Dear Azra,

I’ve been invited to a dinner party! A for real and for true fine china and elegant dress dinner party! There’s only one problem. I have no idea how to act. I’ve never been to a fancy dinner party before. Can you give me some tips on how to make sure I don’t embarrass myself or my hosts?

Thanks!

Etiquette Noob

Dear Noob,

Fancy dinner party, hm? Well you came to the right place. I’ve been to plenty of dinner parties throughout the history of human civilization. All have been similar in that they start out a bit stuffy, but end up in a raucous orgy. The transition from one to the next is a breathtaking sight and it’s entirely dependent upon the guests. As you requested, here are some things that you can do to make sure the whole event is a rousing success.

·         Your outfit for the evening should be both practical and flashy. You want to be the best dressed and the most memorable person there. Best to go in costume. I find the best costumes for a dinner party are ones of historical figures who famously threw the best dinner parties. I am talking Cesar, Henry VIII, the Algonquin circle, Louis XIV and Marie Antoinette.

·         Be fashionably late. It’s always smart to make an entrance- the flashier and more attention grabbing the better. This also gives the added bonus of missing some, if not most of the boring part of the evening.

·          Make sure that the hosts and the rest of the guests know what a refined palate you have. Criticize the food. Express how you’ve had better with (insert famous person’s name here). Remember. You want to stand out and make an impression. This will also assure everyone that this is not your first dinner party.

·         The orgies usually happen right before dessert comes out. Be the real party starter by stripping. After all, someone has to get naked first. You should be it.

I hope your dinner party is a blast!

Diners Club Elite,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.