I Remember Mama: Movies about Writing

I’m not going to go into all of this 1948 family drama, because not all of it is about writing. It is based on a real writer though. Kathyrn Forbes wrote the series of short stories about her mother and their Norwegian -American family in turn-of-the-century San Fransisco. The movie is a further fictionalized version of these stories.

The movie opens with the narrator, eldest daughter Katrin (Barbara Bel Geddes), finishing typing her first novel on a 1910s typewriter. She then sits down an immediately and starts editing with a pencil. Editing directly after writing! I wish I had that kind of discipline!!!

Besides dramatic Katrin, the immediate family includes Mama (Irene Dunn in an Oscar nominated performance), Papa, and three other children (kind Nels, stubborn Christine, and animal loving Dagmar). The patriarch of the whole clan is Mama’s loud and alcoholic Uncle Chris (Oscar Homolka) who is the only person that can put Mama’s three silly sisters in their place.

The movie focuses on the many trials of an immigrant family attempting to financially and culturally survive in a big city. Everyone works odd jobs, but Mama and Papa also has a great deal of focus on making sure their children are well educated. Katrin tells of how one lodger the family had, Mr. Hyde, would read to them every night from great works of literature and it made her want to be a writer. She tried writing an honest story about Uncle Chris, but her teacher scolds her about writing a rude story. Still, these books are what inspire her to want to write, even after Mr. Hyde abandons the house without paying his rent leaving the book collection as the only compensation he has to give.

If I was Katrin, I would have written about Uncle Chris too. He is very much larger than life and yet a very realistic character. While all the children are afraid of him, he’s actually one of the nicest people in the family. He also breaks with tradition and does good for the sake of doing good not for praise. Beyond Chris, Mama is the only logical and open minded member of the clan. When the rest of the aunts want to snub “the woman”, Uncle Chris’s live-in housekeeper, Mama is the one who is still kind to this unmarried lady.

Most stories are about how the actions of the adults around her, especially Mama, effect Katrin as she grows up. Her mantra is, “If I’m going to be a writer then I have to experience everything.” My favorite is when everyone thinks little Dagmar’s beloved cat is going to die from a brawl and the girl begs her mama to make him better. Spoiler alert: Mama and Papa gives the cat chloroform to put him down peacefully, but accidentally don’t use enough. Instead, the cat gets enough rest that he heals and Dagmar grows up believing that Mama can fix anything. I’m not crying! You’re crying!

Alright, let’s get to the parts about Katrin wanting to be writer. At first, she is convinced that someday she will be rich and famous. But as she gets older and her first attempts at selling her work go as they usually do for first time authors, Katrin loses confidence. She tells her mother that writing isn’t like following a recipe - you have to have a gift. Mama responds that you have to have a talent for cooking too and that’s what she uses to get her daughter some good advice. When a celebrity writer arrives in San Francisco and Mama finds out that she’s also a celebrated chef, she makes a trade with the woman - allow the woman to have her recipe for Norwegian meatballs in exchange for the lady reading some of Katrin’s stories. The famed authoress sends usual words of wisdom “write what you know.” She also says that Katrin has the gift of writing and will be a good writer someday even encouraging her to send her first “good story” to the authoress’s agent. That’s a huge deal for a published author to do!

Mama, of course, tells Katrin to write about Papa as her first topic so naturally, Katrin writes her first story about Mama. It’s published and she gets her first paycheck. In reality, Kathryn Forbes wrote for the radio and did not sell her stories until much later in life, but it’s a nice ending.

Leave Her to Heaven: Movies about Writing

I’ve never read the book this 1945 film is based on, but I bet it’s even a little more sinister since books didn’t have to follow the movie censorship code.

This is another one about muses and obsession, but it’s also about finding happiness and trying to overcome something that was not well understood in the 40s.

So strap in in for Daddy issues meets fiction writing and warning SPOILERS BE AHEAD!!!

Writer Richard Harland (Cornel Wilde) has just been released after 2 years in prison. His friend and lawyer, Glen (Ray Collins) recalls the tragedy that landed a once famed citizen in the slammer. It started when Harlan met Ellen (Gene Tierney) on a trip to New Mexico. Glen introduces Richard to Ellen’s family who are made up of her mother, younger siblings, and a cousin Ruth (Jeanne Crain) raised along Ellen in a strange and strained sisterhood.

Richard is instantly taken with Ellen’s beauty, poise, and how she manages to insult his work not realizing he was the author. And Ellen is fascinated by his resemblance to her beloved and recently departed father. She starts to analyze him based on his novels. “Every book is a confession, my father used to say.” However, he is so swept up in falling in love with Ellen, he sees beyond her unhealthy obsession with her late dad and all of the warnings others in the house try to hint at about her personality. Oh, what a complex Electra she is.

Ellen breaks her engagement with Russell Quinton, a politically minded go-getter who admits he will always be in love with her even when she announces that she’s marrying Richard. Russell is played by Vincent Price, my favorite character actor! If you come to my house you can see my Vincent Price fancy bluray sets, Funko Pops, doll dressed as Dr. Craven from The Raven, and a photo of him choking Alfred Hitchcock. Despite his popularity in horror films, Price used to be a fantastic and debonair “other man” in movies, but my favorites of these are the three he me made with Gene Tierney - Dragonwyck, Laura, and this one. Marathon them, I tell you! Marathon them now! Okay, maybe finish reading this blog first.

After they are married, Richard wants his invalid teenage brother to come live with them and although Ellen has a fondness for Danny, she’s determined to keep the house just between her and Richard. She won’t even hire help for the house, stating that she wants to do it all herself, including helping “Dick” in his writing (mostly because helping him in his writing still puts attention on her). She even suggests that he give up writing and live off her allowance so they can be together all of the time. Dick laughs off the suggestion born of the lovey-dovey early phase of their relationship. They visit Danny and Dick’s family cabin “Back of the Moon” in Maine, bring in Ruth and Ellen’s mother as a surprise. Ellen hates the surprise, especially as Ruth shows more interest in Dick’s writing, and is only somewhat happy when her mother and Ruth leave again, and starts to resent Danny being there on what would be essentially her Honeymoon. Instead of telling Dick this as he’s trying to meet the deadline for his new novel, she quietly lets the feelings fester into a dark anger that leads to tragedy.

After Danny’s Death, Dick and Ellen move back in with Ellen’s mother and Ruth and Dick stops writing for a while due to depression. Only the announcement of a baby bring Dick out of his despair, leading to him and Ruth happily planning for the bundle while the pregnant Ellen scours and pouts, throwing tantrums when they turn her father’s lab into a playroom and growing jealous of the the time her sister gets to spend with Dick while she’s bedridden. Feeling Richard’s love for her slipping away, Ellen purposely loses the baby and going into a spiral of jealousy when she discovers that his latest book is dedicated to Ruth. By the way, the scene where she plans to “accidentally” miscarry proves why Dick was so attracted to her. She is a character out of a novel, all drama and pageantry. She dresses in her best nightgown and makes herself look gorgeous before throwing herself down the stairs. A part of me watches that scene and thinks, “Well she just ruined that nightgown. She’ll never get the blood out of that blue silk.” Maybe my priorities are out of whack, but it was a really pretty outfit.

I’m not going to give away the complete ending, but I will tell you there is a death, a trial, and Vincent Price. Understand that is a story of an author who thinks he marrying the muse he always wanted. Instead, her obsession and passion for him hinders his writing and ruins his life. She interrupts him, takes away all other happiness that is not her, and hates the long hours writing a book takes. Where as in Ruth, he finds a collaborator and friend, despite Ruth being the practical and quiet of the pair of adoptive sisters. Where he thought happiness came from living with an exciting mysterious woman like a character in his books,

Second spoiler alert: The author gets his happy ending, but that’s a part of it. He gets to be happy. He doesn’t HAVE to be a tortured writer to be good.

Doctor Who (Unicorn & Wasp): Movies about Writing

“There’s a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie . . . Isn’t that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn’t go around surrounded by murder, not really. I mean, that’s like meeting Charles Dickens and he’s surrounded by ghosts at Christmas.”

Welcome back to another Doctor Who meets an author episode. I love a good Agatha Christie story. Can’t help it. Even if she was too “British” and imperialist in reality, I can separate her from the books. And in this episode we don’t need worry about that as Christie is presented as no-nonsense and disillusioned with the world as it takes place right after her first husband leaves her (look it up, totally happened). What did not happen was Agatha going to a garden party where a man named Professor Plum is killed in a library by an alien being. That’s right - alien! It is Doctor Who after all!

So - remember to grab your sand shoes and brainy specs for David Tenant romp with the Time Lord and silly companion Donna Noble (Catherine Tate). Let’s round up the suspects!

The cast includes Fenella Wollgar as Christie and Felicity Kendal, Christopher Benjamin, Tom Goodman-Hill, and Oscar nominee Felicity Jones as the list of shady characters who were already on edge because of the rumors of a famed jewel thief known as the Unicorn. While the Doctor and Agatha interview everyone, Donna is very excited to explore the house for clues. Instead, she finds a giant alien wasp.

As more deaths occur, the high class suspects turn to Christie as if her writer’s mind should be able to make all of this just go away. “What would Poirot do?” they ask, insisting that she has to help them. Agatha responds, “I’m just a writer.”

Despite her complete lack of confidence in herself, Christie still find clues and analyzes the people around her with bravery and complete curiosity. She’s depressed due to her crumbling marriage and will not let herself belief she is anything more than a hack writer. I believe this depression to also be true of Christie’s real life counterpart which was why she famously vanished in the midst of her reputation being harmed by her husband’s actions.

She and Donna find a tool kit and realize that the jewel thief the Unicorn is also somewhere in the house, leaving them to wonder the thief and the giant wasp are connected. As any good mystery writer, Christie shows she knows a lot about poisons, 1920s forensics, and the environment around her. The Doctor tells her that the murders mimic one of her books and she knows people so she much become one of her beloved detectives.

I’m not going to give away the end of the mystery, but I will tell you that at the end Agatha Christie is left with no memory of the events at a hotel. And that is where she was when she disappeared for a few days. Right? Right.

Futurama (Yo Leela Leela): Movies about Writing

Ever try to amuse a group of small children? Sucks, doesn’t it.

Clearly Leela, the captain of the delivery crew who are the main characters of this science fiction cartoon piece of comedy genius, was never told his. She goes to the ophanarium where she grew up, the outcast “alien” child with only one eye, in order to volunteer for “Public Domain Story Time” only to discover that the kids had to recently eat any books in the facility. She’s told to make up a story.
”Once upon a time there was uh. . . a one eyed princess in a long flowing tank top. And she lived in a magical one room . . . [castle] . . . if you believe the listing agent. Anyhow, one day the princess . . . went off to . . . uh, tell a story! And then that’s exactly what she did do that. And they all lived happily ever after the end.”

The children immediately express how awful her story was. “That story was bad.” Therefore, Leela is determined to make up a better story and come back. She goes to another planet in order to concentrate (and hopefully find a pen, because she apparently she didn’t have on). When Leela returns to the Orphaniarium, the executives from a children’s TV network is there using the kids as free focus groups and they see her new story.

The children are introduced the magical, musical Rumbledy-Humplings, a group of silly creatures who give morals and lessons in friendship. When her story is a big hit with the kids, Leela is offered a job as a writer for the children’s channel and turns the Rumdbley-Hump into a show. At first, Leela is a little uncertain about the idea as she 1) doesn’t have a degree to write for toddlers and 2) doesn’t really trust the network executive. When Leela says she has to go to her quiet place to write, the exec responds with, “You writers make me sick. Nice job on the script though.

Still, signs on and is given a small budget where the rest of the Planet Express crew she works with play the main characters. The show because a basic cable success and Leela grows into the writing star of toddler universe. At first, Leela uses her fame to donate items to the Orphanrium, but as the sit-com gods do declare the fame goes to her head. The show describes her new personality as a “Lady Gaga-esque fame hag”.

When Leela is told that she still needs to be writing the show’s daily scripts, her response is, “You can’t expect me to write it here with everyone talking so loudly about how great I am. I’m taking the ship to my quiet place. You non-creatives can catch a bus home.”

Then her sometimes boyfriend Fry points out with pain in his voice, “Non-creative! Hat! I’ll have you know I bedazzle my own underwear!” Let that joke sit with you for a moment.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!

I mean, this episode aired in 2011, but you’ve been warned!

Bender, the crew’s drunken thieving lovable robot, falls asleep on the Planet Express ship and accidentally joins Leela in her quiet place - which is to revealed to be the REAL PLANET OF RUMBLEDY-HUMP! GASP! Leela comes clean to Bender that all of the stories are really just her writing down everything the creatures on the planet say. Although proud of her hypocrisy, Bender blackmails Leela. She fine with paying him the money as long as the orphans don’t find out that she’s a fraud.

When one of the orphans shows Leela her own story idea, the “great writer” confesses to stealing her show and takes the orphans to Rumbledy-Hump. The TV exec decides to move the show to the planet and hires the orphans to be the film crew. And Leela objects to how everything works out because she isn’t being punished for her actions.

Is this episode really about advice or experience as a writer? Not really. Was it just an excuse to re-watch Futurama for the billionth time? Maybe.

But as Hedonism Bot would say “I apologize for nothing!”

The Bride Goes Wilds: Movies about Writing

Time for a movie about two big topics of the writing world: marketing and collaboration with an illustrator.

I don’t think I’d ever seen this one before catching it on TCM the other day which is odd since it stars Van Johnson, June Allyson, and Hume Cronyn. I just assumed that late night AMC and TNT in the 90s played every sappy movie starring those three that existed. Also, hey children of my generation! Remember when other channels used to play old movies on late night TV with lots of Campbell’s Soup ads? No. Just me?

Van Johnson plays alcoholic, womanizing children’s author Greg who uses the pen name Uncle Bumps (yes, you read that right) who is considered a genius in his field, but his suffering publisher John McGrath (Cronyn) can’t keep on top of deadlines. McGrath has hired Martha (June Allyson) as Greg’s new illustrator, having had children pick her pictures through a contest. What makes Martha a good children’s artist is that she is an elementary school teacher who understands how children think. I like that they establish that she loves and is good at her day job, but is still is so happy to have the opportunity to be a professional artist.

In case you haven’t figured this out, Greg tries to use the collaboration to seduce Martha. When getting her drunk doesn’t do the trick and has her ready to expose Uncle Bumps as morally reprehensible, McGrath plays on her sympathies by giving Greg a pretend son, (Jackie “Butch” Jenkins) Danny, who he borrows from an orphan’s home. And, as it turns out is true in many cases of famous children’s authors, Greg does not like kids.

By the way, my modern sensibilities got very defensive when Martha expresses that she has a genetic tendency towards alcoholism which is why she is a teetotaler AND HE STILL PLIES HER WITH BRANDY! When she figures it out, she storms out and cries! Cries because she knows she shouldn’t be drunk and because “he blew in her ear”. Date rape and kicking someone off the wagon - gee, wasn’t 1948 swell? Oy.

I was also horrified by Martha’s hometown boyfriend messing with Greg’s typewriter. He pulls out the ribbon and starts hammering at the internal parts with a golf club! It was manslaughter! You leave that beautiful typewriter alone, you comedic hack!

Little Danny is presented as a terror of a child, creating a backstory for Greg’s drinking. The plan backfires when Martha decides that she wants to help mend the relationship between Danny and Greg. In case you haven’t guessed, this is all leading to boy gets girl, boy loses girl, etc.

First off, I was super impressed with the amount of marketing that the publishers did. The movie opens with the lobby/bookstore of the company full of cartoon displays and people dressed up as storybook characters! The opening line is about how “Mother Goose” is getting a raise! Seriously, that is good advertising right there! Few kids can resist costumed characters . . . unless it’s 6 foot tall man dressed as Elmo. Even infants know there’s something just not right in that scenario.

Also, the way that Martha got her job is also a part of a good promotion. They advertised the new Uncle Bumps book by asking for artwork of the title character, The Bashful Bull. The artwork was then judged by children from the local foundling home who fit the age range/reading level. Then they had toy bulls all ready made to go with the unpublished work. Genius, I say! Hood the kids before the book is even written.

Collaboration comes in two forms. First there is the production of illustrations. Martha’s art is a very Disney’s early Silly Symphonies style. They do a good job portraying this with a presentation of rough sketches which the author then describes what he wants and she elaborates. They use good criticism and a balance of ideas. It’s quite a well done scene.

Then there is the inspiration drawn from hanging out with an actual kid. Danny provides Greg with the ideas and play kids enjoy, something more engaging than a lot of alteration and mindless moral tales.

One last thought about this film, but I’ll admit it has nothing to do with writing. The little boys in the movie have suction cup arrows that stick perfectly to everything they hit. THIS IS A MOVIE MAGIC LIE!!! I had plenty of suction cup toys as a kid and they never stuck to anything except the car window and that always got me in trouble.

In a Lonely Place: Movies about Writing

Time for a depressing one, but it’s a good one.

First off, who likes film noir? I do! I do! And who like Humphrey Bogart? Psh. Who doesn’t like Bogey!

In a Lonely Place features Bogart as a Hollywood screenwriter named Dixon Steele struggling to create a big hit as he did in his heyday. Dix is presented as the typical academic artist of the 50s, rather broody and hot tempered balanced with a sarcastic humor and a sickness of the Tinsel Town B.S. Despite being presented as having a certain moral code, Dixon is also revealed to be violent both to men and women. He’s under orders to adapt a popular novel, but the idea of having to read something he considers trash depresses him. He invites a young hatcheck girl who has already read the book to his place simply so she can summarize the novel for him and save him some trouble. And the night is revealed to be exactly that. The young Mildred gives him a dramatic retelling, drinks a ginger ale, then leaves to catch a cab which Dix pays for. Before she goes, they have a talk about her love life, as Mildred broke a date to be at that innocent storytelling event. Dix points out that she’s not in love with her would-be beau.

“Are you a mind reader?”

“Most writers like to think they are.”

Then, poor Mildred ends up murdered and Steele, under suspicion, asks his neighbor to confirm that he never left his apartment after the girl left. Gloria Grahame plays the pretty blonde neighbor Laurel Gray. This is the start of a tense, but passionate relationship between the pair. Between her and the murder, Dix delves into his work for the first time in a decade. Laurel acts as his typist and secretary, making sure he eats and sleeps between hours of writing. I wish I could do that, sit for twelve hours straight, but just sitting for that long messes with my brain. I don’t know how Bogey’s character could do it and write something decent. Maybe that’s why he’s a genius?

Now for some gross trivia. Grahame was married to the film’s director Nicholas Ray. She would eventually leave Ray for . . . his son! There was a marriage between her leaving Ray and marrying junior, but . . . She met this guy when he was a teenage boy. Just creepy.

Okay, I guess I should get back to the film and writer/suspect played by Bogart.

Dix has a friend who is policeman named Nicolai (played by Frank Lovejoy who usually played some kind lawman including in one of my favorite films - House of Wax 1953). Dix explains to Nicolai and his wife how he imagines the killer may have strangled Mildred, a scene which sparks the writer’s imagination and creates a sinister grin on his face. Still, he stands by his innocence stating, “I assure you I could never throw a lovely body from a moving car. My artistic temperament wouldn’t permit it . . . You see, we so-called creative artists have a great respect for cadavers. We treat them with the utmost reverence. Put them in soft beds, lay the out on fur rugs, leave them lying at the foot of a long staircase, but we definitely could never throw them from a moving car as though they were cigarette butts.”

This movie speaks to the idea of the secretive and anti-social personalities that writers can cling to. Dix is viewed as a genius, but a rather sick genius and the question of his role in Mildred’s death becomes the primary theme of the story. Any writer can tell you to steer clear of their browser history, but before the internet, writers got their sources from the horse’s mouth, experience, and observation.

Therefore, when Dix obsessive writing and the realization that he’s being tailed by police begins to effect his mental health, Laurel loses confidence in her resolve that he’s innocent. Violence, anger, and the lack of another suspect let the audience also wonder about Dix. The relationships also bring up interesting points about artistic temperament and how it can effect people surround said artist. There are those who seems to know the best, healthiest boundaries like the cop, those who throw themselves into the artist’s life with little thought to their own mental well being like Laurel, and those who simply don’t get it like some of the actors and other Hollywood big shots portrayed. I’m not going to give away whether he did it or not, but I will say this is a good lesson to all writers. Sometimes anti-social behavior can be . . . complicated.

Simpsons (Diatribe of a Mad Housewife): Movies about Writing

I don’t have to introduce “The Simpsons” right? Okay. Good.

While Homer is being fired once again, Marge takes the kids to a corporate run bookstore where the books are only on the fourth floor according to Lisa (seems legit). Deciding not to watch Bart mock the PHD level employees, Marge goes to a book reading by one of her favorite romance authors.

She asks the author about writing, which I have to say is an interesting scene. First the woman brags about her degree in writing from Yale, but follows it up with encouragement that anyone could be a writer. Huh. She’s a nice collegiate. Marge asks, “If I write a novel, will they tell me when it comes out?”

“They should,” replies the baffled author.

And thus Marge makes Homer watch the kids while she starts a novel about a whaling town, the first chapter of which is entitled “Starts and Beginnings.” She writes a sentence then has a brownie break.

WAIT! Writing is supposed to come with brownie breaks! WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!!!!!!

At first, Marge writes about a 19th century family whose patriarch is a handsome, thoughtful whaler who looks like a fit Homer. Then Homer comes home and acts like . . . well, Homer. This inspires Marge to change the husband of the novel into a “brute” who is terrible at his job and makes out with the mermaid on the front of his ship. And the hero of the story is instead modeled after the kind and muscular neighbor Ned Flanders.

Image property of Fox . . or Disney I can’t keep up!

Marge finishes writing and “dares to push print” without even editing it first. This aggravates me. What a waste of a paper (unless edits are happening on the paper first then being typed into the word document). Of course, she doesn’t edit it, nor does the publishers because it’s pointed out that the main character’s name changes to Marge for a part of the story. She presents the suggestive romance novel to her 8 year old daughter for judgement (I know what I just typed, but it’s the Simpsons - okay!). Lisa is torn because she both jealous that her mother wrote a novel before she did and worries that it’s a little too critical of Homer. Still, she giver Marge words of encouragement and the book is published. Just. Like. That. Reality be damned!

Homer promises to read all 286 pages before the book is printed, but he never makes it beyond the first paragraph. Then, when everyone else reads it and realizes that the characters are based on Homer, Marge, and Ned, Homer is humiliated and hurt. Marge is mostly annoyed that he didn’t actually read the book (and busy with her terrible reviews).

SPOILER ALERT!

It’s assumed that Homer will kill Flanders for being the imaginary hunk in Marge’s novel, but instead he begs Ned to give him advise on being a better husband. Homer and Marge then decide to try writing a novel about the JFK assassination together which at least they were doing research. Research that Marge probably didn’t do for her first novel other than looking up that Nantucket is an island.

Maybe it’s a good idea not to make your book obviously about people in your life. Just sayin’.

Titles that We Need to Bring Back (Copy)

There are positions and labels which have faded from use or common cultural recognition. However, as the modern world is. . . what it is, some of these terms really need to be brought back into circulation. Here are 5 I think would hold up well in today’s society.

5. Badger

This one is pretty self-explanatory once you know the history behind it. In early modern Europe anyone who bought food from farmers to re-sell it at market was called a badger (or sometimes bagger). You had to be licensed to do this to make sure you weren’t just trying to make money off other people’s work.  So many possibilities for this one, not just as a double meaning for people from Wisconsin. Think of all of the jobs which are a way to make money from someone else’s labor and how they badger you to buy. Makes sense, right.

4. Lector

In the 1930s, some businesses who wanted to keep their workers from striking hired lectors to read aloud and break up the monotony. No, seriously this was a thing. . . that didn’t really work (see Tampa cigar makers’ strike of 1931). But wouldn’t it be a fabulous title to bring back? That guy who always reads out “interesting” Facebook articles to the whole of the breakroom would no longer be annoying – he would be the “lector”.

3. Reeve

Feudalism produced all sorts of ways to give the illusion of representation and a say in one’s community, while still making certain that all people adhere to their place in the time period. A reeve was like the communicator between the peasants and the nobles who made sure the farms ran smoothly. Reeves were also peasants themselves who had been given a position of power. What if we started to call the heads of homeowners’ associations reeves? I feel this would fully encompass some of their out-of-date priorities. And we could always jokingly refer to them as “reavers” like the mutant killers from Firefly.

2. Bard

I want to be called a bard. I feel this would better explain my financial status as a writer in a more romantic way. When you tell people you are a musician or author, their gaze withers to pity and then they watch you buy the next round of drinks as if you are so brave. If you tell them they that you are a bard, people will either scratch their head and pretend to know what that is or give you a solemn nod of reverence before you continue your travels.

1. Berserker

This is a term for a Norse warrior who fought in a “trance-like state” which turned them into both a fearsome and a completely insane fighter. Clearly, this trance-like state could be applied to many in the modern world. Instead of just crunching numbers and imputing information mindlessly, you could do so with furious bad-ass-ittude! You would be the Berserker of the office and all would revere you!

Love Notes to the Reasons I am Not Getting any Writing Done This Week (Copy)

To the vacuum cleaner - you suck!

To the dishes in the sink - you make me feel dirty.

To the laundry – you mock me with many mismatched socks and symbols of oppression aka pants!

To the cats – you are so fluffy, I’m gonna die!

To the TV – why can’t I quit you?

Repost of In Defense of Eros and Psyche (Copy)

Brief History: Originally written down in the 2nd Century CE (Common Era) by a Roman philosopher, this myth is the tale of how Aphrodite’s jealousy caused her to gain a daughter-in-law. The Goddess of Love ordered her son Eros (also known as Cupid, before he was drawn as a Cherub with a diaper) to make certain a young beauty named Psyche married the most hideous man Eros could find. Instead, Eros was careless (meaning he did it on purpose) and scratched himself with an arrow, resulting in his own love and marriage of Psyche. However, being a stuck-up god, Eros believed that a marriage between himself and a mortal could never work with 100% honesty. So, he only met with Psyche in the dark, informing her that if she ever looked upon him in the light he would leave. As always happens in this story, she is manipulated into holding a candle over Eros. Seeing that her husband was hella hot, Psyche got careless and dripped wax on him. Eros left her and in order to win him back she had to perform a series of tasks. The last task, a trap set by Aphrodite, resulted in Psyche’s death. Eros, having seen how sorry, brave, and determined his wife had been, appealed to Zeus to grant her immortality. And so Psyche was reborn as a goddess.

Analysis:  So Eros is the embodiment of love (real love, not the mind games his mom played on men) and Psyche is the embodiment of the soul. The story is literally the marriage of heart and soul. It’s not just a jazz song the middle school kids learn at piano lessons.

Blame It on the Victorians: Victorians loves literature where women are punished for being curious or independent. Have I mentioned this before? I feel like I’ve mentioned this before. Although really it was the poets of the 19th century who felt the need to retell the story over and over again. Instead of the Victorians, it’s actually medieval monks who got their (I’m sure) grubby hands on this story and tried to turn it into a tale about punishment for (gasp) physical love. Psyche being seduced by her husband is the loss of soul in women instead of redemption of the original myth. 

Last  thoughts: This might have been a bit of a ploy to advertise an upcoming FSF project… just saying.

The Superstition Mountains and the Elvis Chapel (Copy)

East of Phoenix is the mountain range of legend. A place of Apache legend, lost gold, and Elvis. 

The Superstitions were once thought by the Apaches to contain a hole to the underworld (which may be why a retirement community was built so close to it). The range is beautiful and popular with hikers, for reasons I will never get. People die or disappear on those hikes all the time. I think it’s the rattlesnakes. They’re more devious than people realize. 

Okay, it’s probably not the rattlesnakes. It’s probably the ghost. That’s right - I said ghost.  

The most famous tale of the mountains (and the main reason so many people get lost up there) is that of the Lost Dutchman Mine. Jacob Waltz (who was German not Dutch but whatever) died in 1891 claiming her had discovered a crud-ton of gold in them thar hills. Gold which no one has ever found. Dun dun duuuuuunnnnn! 

This story is so popular that there is an entire pioneer museum dedicated to it. Okay, the museum is really about the history/geology of the mountains, must most people go for the Lost Dutchman exhibit or the Elvis Chapel.

I kid you not. The museum includes several buildings and equipment from the mining town days of Apache Junctuon, this little white church was moved to the museum strictly because of the role it played in the film Charro! If you go, you may pray as much as you wish to a cardboard cutout of the King of Rock and Roll. If you show true reverence he may grant you a pair of new blue suede shoes.

Both the mountains and the Chapel will play a roll in a new upcoming book from FSF Publications .

In Defense of Columbia (Copy)

Brief History: This isn’t really a story, just a character. Before Uncle Sam, the United States (and originally the Americas) was personified by a goddess-like woman called Columbia. The first time she appeared was in a poem by Phillis Wheatley in which Columbia is guiding George Washington into victory. Washington loved the poem so much he bought multiple copies. In the 19th century, paintings and political cartoons depicted Columbia in her flowing gown and stars in her hair leading pioneers across the plains or protecting Southern African Americans from Confederates. In the 20th century, Columbia stood with Uncle Sam in favor of imperialism and World War I. By World War II, Uncle Sam had taken center stage and Rosie the Riveter was the representation of women doing their part. Now, the only place you really see Columbia is the Columbia Pictures Logo and Uncle Sam rules as champion of the U.S. personification. 

Analysis: Phillis Wheatley’s use of Columbia as a woman/goddess instead of just another name for America shouldn’t really be a surprise. Wheatley was an enslaved woman who had been taught Greek and Roman classics before the owners  set her free (that’s right, they highly educated her then set her free which was illegal in some colonies). Wheatley used her intelligence to be a best selling writer. So why not represent the new country as a strong woman?

Blame it on the Imperialists: When the U.S. started to join European countries in the controlling of smaller countries, Columbia and Uncle Sam were the mom and dad who had adopted countries like Puerto Rico and Samoa. These children countries were usually drawn in the most racist ways possible with crooked teeth and wild stares. Meanwhile, Columbia is the loving mother. That was her primary role. She was the guardian and care giver. If you did was America wanted of you then America would take care of you. WWI used her as a symbol of what you were protecting if you went to war, but by WWII they needed everyone to be as active as they could be. It was decided that a motherly goddess could not accomplish that. 

Final Thoughts: Anyone else think the Columbia Pictures logo look like Annette Benning?

New Girl (Tuesday Meeting & Lillypads): Movies about Writing

This brings us to the end of the “New Girl” blogs by looking at two episodes from the final season. The season takes place three years later with Nick and Jess returning from a European book tour, Cece and Schmidt raising a precocious girl named Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt, and Aly and Winston are pregnant (which makes Aly very grumpy).

In the episode Tuesday Meeting, Nick is in the middle of a writer’s block. His latest book is not meeting with the high standards expected by his publishing company, but he’s trying to cover that up with new social media shots and using a great deal of fake confidence. All of this bravado is replaced by Nick burning his manuscript after his editor tells him to start a new series.

Nick and Winston run into Schmidt whose daughter hasn’t slept in days, meaning Schmidt and Cece haven’t slept in days. Nick is in search of new ideas outside of the Pepperwood Chronicles. The friends try to rebuild his inspiration by telling Nick that he wrote good quotes in his idea notebooks when really they stole the first thing they found from the Communist Manifesto.

In a Three Men and a Baby moment, they all work for hours trying to get Ruth to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Jess and Cece are going to a lunch where CeCe keeps falling asleep and Jess is considering leaving her new job because it’s nothing but busy work. Nick tries to tell Ruth a story at her request and he starts giving colorful versions of childhood memories. He decides that this will be his new book.

In Lillypads, the main plot is a delightful romp of attempting to get Ruth into a prestigious preschool. Seriously, this whole thing is a brilliantly written example of how amusing yet terrifying children can be.

Nick’s plot line involves him going to the bar that he used to own in order to write. In order to meet his deadline, he hired a man to punch him in the face if he doesn’t have 20 pages by a certain time. Of course, he found this gentleman on Craigslist and Winston points out that he would have punched him for free.

Winston comes to Nick for help with being on the stand as a police detective then realizes that he’s given Nick a way to procrastinate. Winston makes a nice speech here.

“Nick, you procrastinate when something is important to you, because deep down, you don’t think you’re good enough to get it done . . . So, of course when you get the opportunity to write something about your own life, the first thing you do is choke. You know how I know? Well, because for some reason, I’m your oldest friend. So I hope you get punched in the the face today. I really do. And then maybe you’ll finally see that you are good enough to be everything you want to be.”

I’m just gonna leave that nice thought there.

New Girl (Fives Stars for Beezuz): Movies about Writing

When we left the on-going saga of the “New Girl” characters Nick and Jess, Jess had runaway from Nick and Nick was finding new success being a writer. Spoilers ahead. And here we go.

This episode involves Jess about to tell Nick she wants to give their relationship another chance, but at a reading of his book he tells fans that the two main characters based upon him and her will never get together. His audience of teen readers are instantly crushed as he goes into an explanation about how adult relationships are complicated and he can’t force second chances between characters based on real people.

Heartbroken by his explanation, Jess pretends she is not back in L.A. and hides out at the house of Schmidt and Cece. She makes plans to move away and be away from the complicated adult relationship. She also get involves in the Winston and Aly B story about contacting Winton’s dad. “You can move with me to Portland!” Jess tells them and Winston responds with a resounding no. “Portland hella white”. All of this goes on through the chaos of discovering that Cece is pregnant and everyone accidentally found out before Cece.

Meanwhile, Schmidt goes with Nick to meets an editor and publisher interested in the Pepperwood Chronicles. The editor is more willing to make the deal if Nick kills off Jess’s character in the next book, a moment that makes Nick run to find the real-life Jess.

The episode does have a happy ending for what no one was sure would be the show finale (they get one more season). But I’m more focused on the interactions between Nick and the publisher that signs him. Their first encounter is very unprofessional and Nick downright rude.

Then when they have the meeting in the man’s office, Nick tells him in no uncertain terms that all of the publisher’s ideas are bad and asks if he’s ever done this before?
Yet, in the final season they are in business together. Pepperwood as a series became so popular that Nick’s publisher and his husband accompany Nick and Jess on European book tour! How? How would that possibly be a thing? How would any agent, publisher, or editor ever once allow a writer to speak to them like that and in up in business together for three years? I thought this show was supposed to take place in the real world, not cuckoo-bananas writers do whatever they want world.

Image property of Fox

Lucifer (High School Poppycock)

For those unfamiliar with the supernatural crime television show “Lucifer”, it’s loosely based on the Neil Gaiman DC comic character featured in the Sandman. But here, Lucifer (played by the swoon-worthy Tom Ellis) is a consultant to an L.A. detective named Chloe Decker (Lauren German) in a murder of week formula.

In the episode entitled “High School Poppycock”, a famous YA author has been murdered and the manuscript of her final novel of her popular series is missing. As this is a murder mystery I will warn that there are SPOILERS AHEAD!

Lucifer and Decker discover that novels were based on people and experiences the author witnessed in high school set in a dystopian future. This is very clear in that the woman did not even change the names of her former peers in the books. They decide to attend her high school reunion and see who could have been bitter at being used as mass produced drama or who knew that the author was overcoming at block at the time of completing the final book in the series, an ending her publisher stated was going to be full of battles and epic action.

A humorous moment comes in Detective Decker reading the series for insight and being hooked. Her character is former child actress who never had her own high school experience and she is sucked in by the angst of love triangles and petty feuds. She can’t help but allow her love of the characters to effect how she views their real-life counterparts at the reunion. That’s right. Chloe discovers fandom. The episodes does a good job with this concept, stating how the inspiration for the characters feel about their place in the books and how the people who were left out felt. There is even a major plot point involving fan fiction. Oh fan fiction. How I miss thee. Wait, what? Who said that? Not me.

Meanwhile, Lucifer is obsessed with finding out how the deceased author overcame her writer’s block, believing that her technique will help him his issue of helping kill the Biblical Cain (long story). He’s told that the afterword of the manuscript included the tale of the author’s return to productivity and inspiration. Therefore, he has a little more interest in finding the missing series finale than finding the actual killer.

After witnessing the real life drama of the people the book was based upon at the high school reunion, Chloe decides that maybe she didn’t miss much in her adolescence. She and Lucifer also come to the realization that the people included in the novel found therapeutic outlets by seeing themselves through the author’s eyes and the eyes of the fandom. As it turns out, the agent from the publishing company had murdered the author when he discovered that her ending was not the action-packed Michael Bay finale he wanted. Instead, she wrote something heartfelt and character based. Therefore after he killed her, he destroyed the only copy of the manuscript with intentions of replacing it with something a fanfiction author created, then kill that author as well.

Beside the murder - HE DESTROYED THE BOOK! Lucifer is ready to kick his ass angry by the loss of what he thought would help him, but also angry that something this woman worked so hard on was burned up.

In retrospect, the episode discussing the passions of fans and the inspiration behind popular work can be seen as. . .

You know what. Nope. He destroyed the ONLY COPY OF HER BOOK. I’m done.

image belonging to Fox and Netflix

Oscar Wilde: Movies About Writing

When is a good time to deal with the scandalous topic of Oscar Wilde’s personal life? 1960, I guess. Oscar Wilde is a British film starring Robert Morley as the celebrates writer and John Neville as his “special friend” Lord Alfred Doulas.
Oscar Wilde is one of the great loves of my life (starting with my childhood obsession with his short “The Canterville Ghost”) so I went into this movie with no expectations. It only covers the trials between Wilde and Lord Douglas’s father with a rather strange portrayal of the aftermath. But as a film, it’s fast paced and keeps the attention.

Robert Morley and John Neville

First, two details that made me happy in this movie were showing Wilde’s grave and artwork in his home. The art are prints by Aubrey Beardsley, who both illustrated some of Wilde’s work and was friends with him. Beardsley own short life had rumors that were so much worse that Wilde’s scandal, but no one makes movies about him. I’ve been to Wilde’s massive grave but these days it’s covered in lipstick and plastic (to dissuade the kissing). In the film, it’s clean and the epic art-deco angel still has its genitals. Yep, sometime between 1960 and now some awful human decided to break off the penis of the Oscar Wilde grave. Why does he have to be metaphorically castrated?!

I could use this as a platform about the bigotry of the past, but there are other biopics of Wilde I can do that with. As far as authors go, this another of public vs. private image stories. The start makes it seem more like he was manipulated by Lord Alfred as a way to get back at Lord Douglas senior, but their actual relationship is kept vague. How it all effects Mrs. Wilde is touched upon l, but not made a major plot point. But whether Wilde is proven gay or not, the film shows how this public attack on his reputation hurts those close to him. The court case using Dorian Gray against Wilde is a big part of the evidence. Wilde argues that the prosecution mistakes the fiction from the creator which is something fandoms still struggle with.

Mask of Dimitrios: Movies about Writing

Mask of Dimitrios is the original film of a writer living out their stories. I discovered this film on TCM during a Peter Lorre phase (a perfectly normal phase for a young woman in her late teens) and was automatically interested because for once, the poor actor with the bug eyes was not playing a secondary character or the villain. He is the hero of this story and his character is the writer I’ll be focusing on.

The whole thing starts when mystery writer Cornelius Leyden (Lorre) is approached while on vacation in Istanbul by a man who is both a fan and a member of the local police. You find Leyden sitting alone at a party just watching the people and not engaging. I love this. He’s supposed to be a famous author, yet he has enough anonymity to still act the way most authors would act at a party. Then a conversation starts with Colonel Haki (Polish actor Kurt Katch . . . playing a Turkish man . . . Yes. Movie casting be messed) saying how much he’d like to write a book and Lorre looks a little like he want to escape right then and there. But Haki brings up the recent death of the infamous criminal Dimitrios Makropoulos and asks Leyden if he’s like to know more of the sake of his writing.

Peter Lorre and Kurt Katch. Image property of Warner Bros.

Leyden is eager, but discovers his first shattering of reality when Haki shows him Dimitrios’s corpse which had been found exposed to the elements on a beach. “It isn’t quite what I thought it would be,” he says uncomfortably as the death wounds are shown off. Despites his squeamishness at a real death, Leyden declares that Dimitrios would be a fantastic basis for a character and decides to track down more details of the man’s life for a new novel.

You know I love research so even in a film where the fictional writer must go through European records and interview unusual characters using charm he saved up for such occasions makes me happy. Lorre even dons glasses and pulls out all of the please and thank you’s of a man needing favors from other people. I try to imagine Lorre’s Casablanca character squealing, “ Reeeeek! Help me, Rick!” while wearing glasses and it really would have detracted from the scene. The research even takes him to meet his subject’s former girlfriend, a rather worn looking young woman named Irana Preveza (Faye Emerson) who paints a manipulative yet charming hired assassin in Dimitrios. The other characters add other political crimes to the criminal’s dossier. Leyden seems rather naive in finding nothing wrong in all of these spies and thieves telling him dangerous facts.

The character fits with how an author does not always match their subject matter. While Leyden write popular detective stories full of murder and mayhem, the writer is a soft-spoken, somewhat humorous person (although he always seems to be laughing at a in-joke with himself), who wishes there were kinder people in the world. He is also a rather overly logical fellow. Upon walking into a grand house, he go instantly to introduce himself to the cats. When a gun is waved at him, he grumbles that he’s tired and wants to go to bed.

My favorite quote in the whole film is when another character is shot, Lorre says like a bewildered child, “He was my friend. He wasn’t my friend, but he was a nice man.” This sums up the character well.

Enter Sydney Greenstreet as Mr. Peters, the character that will turn a research trip in a full blown mystery. Greenstreet and Lorre made many movies together, usually where they were both villains. In this case, Mr. Peters is a rather jolly smuggler who isn’t convinced that Dimitrios is dead and wants the writer’s help in tracking him down.

Most writers, especially of genres such as fantasy, science fiction, horror, and mystery, are not equipped to do what we put our characters through. If I had to face some of the monsters I put in my novels I would simply pee my pants and let it eat me. That’s a part of this movie. Leyden is presented as a little out of touch with reality and by the end he has to take charge and be brave. Also, when it is all over, he has to still write the novel he set out to do. After all, if you are put in mortal danger for a project it’s a good idea to finish it.

Peter Lorre and Sidney Greenstreet as a strange duo. Property of Warner Bros.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Skyfire Cycle & Return to Skyfire)

NINE - NINE! For this blog, I’m combining two episodes from my favorite show (since they are really one long plot line) “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, for those who have never seen this show, it’s the quirky comedy of a group of Brooklyn detectives.

Within the first of these episodes, Sergeant Terry Jeffords (played by the greatest fictional president of all time, Terry Crews) is excited that their latest case involves his lifelong favorite epic fantasy author, D.C. Parlov (guest star Fred Melamd). Parlov, author of the Game of Throne-esque SkyFire Cycle, has received death threats, but Terry is more excited finally tell the man how much he has meant to him since childhood. Terry tells Jake Peralta (the immature showrunner detective played by Andy Samberg) that as a young man he sent a letter to Parlov and received a kind and inspiring response that he based much of his confidence on.

Parlov is the publishing version of an aging rock star, attracting much debate at the same time as still attracting hot, young women. “He pulls, Jake!” Terry insists. The author is more interested in the publicity the whole situation is creating for his new books than the actual thought of his own life being taken by a disgruntled fan. The death threats sent to the author co-inside with an announcement that a formally thought male dragon character is in-fact female, stirring up bro anger.

SPOILER ALERT:

It turns out the death threats are coming from Parlov’s former assistant whose handwriting matches the inspirational note that shaped Terry’s life. At first Terry is devastated that his connection to Parlov was fake, but Jake convinces him that the source of the words don’t matter, just that Terry is an amazing human being.

The second episode featuring Parlov takes place in the following season and is called “Return to Skyfire” in which Terry, Jake, and Detective Rosa Diaz (Stephanie Beatriz) have to attend a fantasy fan convention and find out who leaked Parlov’s latest novel onto the internet. Jake has joined Terry in his love of the novels having read them in previous episodes, however Rosa is less than stoked when she discovers that her signature look is basically the cover of every steampunk novel.

Despite the betrayal and general jerk behavior of the author in the previous episode, Terry and Parlov stayed in touch over the last year. This has inspired Terry to try writing a fantasy novel himself, which Jake sends to Parlov. He then reads it himself, discovering that Terry’s first literary attempt stinks.

Parlov’s rival, author Landon Lawson played by Rob Huebel, also has his latest work leaked and the two men become more insistent that the Brooklyn PD find the mole involved. However, Parlov also tells a star eyed Terry that his first draft is being sent to his publisher, Jake realizes that the authors are lying and leaked their own novels.

There are 3 themes that come up in these episodes. First - Fandom can be hard. Everyone is surprised when the muscular Terry turns out to be a huge fantasy nerd, but they do quickly embrace this fact. Rose even ends up buying a steampunk novel under Terry’s influence. Even though there is that brief suspension of belief among his co-workers, they accept that Terry likes what he likes.

Second - kill the author. Even though Parlov turns out to be a mega-douche, Terry and Jake still love the books. Sometimes, it’s difficult to separate a writer’s work from their personality or real world opinions (cough cough Rowling cough). Yet Terry is unwilling to give up a series that meant to much to him, instead compartmentalizing the author and the series within his own mind.

Lastly - first time writers. Terry’s first draft of his first novel is described as awful. But Jake points out that Terry can get better. And that’s always a good thing to keep in mind.

Mank: Movies about Writing

David Fincher’s fictionalized tale of Herman Mankiewincz writing the script for Citizen Kane. This is not the first movie I’ve seen about this process (I sat through RKO 281 some time in high school and didn’t like how they depicted Marion Davies) nor am I the best person to tell you whether this movie is hard follow because I watch way too much TCM (that includes their documentary serious about movie moguls). What I can tell you is what it’s like to watch Mank as a writer.

The film focuses a lot on Mank’s (played by Gary Oldman) personality and alcoholism in the Hollywood world purchased by William Randolph Hearst (Charles Dance). By the way, this movie present Hearst’s long-time girlfriend Marion Davies in a way that showed her the way I like to imagine her - a little screwed up, a little suppressed, but overall a kind and fun-loving person. Amanda Seyfried nailed it in my opinion.

Image Property of Netflix

Okay, back to Mank himself. The struggling screenwriter, once a golden boy in Hollywood, has been given the opportunity to write the first draft of a magnum opus by rising start Orson Welles (Tom Burke). The catch is he won’t get credit and has been isolated in a desert cabin with sixty days to finish the epic film. Some people will say the Welles and Mank wrote it together, but I can’t help believing this version more (even though I know it’s not historically accurate). The idea is that because Mank has been blackballed by his own studio for his controversial drunken rants and not siding with the studio’s political views, no one will object to him being fully paid if he has no credit (make it look like he’s not working). On top of all this, Mank has recently been in a car accident, leaving him bedridden with a secretary (Lily Collins) to help him write.

Why, you may ask, has been sent into exile for this writing endeavor? For the deadline, naturally. Have you ever tried to get a writer who isn’t a journalist to meet a deadline? Do it. I dare you. Go up to a friend whose a writer, give them an idea, and say, “Could you give me a short chapter within the next seven days?” I almost always guarantee that it will become eight day at least. Artists - am I right?

Welles takes no chances and has deprived Mank of his family, his friends, proper alcohol (he has booze, but it’s drugged so he falls asleep after 1 bottle), and, thanks to the accident injuries, the ability to go outside easily. The movie delves into how Hollywood worked at that time, really focusing on how media can influence politics and how studios controlled their people. Mank is a sarcastic voice of reason and truth, making jokes to Irving Thalberg while criticizing him in the same breath. Hell. Hollywood still probably works like that (minus Thalberg). All of this honesty and drunken verbal vomit/literal vomit has left Mank without much work, his bosses being more concerned about punishing him than if he is still a good writer.

Welles credits himself for Mank writing one of the best things he’s ever written, not realizing that with the help of his secretary, Herman found ways to get back into his normal albeit destructive process. This is also important watching it as writer. Everyone has their own process and if you take that way, you can’t expect their best work. However, as I said, Mank was extremely self-destructive allowing both alcohol and guilty memories to destroy his brain. I don’t recommend his old school idea of a writing - men at typewriters with too much whiskey and not enough respect for the opinions of their intelligent wives. Which is my final thought. Fincher doesn’t glorify this behavior like some toxic-masculinity ridden Hemingway biography. He shows regret, pain, the effects on people around Mank, and how destructive is still destructive no matter what kind of art it produces.

Image Property of Netflix

Things to Celebrate May the 4th Be With You…That You Shouldn't Do at Work

* it’s technically May the 6th but know you’re still marathoning Mandolorian
1. Don’t stick cinnamon rolls to either side of your head. Let's face it, not everyone can have that luscious wig they threw on Carrie fisher. But if you come in wearing breakfast pastries over your ears not only will your bosses wonder about your sanity, your coworkers will be annoyed that you didn't bring them any. Plus, you'll attract ants.

2. Just because you're wearing a robe-like white dress without a bra, you are not automatically a princess. Stop trying to put medals on the big hairy guy in the next cubicle.

3. Searching through the art installation rock garden for Kyber crystal will not be taken with a grain of salt by office security. I'm pretty sure this is the workplace equivalent of digging through a fountain for pennies. Security won't understand that you need it for your lightsaber.

4. Don't spend your whole lunch period trying to pick a fight about ending of Rogue One.

5. Don't try to use the Force to throw plastic cutlery at your coworkers

6. When you overhear other people saying that they are not afraid of your boss, don’t go up to them and whisper in a croaking tone, “You will be. You. Will. Be.”

7. Don't tell your supervisor that you sense is great darkness in her/him

8. Don't announce to everyone that you are going to use the restroom by loudly humming the Imperial March 

9. When you steal someone else's yogurt from the fridge and they catch you, don't declare that you are a smuggler and it's what you do, sweetheart. If they question you further, don't then additionally declare that you are only there to get paid.

10. Don't fill out reports while muttering under your breath, “I am one with the force. The force is one with me.”

11. Every time the copy machine acts up, don't start pleading with it by using the words, “Droid please!”

12. Don't tell people to get out of your cubicle by singing the Bea Arthur song from the Christmas special.

13. Don't find your coworkers service dog and try to explain to it what a helmet is (or ask it to raise your orphaned children if you are ever killed upon Endor).

14. Don't reply to every piece of office gossip with, “Nooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!”

15.  And finally when your boss tells you that you have been fired for your strange shenanigans, don't tell them that if they strike you down it will only make you more powerful.