discover that it’s not the same as how she writes about it and better to stick with cooking on the typewriter. As far as stereotypes of 40s women go, this is important. She is a writer, not a domestic person, and Felix knows this. He doesn’t try to change her or push her to be the good little woman. He knows that’s she should just keep writing, because real cooking would not make her happy. I associate with this because every time I have to cook anything that takes longer than 20 minutes, I think “I could be using this time for writing. Ug. If only I didn’t need to eat to live. What a waste.”

Barbara Stanwyck at her typewriter