Congratulations on doing your part to contribute to the perpetuation of the human race! What you are about to do is no small feat. It required incredible sacrifices in time, social skills, mental and physical health, money, and any other aspirations you had for your time here on earth. Your offspring and their well-being is now your entire life. It’s existence is completely dependent on you.

Don’t fuck up.

Luckily, you have me to help guide you on this path of procreation.

First thing is first; you’ve gotta arm yourself for the coming of the squalling, pooping, vomiting, drool machine that you are growing inside of you. Sure, you’ve probably already filled out your baby registry for all of the things that the mini human needs, but what about you? Parenthood is a decades long battle and it’s important to have the right weapons. Here is a short list of essential tools to help get you through some of the worst years parenting has to offer you:

1.      Invest in a high quality pair of noise canceling headphones. Your newly hatched banshee is going to scream. A lot. You’re going to need your hearing when your child evolves into the sneaky teenager, so protect it now. Don’t skimp on these.

2.      Get disinfectant by the metric ton. Children are rife with germs and diseases, cooties, being the prime example. For those of you that aren’t aware, Cooties are a mysterious childhood illness that impacts their social standing. Other children can detect the presence of Cooties, but for some reason, adults cannot. Don’t take the risk of your child being infected. Every time they move, it is smart to wipe them down with the disinfectant of your choice.

3.      Obtain a shock collar. This should be an adjustable one since, as your offspring grows, it will be comfortable and non-restricting. The shock collar is the perfect tool to shut your kid up when they are throwing a tantrum or when they are saying things they shouldn’t in mixed company. It’s even effective on those smarmy teenagers! If they work for dogs, they should work for kids. Don’t forget to test out the strength of the shock. Some children have higher tolerances than others. If you find one with a control button, that is even better.

4.      Treat yourself to a biohazard containment suit. This will keep all the ick that your offspring spews off of you as well as completely mortify them if you wear it with them in public. Dual functionality!

5.      Consider getting a top of the line video surveillance system. While it can be used for home protection, it is far more useful for the gathering of blackmail evidence of your kid (more on this later). Be sure to get the night vision option and put in a discreet hiding place.

While this is in no way a comprehensive weapons list, it will get you started and thinking like a parent should; as if you are preparing for war.

All the best in battle planning!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*