Fable's Antique Road Show #6

Once again, I’m Fable Skelly. Also with me are Todd Mandel and Riley Carter. And this is Todd’s social media project, Fable’s Antiques Roadshow Rip-off. For those of you listening to this as a podcast, be glad because I haven’t eaten yet. Todd, you promised us pizza. Why after? Ugh. Fine.

Our guest is Mr. Beburg. Let’s see what you have. Woven belt with a gold buckle. Looks 16th century, but in really good shape. Where did you get this? Family heirloom. Interesting. I feel like I’ve seen this belt before. You said your name is Beburg? By any chance does your last name come from where your ancestors were born? Yes. That’s what I was afraid of. Sir, you’ve never tried to put this belt on have you? You did recently. Right. Would you excuse me for a minute.

Todd, I need to you stop recording. Riley, I just found out where all of those nighttime attacks came from. That’s the belt of Peter Stumpp who was a serial killer executed in the 1500s. Why am I so worried? Um. . . because used the belt to turn himself into a wolf and eat people.

Wait. Where did the belt go? Where did Mr. Beburg? Aw crap. Run. Run now. Everyone run! What the hell, Todd? Are you still filming? You know what, just for that, I hope you get eaten first.

Fable's Antique Road Show #5

Welcome again to the failed social media experiment that is this show. As always, I’m the voice of history, Fable Skelly, your host. With me is the twisted mind behind this abomination, Todd Mandel. And in the corner, pretending he’s not listening is Riley Carter, who drove me here.

Here’s the premise. A person brings me something. I look at it and estimate what it is and how old. The usually something bad happens after that.

Today’s guest is Mr. Kanin and he has brought us - Oh wow. This is amazing. This is Apache pottery. Probably a water basket. Extremely old. Probably around . . . Riley, why are you hopping around like that? You’re making Mr. Kanin really nervous. And, oh. Rude! Mr. Kanin, why did you just snatch that out of my hands? I thought you wanted me to take a look at the pottery. Mr. Karin! Where are you going?

Riley! Why are you chasing him? Gah!

Todd, stop yelling your head off and help!

Oh! Careful of the pottery! Todd, if you sit on Mr. Kanin like that he won’t be able to breathe. Yes, Riley! Stop gasping at me. I’m calling the police now.

Hello. Can you come to this house as soon as possible? I think we just caught the man who robbed the Heard Museum last week. Todd, take the phone and give the police the address.

What’s that, Riley? Yes. This show is getting out of hand.

Fable's Antiques Roadshow #1

Let’s get this over with. I’m Fable Skelly and this is some sort of antique show rip-off produced by teenagers. I am your host, Ms. I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here, and only feeling comfortable because public television doesn’t have the money to sue us. I have been volun-told into the role host because I’m the only one of us with an A in history (and I’m the only one who has actually lived through 3,000 years of history). Oh, you heard me say that last part? That was a joke. Obviously, a joke.

Today’s object being presented by Mrs. McGlory, neighbor to my friend Riley and a woman I have never been properly introduced to. Even now as I’m sitting her across from her and the camera rolls, no one has bothered to actually introduce her. And now my friend Todd is giving me the director’s glare so . . . moving on.

Mrs. McGlory, welcome to . . . whatever this is. Please do not let Todd whispering about lighting bother you. You look great and this lighting he’s created using hunting spotlight is not blinding me at all. And what have you brought for us to appraise today?

Oh. It’s an old bucket. I can tell you right now that is indeed a rather rusty bucket, probably from the late 1800s or early 1900s. This model was probably purchased locally and. . . What was that, Mrs. McGlory? You want to know about what’s inside the bucket? No problem. Let me just reach my hand in here and -

Ew! Gross. That’s an old corncob with - yep, some scraps from a farmer’s almanac. I need hand sanitizer. No, really, Todd, now or I’m going to throw up. Riley? Someone give me a wet wipe or something?

Thank you! Gross. Just gross.

Sorry, Mrs. McGlory, for the disgust. I assume you had family who were farmers or lived in a rural community? Yes. That’s what I thought. What you have here is essentially toilet paper for people who couldn’t afford toilet paper. No. I am not joking. To be perfectly fact with you your great-grandparents probably wiped their rear-end clean with that with that corn cob and threw it into the bucket when done. Now my question is, why the hell would they keep this for generations?

You still want to know if it’s worth anything? Not unless you want to get dna samples. Can I suggest throwing this away now?

And that’s, dear viewers, was pointless. Till Todd’s next social media streaming experiment, I’m Fable Skelly and this is a total waste of my time