Dear Azra,

My best friend is usually a really easy going person. She’s smart and funny and kind. However, since she got engaged, she’s changed for the worse. This wedding has made her crazy. As her maid of honor, she’s forbidden me from losing or gaining any weight until after the wedding and has created a strict diet plan for me to follow. That’s not all. She has actually petitioned the church to allow the priest to wear a hideous burnt orange so that he will match the general color scheme. Currently, she is making a list of dos and don’ts for the guests to put in the envelopes with the invitations. If she doesn’t get her way, watch out! There’s a chance she will physically hurt you. She’s already scared off or fired three wedding planners. The whole wedding party is terrified of her, including her soon to be husband. How can we get our easy going friend back?

Bridezilla’s Bestie

I really hate to break it to you, Bestie, but your friend is gone. Let me give you some background. Wedding experts have reported a startlingly steady rise in the Bridezilla phenomena in the last few decades. Some think that whoever becomes Bridezilla is cursed. Others think it’s a sort of instinctual rebellion against marriage. All I know is that it’s best to be outside of striking distance.

The change in the bride comes almost as soon as the big question is popped and a ring is presented. While the change may not be immediately recognizable, it is instantaneous.

According to the latest scientific studies, these crazy behaviors are irreversible once the wedding happens. These traits will then stay with the bride throughout her married life.

The only way to for sure get your friend back is to sabotage the wedding.

Yes, you heard me right, stop the wedding to save your friend from a life time of micromanagement and horrible behavior choices. It’s best for everyone involved that the wedding does not take place. It’s not enough just to quit, you’ve got to save the wedding party and the guests too. It’s your duty as maid of honor.

Do everything you can to put an end to the madness; sleep with the groom, don’t send out the invitations, set fire to the venue, lose the rings, kidnap the bride right before the ceremony. However you do it, just stop the wedding by any means possible. Your friend will thank you once it is all over.

If you are unsuccessful at putting an end to the nuptials, then take time to mourn your friend because she’s never coming back.

Best of Luck!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

The key to being a success at parenting is knowing how to control your offspring. There are several effective methods of control and we will, over time, explore many of those throughout this blog series.

Right now, though, we are here to discuss the benefits of a little something I like to call Voodoo and the Witch doctors that practice it. Voodoo is a real, viable manner in which to control your little monster. One of their hallmark moves is mind control so that the controlled person is more or less a zombie bending to your will.

Now, angels have the ability to do this already (what, do you think they can possess humans only if they are demons? Please. Demons are angels. More on that later.), but humans being able to mind control each other is a massive breakthrough. It is in your best interest to use all tools available to you if you want to succeed as a parent.

Don’t know the first thing about creating a Voodoo zombie? That’s alright. I’ve got some awesome tips to help you along your zombifying way.

· Don’t know where to start? Your friendly neighborhood Witch Doctor can help you out. While each Witch Doctor is different, they are all attracted to the infamous song “Witch Doctor”. You know it; the one that goes “Oo ee oo ah ah, ching chang walla walla bing bang.” Preferably use the chipmunk version. They will be drawn to you like ants to sugar.

· Your Witch Doctor will give you a list of ingredients to come up with if you want your spell. I cannot stress enough how you should get EXACTLY what they want. If you cut corners on your zombie ingredients, you will get a sub-par hold on the mind of your little ankle biter. That is no fun for anyone and would most likely be the origination of the zombie apocalypse. Don’t be that asshole.

· When you do have mental control over your offspring, practice first. You don’t want to go out in public and have your hold slip. That would be bigger than the tantrum you were trying to prevent in the first place.

· Sometimes your spawn will know you’ve been mucking about in their head. If they catch on, you can use it as an effective deterrent to bad behavior without having to resort to the Voodoo spell. Example: “No, Timmy, you cannot bathe in the glitter glue. Don’t ask again or I will Voodoo zombie you so fast your head will spin.”

· Be sure your little terror doesn’t bite anyone while they are under the influence. I understand Voodoo zombies are not the same as Walking Dead zombies, but better safe than sorry. Again. Don’t be that asshole.

Happy Head Shrinking!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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