Aquarius
(Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your sadness is getting everyone down. Knock it off already.
Leo (Jun 23 – Aug 22)
People are stupid for not listening to you. You know everything Why can’t they realize that?
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Things are starting to move! Hold on for the ride and take Dramamine.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Time to rearrange the house. Throw out all of the old furniture and go into debt for new stuff.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
All this talk will eventually lead to action. Watch the words coming out of your mouth
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
The succubi infecting your dreams is almost fully manifested. A little while longer and they will be fully physical!
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
It’s time to become the activist you always wanted to be! Chat up Aries for some direction.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Your protective side is coming out. Woe to anyone who minorly inconveniences one of your acquaintances.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
The demons aren’t talking to you anymore. It was definitely something you said. You should make amends.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Some people tend to be bossy. Don’t let them boss you around! You should be telling them what’s what.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Help the idiots that surround you today. Just this once. It’ll probably go smoother for you.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Your dreams are super important this week. You MUST remember them! Your life depends on it!
* I wish it went without saying that this is a work of fiction. Please do not take it seriously.