My month is coming to a close. For those of you who have survived my month, but are not entirely sure who you should be thanking, let me clue you in. I am Juno (or Hera to the Greeks), as in queen of the gods, the protector of marriage and childbirth. Now that we have the fifth grade mythology lesson out of the way, allow me to inform you of ways you can pay homage to me if you survived MY month. That’s right! January belongs to me, not that two-faced Janus. Just remember, if you do not do as I ask, there is still time for me to make what’s left of this month awful for you.

If did make it to February unscathed, here are some things you can do to thank me:

1) Trap Jupiter a.k.a. Zeus in a horrible prison for several centuries

2) Post humiliating pictures of Jupiter on your ever useful in-ter-net.

3) Troll Jupiter’s latest floozy. The internet has so many uses!

4) Bully Jupiter’s latest demi-god offspring. I can give you exact addresses as needed, but trust me it won’t be hard. Most of them are on twitter ALL THE TIME.

5) Give to me— Hey!

Hey there folks – Janus here. Pay no attention to the crazy Roman lady. I’m taking back this month, even if you don’t know who I am. I am not going to demand tribute or insist upon punishment. Here is all I am going to say: Remember that I am the god of beginnings, transitions, and endings. If the start of 2017 was amazing for you, then use that. Make February just as good. If January was less-than-grand, then guess what! You get to start over. If you don’t believe me, just wait and see.

Now, excuse me while I witch-slap a Roman deity.