What the hell did I find?
First off: Warning - a dog dies in this film.
First, let’s discuss the opening. A man is stabbing out a woman heart in a generic “old timey” bedroom when Edgar Allan Poe runs in just as the man lifts up the still beating organ and declares he’s killed Virginia to get revenge for the House of Usher.
Cut to Ann Hedgerow (Katherine Heigel), a grieving sculptress who recently lost her mother, and Ethan Poe (Jeremy London), a tortured author haunted by their shared ancestors. Ann is the great-great-great granddaughter of the woman murdered at the beginning of the film, another Poe cousin named Emily Hedgerow (not real person to my knowledge). The pair of stars have no chemistry on screen and yet start going out.
Ann comes from a messed up family. Her brother assaulted her and still lusts for her. Her two best friends are John, a struggling deputy investigating a serial killer, and Lisa, a real estate agent (enough said there). Oh and Ann sleeps in the bed where the woman at the beginning was murdered . . . which is apparently an open family secret. I did appreciate that about half of Ann’s clothes hung in my high school closet.
Ethan is obsessive and trying to use Ann as a cure for writer’s block, something the ghost of Poe tries to shame him for. He plays up his “torture” to a point that’s annoying. He engages in drugs, alcohol, and call girls to pass the time. He’s tired of living off the Poe name and dramatically bursts into pretentious rants at the drop of a pen. And for some reason, Ann considers having kids with this dude.
Spoilers ahead!
Ethan is a bit of a creeper in my opinion with cringe-worthy comments. My personal cringe was when Ann says she’s twenty-four and still feels like a child. He responds with, “But not a virgin.” What! What the hell, dude! You just met her! His only really human moment when he didn’t bug the crap out of me is a scene where he yells at at Ann for interrupting him when he’s writing. Then he apologizes and it’s sincere. Of course, his very next moment has him fighting with Poe’s ghost over the ideal of Lenore.
Then it turns out - the creepy guy is a creep! Ethan’s name isn’t Poe, but Usher! His mom, a literary agent, set him up with the fake identity in order to find the last members of the Poe family. He kills or maims most of the key characters, digs up Ann’s mom, and then ties Ann to a bed in order to re-enact the murder from the beginning of the movie. Then John and Lisa come to the rescue and Ann shoots Ethan while shouting, “Nevermore.” Not. Even. Joking. She effing said, “Nevermore” like it was supposed to be a Die Hard-esque Yippe ki ay!
The ending of the movie made no sense at all. Ethan’s mom was still making money off of his books. Ann has dreams about Ethan being buried alive. And the final scene was of her pregnant smiling at a shadowy figure. I have decide this movie is not worth further analysis other than to look at how they depicted Poe.
Poe’s ghost always slurs a bit and his eyes glisten like he’s constantly on the verge of tears. He spends most the film taunting Ethan He’s just a sad and desperate spirit, not much of real person. He gets some moments of anger and redemption, but he mostly just there to be Ethan’s imaginary antagonist.
I will give this screenwriter credit for one thing -they made Ethan writing sound very borrowed from Poe, taking whole phrases and working them into his so-called masterpiece.
