In the next episode in the saga of Nick Miller, writer, we find Nick in the attempts of self-printing. I am going to keep this one very short because otherwise my rants about the sheer ridiculousness of it will go on until doomsday.

Nick receives a publisher rejection and falls into despair. Reagan suggests self-publishing and printing the book himself after she finds a bookstore to sell them. Not in a normal, send to a professional printer and order a set number of copies way. Nope. That’s just too easy for a sitcom. Jess and Nick decide to MAKE THE BOOKS THEMSELVES! This involves a lot of glue that they get high off of the fumes from and then silliness is abound and sitcom shenanigans continue in their scripted sitcom ways.

I’m not focused on the shenanigans. I’m focused on the reality of this entire freakin’ scenario! Let us begin with the idea of a local bookstore agreeing to sell a book through a phone conversation and then requesting thirty copies! No bookstore would request THIRTY COPIES of a first-time author’s work unless it was part of a publishing/agency deal and no publisher or agent would take that risk with a first time author. No consignment allows for thirty copies. Especially from a small, local operation. They can’t afford to lose that much shelf space. As the owner of the bookstore saying in the episode, “Please, buy things. We’re dying.”

Let me explain the reality of the consignment process for those writers who have not delved into this yet. It usually starts with a contract that includes a long list of rules and conditions. These conditions generally includes a length of time they are willing to carry the title, information about what they will do with your unsold copies (do they get sent back to you, do they clearance them out, is there an expense for you to come get them, etc.), and how much they make off of the sale’s price of each copy sold. This document will then ask you to give all of the book’s information like the title, summary, author’s name, publication date, and ISBN. I don’t want to be condescending, but my point about the ISBN is going to come up again later, so I’m aware that most writers know what that is yet I’m going to explain it. Also that was a really long sentence that I’m not planning on fixing. The ISBN is like the social security number of a book. Only your title has that specific number and it is number you purchase or your publisher purchases for you as a part of your book. No book is legitimately published without out and technically does not exist in the sales world if it doesn’t have one.

This imaginary consignment of Nick’s book is also including a reading of the book the same night as the deal was made. What bookstore is going to ask for a reading from a new author that they have never met AND request that reading be the same day as the consignment? In the words of the tenth Doctor Who, “WHAT?!” You need time to advertise that crap! To build an interest and get people to come to the reading. Plus, most small bookstores don’t ask a new author to do a local reading until they’ve seen the book. Maybe we’re suppose to assume there was a cancellation becuase realistically no one should be coming to Nick’s unplanned, unadvertised, unknown book reading.

Now for the actual assembly of the book, a process as I stated previously Jess and Nick do themselves using printer paper and glue. HO-LY SHIT IS THIS UNREALISTIC!!!! The first time I saw this episode, I needed a drink. Upon re-watching, I need a sedative.

First, they literally just printed thirty paper copies of what looks like a 800 page book! That would cost more than just sending it to the printers. Plus, did the check their margins? Widows and orphans! DID THEY TURN OFF THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS! I NEED TO KNOW THIS FOR MY OWN SANITY (see Sidney Reetz’s formatting guide if you are uncertain of what I speak). How are the pages staying together? They didn’t do them in folded chunks like a real book. It just looks like a stack of paper. Did they glue every sheet of paper together at the edge? Or did they just straighten the stack and glue the whole thing to the (what looks like) card stock cover?

Oh and let us discuss that cover. They have a drawing of a lobster in either crayon or colored pencil (it’s actually a good drawing, but it makes the book look more little kiddy or like one of those business books that are trying to trick people with common sense disguised as jargon). Then they have pasted on the title, the spine, and Nick’s name. The back cover is blank. No blurb (how will anyone know what the book is about?), publisher, and NO ISBN! How will the book be sold without an ISBN? No bookstore would take this! Nick would barely be able to sell that book out of the back of a creepy van without an ISBN! I mean, he could try, but most readers aren’t into creepy van purchases.

I said I’d keep this short so I’ll stop ranting now. Nick sells his first book to a 12 year old (then remembers that he wrote a graphic sex scene), Jess looks at pop-up books while high, happy ending, blah blah blah. Plot line to be continued.