Controlling Your Child Part 3: Using Hollywood to Terrify Your Spawn

October 10, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

The key to being a success at parenting is knowing how to control your offspring. There are several effective methods of control and we will, over time, explore many of those throughout this blog series.

Today we are exploring the possibilities of controlling your offspring through fear. Not just any old fear. Genuinely manufactured Hollywood fear. While there is a lot to be said for being the reason your kid wets the bed, it is so much more intelligent to let Hollywood provide the scary monster. Why? It’s simple, if you are the terrifying factor, then you won’t get your offspring to do anything but stand there trembling in fright. However, if something else is the fear-provoking element, then you would wield the ability to use that element for your advantage.

Let’s use the recent remake of the classic IT as an example. The invention of Pennywise is absolutely genius! With just a bit of stage make up, a red balloon and a decent sewer system, you can set up a never ending scare-fest for your little pants wetter. The mere threat of a clown appearance will be enough to ensure your offspring is the picture of perfect kid behavior.

In order to make this process the most effective, you need to do a bit of research on the latest Hollywood monster craze. You also need to make sure you know your spawn’s deepest darkest fears. The obvious way to do that is to force them to watch every horror film ever created. Something is bound to scare them. The best way to make sure is to expose them to such carefully crafted tales is to make them watch while they are young.

As soon as you know what will induce their nightmares, then it is a simple process of subtly insinuating that object of fear into your child’s everyday life. Again with the IT example; leave random red balloons in your spawn’s bedroom. Stick a pair of battery operated yellow eyes into the air vents. Have a recorded clown voice evilly laughing play whenever your child is in the shower. When the kid cries about it, then all you have to do is tell them they are silly. Tell them they are imagining it, but also allude to the fact that if their behavior wasn’t so wretched, then their imagination wouldn’t be taking them down such a dark path. That’s right. Tell them they are crazy, but they are at the same time responsible for their hallucinations that aren’t really hallucinations. It’s a clever plan that will yield amazing results.

Scare their pants off!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Controlling Your Child Part 2: Parental Guilt; The Double Edge Sword

May 16, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Today, we are going to discuss the mother of all controlling mechanisms. It’s the time honored, most effective means of making your kid do what you want- Parental Guilt.

If you are a human and had parents, it is likely that you have been a victim of parental guilt and you have done something you didn’t really want to do because your parental unit made you feel terrible until you did it. The Guilt is a masterful stroke of childrearing. The best part is that it’s a universal tool for controlling your child. No matter what the situation, the Guilt can be used to make it go your way.

Learning how to execute the Guilt is a whole other ballgame than being the recipient of it. Now, since I am neither human, nor had a parental figure micromanage me enough to try the Guilt, all of the tips I am about to dispense are from my years of observing human interaction. You humans are ingenious for thinking up such a tactic as the Guilt. I salute you.

1. The best instances of the Guilt are when the victim doesn’t even realize there is a guilt trip happening. The insinuations are so subtle and the guilt so pervasive that it almost seems like it is the victims make up their minds themselves. To achieve this is truly an art form. You have to be subtle. You have to be crafty and not make it fully apparent the thing you want your victim to do. You have to make it seem like it was their own idea. This level of ingenuity is usually attained the older the human gets. Grandmothers are the masters.

2. The shame motivated Guilt. This is one of the more easily achieved forms of parental guilt, though it does require the victim to be a little older so that they “know better”. Usually that is the key phrase to evoke the trip: “You know better than that.” If you add in a disappointed face or a strategically placed tsk, it really adds to it.

3. Making it all about you. More specifically, making the choices your offspring make directly affect you, even if they don’t. This is the classic form of parental guilt. Example: “How could you do this to me? You know that everything you do is a direct reflection on me! Why do you want to treat your family in such a way?”

4. The silent guilt. This is perfected when all you have to do is give your offspring a certain look. the hardest part is to maintain your silence, though, depending on the verbiage you use, it can help your case. Refuting your obvious upsetness and also stating over and over again, “I’m not saying anything.”

If you want to get ambitious, you can also combine these techniques to customize the parental guilt experience for your spawn. Just be careful; kids are quick and they will use your own techniques against you. Be prepared to battle as much as you dish out.

Remember, if it isn’t going to cost hundreds in thousands of dollars in therapy for your offspring later on, you’re not doing it right.

Happy Guilt Tripping!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Controlling Your Child Part 1: Voodoo, Witch Doctors & Their Place In Parenting

April 18, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Right now, though, we are here to discuss the benefits of a little something I like to call Voodoo and the Witch doctors that practice it. Voodoo is a real, viable manner in which to control your little monster. One of their hallmark moves is mind control so that the controlled person is more or less a zombie bending to your will.

Now, angels have the ability to do this already (what, do you think they can possess humans only if they are demons? Please. Demons are angels. More on that later.), but humans being able to mind control each other is a massive breakthrough. It is in your best interest to use all tools available to you if you want to succeed as a parent.

Don’t know the first thing about creating a Voodoo zombie? That’s alright. I’ve got some awesome tips to help you along your zombifying way.

· Don’t know where to start? Your friendly neighborhood Witch Doctor can help you out. While each Witch Doctor is different, they are all attracted to the infamous song “Witch Doctor”. You know it; the one that goes “Oo ee oo ah ah, ching chang walla walla bing bang.” Preferably use the chipmunk version. They will be drawn to you like ants to sugar.

· Your Witch Doctor will give you a list of ingredients to come up with if you want your spell. I cannot stress enough how you should get EXACTLY what they want. If you cut corners on your zombie ingredients, you will get a sub-par hold on the mind of your little ankle biter. That is no fun for anyone and would most likely be the origination of the zombie apocalypse. Don’t be that asshole.

· When you do have mental control over your offspring, practice first. You don’t want to go out in public and have your hold slip. That would be bigger than the tantrum you were trying to prevent in the first place.

· Sometimes your spawn will know you’ve been mucking about in their head. If they catch on, you can use it as an effective deterrent to bad behavior without having to resort to the Voodoo spell. Example: “No, Timmy, you cannot bathe in the glitter glue. Don’t ask again or I will Voodoo zombie you so fast your head will spin.”

· Be sure your little terror doesn’t bite anyone while they are under the influence. I understand Voodoo zombies are not the same as Walking Dead zombies, but better safe than sorry. Again. Don’t be that asshole.

Happy Head Shrinking!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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