New Years Resolutions - who really keeps them? For example, here’s a resolution poem:

When I come to be old. 1699. Jonathan Swift

Not to marry a young Woman.
Not to keep young Company unless they reely desire it.
Not to be peevish or morose, or suspicious.
Not to scorn present Ways, or Wits, or Fashions, or Men, or War, &c.
Not to be fond of Children, or let them come near me hardly.
Not to tell the same story over and over to the same People.
Not to be covetous.
Not to neglect decency, or cleenlyness, for fear of falling into Nastyness.
Not to be over severe with young People, but give Allowances for their youthfull follyes and weaknesses.
Not to be influenced by, or give ear to knavish tatling servants, or others.
Not to be too free of advise, nor trouble any but those that desire it.
To desire some good Friends to inform me wch of these Resolutions I break, or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
Not to talk much, nor of my self.
Not to boast of my former beauty, or strength, or favor with Ladyes, &c.
Not to hearken to Flatteryes, nor conceive I can be beloved by a young woman, et eos qui hereditatem captant, odisse ac vitare.
Not to be positive or opiniative.
Not to sett up for observing all these Rules; for fear I should observe none.

I’m pretty sure that Swift didn’t keep any of that crap except not having kids. I prefer to think of resolutions as the great authors of the 19th Century looked upon them:

Oscar Wilde said, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”

or Mark Twain who stated, “New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

But not Henry Ward Beecher who had this to say, “Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.” He should have worked on not having so many mistresses and learned to gird himself in other ways.

My point is that if you’re going to take part in an archaic tradition that doesn’t really mean much besides dieting for two weeks then giving up, I say we return to the ancient ways of New Year’s Resolutions. When midnight comes on December 31 and moves us into January 1, step outside. Tilt your head to the sky. Take a deep breath. And shout your promises to ancient Babylonian gods who will smite you if you break them. You want to keep those resolutions - just keep telling yourself that if you break them the deity Marduk will have you slowly devoured by his pet dragon.