Fable's Antique Road Show #6

Once again, I’m Fable Skelly. Also with me are Todd Mandel and Riley Carter. And this is Todd’s social media project, Fable’s Antiques Roadshow Rip-off. For those of you listening to this as a podcast, be glad because I haven’t eaten yet. Todd, you promised us pizza. Why after? Ugh. Fine.

Our guest is Mr. Beburg. Let’s see what you have. Woven belt with a gold buckle. Looks 16th century, but in really good shape. Where did you get this? Family heirloom. Interesting. I feel like I’ve seen this belt before. You said your name is Beburg? By any chance does your last name come from where your ancestors were born? Yes. That’s what I was afraid of. Sir, you’ve never tried to put this belt on have you? You did recently. Right. Would you excuse me for a minute.

Todd, I need to you stop recording. Riley, I just found out where all of those nighttime attacks came from. That’s the belt of Peter Stumpp who was a serial killer executed in the 1500s. Why am I so worried? Um. . . because used the belt to turn himself into a wolf and eat people.

Wait. Where did the belt go? Where did Mr. Beburg? Aw crap. Run. Run now. Everyone run! What the hell, Todd? Are you still filming? You know what, just for that, I hope you get eaten first.

Fable's Antique Road Show #5

Welcome again to the failed social media experiment that is this show. As always, I’m the voice of history, Fable Skelly, your host. With me is the twisted mind behind this abomination, Todd Mandel. And in the corner, pretending he’s not listening is Riley Carter, who drove me here.

Here’s the premise. A person brings me something. I look at it and estimate what it is and how old. The usually something bad happens after that.

Today’s guest is Mr. Kanin and he has brought us - Oh wow. This is amazing. This is Apache pottery. Probably a water basket. Extremely old. Probably around . . . Riley, why are you hopping around like that? You’re making Mr. Kanin really nervous. And, oh. Rude! Mr. Kanin, why did you just snatch that out of my hands? I thought you wanted me to take a look at the pottery. Mr. Karin! Where are you going?

Riley! Why are you chasing him? Gah!

Todd, stop yelling your head off and help!

Oh! Careful of the pottery! Todd, if you sit on Mr. Kanin like that he won’t be able to breathe. Yes, Riley! Stop gasping at me. I’m calling the police now.

Hello. Can you come to this house as soon as possible? I think we just caught the man who robbed the Heard Museum last week. Todd, take the phone and give the police the address.

What’s that, Riley? Yes. This show is getting out of hand.

Fable's Antique Road Show #4

Welcome again to Todd Mandel’s social media attempt. If you are watching this then you can probably guess that I’m not Todd and if you are listening to this on the podcast, I’ll just clarify for you that I’m the host, Fable Skelly, not Todd. And this is a really weird idea where I look at people’s old junk and tell them what I know so they can hope for a cash payout from some other organization with money.

But not your item, Mrs. . . . Doe, was it? I’m sure you’ve brought us something that’s not junk. For those of your watching this, you might be confused by me talking to a space off camera. Our Mrs. Doe has chosen not to be filmed. Or seen apparently. Where did you find that hat with a veil? I didn’t think they made those any longer?

Oh! Okay. I will mind my own business. Fine. Rude. But I guess fair, since I was rude first. Let’s get this over with. What did you bring us. Oh! Oh, wow. This is worth something? This is what is generally known as a poison ring, probably from the seventeenth century and it’s in excellent shape. The stone doesn’t even have any wear and the hinge that open still works. The little chamber under the stone is pretty filthy. Some kind of dust in there, I think. But know, these rings usually weren’t used for poison. Most of the time people kept religious relics or bit of hair of a loved one and-

What’s that Mrs. Doe? You want to know what the dust is inside this one? I’m not a chemist. I’m a teenage girl. Okay. No need for name calling. Yes, it might be leftover poison or it could be powder from a piece of saint bone or it could just be dust.

Mrs. Doe, you seem to be very interested in the killing properties of this ring and you’ve come to us under an assumed name AND you’ve covered your face. Forgive me for being blunt, however, could it be that you’re planning a murder?

Oh! Also rude. That’s a lot of swearing. Todd, can we have all that swearing on this? Oh, we’re live so it can’t be helped. Okay.

Oh and she’s gone. Yes, I suppose we should call the police. At least she left behind the ring with the Cantarella in it. Oh! Of course it’s a poison. I do know my poisons, but Mrs. Doe didn’t need to know that.

Fable's Antique Road Show #3

Todd, stop waving your hand at me like that! It’s rude! Fine so we’re filming. So what? Riley, don’t frown at me like that. I’m just doing this to get extra credit in history class. Ugh! Fine. Hi. Hello. Welcome to another episode of what is clearly a stolen concept. I’m your host, Fable Skelly, the teenager who knows weirdly too much about old stuff for reasons I can’t say on the air. With me are the shows creator, producer, director, and editor, Todd Mandel, Mr. Richie, our guest for this episode, and Riley Carter, who is my ride.

Mr. Richie, what did you bring for us today? I know you said on the phone that it’s been in your family since they came over as colonists in the 1700s and you still use it regularly today for green beans at Thanksgiving. Let’s see . . . Oh my.

For those of you listening to this on the podcast, Mr. Richie has just presented a deep pewter bowl with a small handle and he is correct. It is from the eighteenth century. However, my first note is this. Stop putting food in a pewter dish. It’s really not healthy.

Didn’t your ancestors put food in it? Nope probably not. By this time, a lot of people had rediscovered how harmful lead poisoning is. Yes. I said lead poisoning. That’s what pewter is.

But you also probably don’t want to be eating out of this because it’s a bleeding dish. Nope. For human blood. Doctors used to think that in order to make a sick person well, you had balance the liquids in the body and get rid of infected blood. If they weren’t using leeches, doctors would cut open your arm, lay it on a dish like this, and just let you bleed out of a while. Why do you look so green?

Todd? Riley? Why are you looking at me like that too? It’s not like this shit was my idea. I’m just telling you what it was used for. This was a normal part of life. A horrible, horrible, normal part of life. Why do you think the age expectancy was so low? It’s not just because people didn’t eat their veggies!

But, good news for you, Mr. Richie. This is probably worth something. Oh. You need to clean out some of this green bean residue first. Doesn’t your family wash dishes after Thanksgiving?

Fable's Antiques Roadshow #1

Let’s get this over with. I’m Fable Skelly and this is some sort of antique show rip-off produced by teenagers. I am your host, Ms. I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here, and only feeling comfortable because public television doesn’t have the money to sue us. I have been volun-told into the role host because I’m the only one of us with an A in history (and I’m the only one who has actually lived through 3,000 years of history). Oh, you heard me say that last part? That was a joke. Obviously, a joke.

Today’s object being presented by Mrs. McGlory, neighbor to my friend Riley and a woman I have never been properly introduced to. Even now as I’m sitting her across from her and the camera rolls, no one has bothered to actually introduce her. And now my friend Todd is giving me the director’s glare so . . . moving on.

Mrs. McGlory, welcome to . . . whatever this is. Please do not let Todd whispering about lighting bother you. You look great and this lighting he’s created using hunting spotlight is not blinding me at all. And what have you brought for us to appraise today?

Oh. It’s an old bucket. I can tell you right now that is indeed a rather rusty bucket, probably from the late 1800s or early 1900s. This model was probably purchased locally and. . . What was that, Mrs. McGlory? You want to know about what’s inside the bucket? No problem. Let me just reach my hand in here and -

Ew! Gross. That’s an old corncob with - yep, some scraps from a farmer’s almanac. I need hand sanitizer. No, really, Todd, now or I’m going to throw up. Riley? Someone give me a wet wipe or something?

Thank you! Gross. Just gross.

Sorry, Mrs. McGlory, for the disgust. I assume you had family who were farmers or lived in a rural community? Yes. That’s what I thought. What you have here is essentially toilet paper for people who couldn’t afford toilet paper. No. I am not joking. To be perfectly fact with you your great-grandparents probably wiped their rear-end clean with that with that corn cob and threw it into the bucket when done. Now my question is, why the hell would they keep this for generations?

You still want to know if it’s worth anything? Not unless you want to get dna samples. Can I suggest throwing this away now?

And that’s, dear viewers, was pointless. Till Todd’s next social media streaming experiment, I’m Fable Skelly and this is a total waste of my time