If Sleeping Beauty was Social Isolating

If Sleeping Beauty was Social Isolating

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, a princess was under a terrible sleeping curse, granted at her birth by an angry fairy. The princess knew nothing of this, only that her parents, the king and queen, were extremely over protective of her. She could not sneeze from a bit of dust without the court physician being called for.

Then, a bought of plague reached their kingdom due to lax trade laws and lack of general hygiene. To keep the beloved princess from catching the disease, she stayed in the castle and everyone agreed to stay at least six feet away from her.

On her sixteenth birthday, knowing she couldn’t have a party, all of the princess’s friend and subjects sent her gifts. She opened each present from a safe distance from even her own parents, who oohed and awwed at each new gown and shawl.

One of the largest gifts in the pile had shiny green and purple wrapping. Everyone thought it was from someone else and were debating such as she opened it. No one noticed as she pulled back the wrapping to see something new to her - a spinning wheel - the exact object which would seal her sleeping curse. By the time the court looked upon it, they were too late to run the six feet across the room and smack the spindle out of the young girl’s hand.

The princess pricked her finger and fell into a hundred year sleep. A good fairy, figuring that this was an option for quarantining the plague any way, put the entire kingdom to sleep.

A century passed behind a wall of thrones before a prince stumbled upon the kingdom. The brambles parted fro him and his heart led the way directly to the sleeping princess. Never in his life had he seen anyone more beautiful. He leaned down over her perfect face and still eyes. His lips pressed into hers. Then, he felt a hand wack him on the back of the head.

He stumbled backwards, his stunned expression attempting to size up the now completely awake princess.

“What is wrong with you?” she yelled. “Don’t you know there’s a plague? I’m social distance, you dick! Why do you just kiss people? Don’t you have any manners?”

Luckily, it had turned out that in the last one hundred years, a cure for that particular strain of plague had been discovered. With the kingdom restored and the people once again relatively healthy, the princess spent time teaching the prince about boundaries. The end.

In Defense of Sleeping Beauty

Brief History: The oldest version of this tale is a really disturbing Italian story called The Sun, the Moon, and Talia. Forget the gore of Grimm. Forget the petty villains of Perault. This is the worst of them. Readers beware. The Sun, the Moon, and Talia is about a young woman cursed by a piece of flax from a spindle which puts her into a death sleep. Sounds familiar so far, right. Then, a king shows up and is enchanted by her beauty. Still sounds like Sleeping Beauty, right. The king then, in the throws of lust and an obvious need to be thrown in jail, rapes her and leaves! Talia gives birth to twins which manage to suck the flax seed from her finger, thus waking her up. Then the necrophiliac returns, finds his victim awake with two kids, and decides he wants them to be his secret family. Problem is that he’s already married. His wife tries to murder Talia and the kids, only to be killed herself by the king (my question is, why not just kill the king? He’s the worst part of this!). Eventually, the French got ahold of this story and Talia is changed to some variant of Rose, the king is changed to a prince, and the king’s wife into an Ogre mother-in-law who tries to eat Sleeping Beauty and their two kids. The Germans then shortened it further, ending the story with the kiss and everyone waking from a century long nap to wonder why the prince would kiss a sleeping stranger who was probably covered in dust.

Analysis: I am going to focus on the later, less upsetting versions in order to make my defense. Sleeping Beauty usually tells of a girl who has been sheltered with little control in her own life. Her parents never seem to trust her enough to just tell her that she’s cursed. Her pricking her finger is a direct result of their lack of faith that she could handle the information in the first place. Remember, parents. Talk to your kids about sleeping curses before it’s too late.

Blame it on the Victorians: Honestly, I’m just going to leave this one alone. Victorians want to switch out the full-on awful of the earliest versions for a non-consensual kiss, that’s fine. It's not great, but it's fine.

Last thoughts: I need a Disney movie.

*If you want know any of the places where some of my research comes from, just contact me.