The Equinox is only two days away. Therefore, I’ve made a list of ways you can celebrate and upset your homeowner’s association at the same time!

1. Some people light a candle. That’s small potatoes. I say light dozens of torches, placed strategically on your yard in the shape of the owl from The Sword and Sword (just don’t let Disney catch ya).

2. Balance an egg to stand on the small end! Does this work? You’ll have to try it to find out.

3. Throw handfuls of fall leaves at people, yell “you are healed!”. Then skip away.

4. Peanut butter. I have given you a concept. Run with it.

5. Buy candy corn. I don’t care what your stance is on it? Love it. Hate it. Just support it. Support it as a glorious tradition passed down through the ages.

6. Find a doll, preferably an older doll with the blank stare of death. Set her in the window of your enemy (or just someone whose been pissing you off). Then move her to a different window. Continue this at various time between now and Halloween.

7. APPLES!!!! ALL THE APPLES!!!! Pick em! Bake em! Roast them on a fire! Dip them in tasty goo!

8. Collect recipes requiring squash. Buy the squash. Intend to cook it. Watch it go bad like a fun science experiment.

9. Find a farm and have a harvest festival for one until a stereotypical farmer appears shaking a pitchfork at you.

10. Time how long the sun is up versus how long it’s down. See if all this autumn equinox hype is true.